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I saw my G.P. yesterday,he told me to phone the hospital,I did,and àI predicted,no appointments,went back today,don't think he was very pleased to see me,but he phoned the hospital,no appointments till February,so,he arranged for me to talk to the Duty Proffesional,he was away from his desk when I called,but the receptionist took my details,he called back,can't see a psychiatrist till January 6th,he suggested a place I could go to see people,not for treatment,just to hang out,I want treatment that will make me feel better,although,at my age,what's the point.In chess it's considered bad form to stretch a game out to the bitter end,when it becomes hopeless you're supposed to knock your king over and resign,do you think we should go on living as long as we can keep breathing,or,if you're still a failure when you reach a certain age,if so what age do you think the cut off should be?should you go to the top of the multi story car park and jump?Even if I were cured tommorow I feel I'm too old now,I don't think people my age get breaks,I',all be a failure till the day zI die,why should I go on living?What really hurts is I came so close to being a success,I was claiming Unemployment instead of disability,after I got out of the Looney bin I was supposed to go back for outpatient treatment on wendsdays,but,because my name Beguins with "M" I had to sign on on wendsdasys,then,as punishment for Bering "unreasonable", I was mentsly I'll and on no meds,no bloody wonder I was unreasonable,they stopped my benefits,I went to my G.P.,got put on meds,got better,was offered a place at The Sir Henry Doulton School zOf Sculpture,but they went bankrupt in the recession,the bankers who caused the recession with their Credit Default Swaps and Colateralised Debt Obligations got a bail out,but no bail out for legitimate businesses,I've Googled people who completed the course,they've all got 2onderful carers now,they'r3 living the life I should be living,but,my career's over,I'll never have a day's happiness as long as I live because I,',m afsiliure and there,'s no hope for someone my age,I don't,'t see the point in being as live at 55,who ever heard of a guy in his fifties becomeing successful?I hate life,I want to die,but I'm too much of a coward to go to the top of the local shopping centre and jump,so,I've got to go one living even though life is utterly pointless.
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