Housing and independent living
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Help in getting outside care support

minxymazzaminxymazza Member Posts: 5 Listener
I am a married woman aged 64 husband is 65 with three grown up offspring one living with us with her daughter the other living on his own but he has a daughter whom he sees twice a week at the weekend for three hours and also another son who lives in Wales with his fiancée and two dogs.

Two of our children have learning disabilities the girl manages a job but lives with us with her young daughter of six years she is not feeling she could cope living on her own but two women in the house causes friction on top of that we have our youngest who doesn't live with us he has a goat on his own quite near to us he is 36 years and up until last year had regular help from Family mosaic then Sail (sorry year before) that was mostly phone contact.

Now he is told they have a place on a Monday between 9.30 and 12.30 where he can discuss any matters. We have to sort out his financial affairs, make sure he attends appointments and keeps his flat clean and tidy and himself clean and tidy too things like washing and washing up he struggles with but it all comes down to us which puts a strain on our relationship and health.

I am his Carer but not paid for just in name only. This is not a healthy situation for him or us but I don't know how to go about getting help for him outside our care. He was assessed by HCC two years ago but because everything has changed with the Government don't know how to move forward.

There is also a need for him to see his daughter more but that involves court hearing his side at the moment it is just the mothers side and Cafcass he nor we can afford legal fees. If you can help or suggest anyone that can help i and my husband would be so grateful. Thankyou for Listening.


  • wildlifewildlife Member Posts: 1,314 Pioneering
    [email protected], Welcome to the community. I really feel for you as you have such a lot to deal with at a time of your life when you should be able to relax and leave the children to get on with their own lives. I have a son with LD who lives 10 mins from us and my husband is his carer. He is 32 and doesn't have any other help neither would he accept it. He doesn't clean properly or wash as often as he should but there comes a time in your life when you have to think of yourself especially your health and try to take a step back. You are a long way from being able to do that, I know but the time has come to work towards it.                     It sounds from what you say as if your daughter and granddaughter would be better moving to a place of their own and could possibly manage but would need support. Maybe you could do some investigation as to the options available. Either supported housing or ordinary with outside support but you can only go with what's available. Have you been able to talk to your daughter about living independantly or do you just think she wouldn't be able to manage? You may be surprised.
                Regarding your son, what was the outcome of his assessment and was this with the council? As with our son he may have been told he is not disabled enough for any help from them but there are many charities who offer support. I know from experience the older they get the less likely they are to accept outside help but at the same time they need to know that you will not always be able to help them as much as you do, or at all eventually, maybe that's another chat you should have with them if you haven't already. Well done for posting as it's the start of you asking for help instead of struggling on alone. Others will be along with ideas for an easier future. Keep posting... 
  • minxymazzaminxymazza Member Posts: 5 Listener
    Thankyou Wildlife for your helpful words I am going to action some of your suggestions starting with HCC or maybe him paying for care we can talk to him he would welcome the help he is able to talk to other people I feel for you too it's a hard situation if the government had not intervened with all their rules it would be fine we don't expect it for nothing but just need help x
  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,729 Disability Gamechanger
    @DebbieVoakes do you have any advice?
    Senior online community officer
  • wildlifewildlife Member Posts: 1,314 Pioneering
    Hi @minxymazza, Glad to be of help. It's half the battle if they will accept help. I would imagine your daughter sees how much this is affecting you and wants to stay within the family unit so helping your son become more independent may help her as well. My son is adopted and we never really got on as he dislikes women after his Mother physically abused him as a baby. We've had him since he was 18 months old. As regards how he lives, I haven't been in his flat for a long time. My other son warns people to wipe their feet on the way out not on the way in. I do feel guilty but then reassure myself that I did all I could for him growing up and up to about 10 years ago but he started to reject the help from me. His Dad goes over every morning and does all the practical things, paying bills and takes him shopping but he's 69 now and although fit and healthy he can't do it for ever. If your son accepts help that is a big bonus. Let us know how you get on.....    
  • minxymazzaminxymazza Member Posts: 5 Listener
    These are for you xx thankyou it is just good to know we are not the only ones this is happening to and will pray for your son to realise one day how much you could help him it's sad that you have to bare the brunt of his first mothers behaviours although I will pray for her to this I'm told helps with learning to forgive as we were hope that's not too deep I don't go to church but I believe which helps ....
  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,729 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @minxymazza how are you doing?
    Senior online community officer
  • Debbie_ScopeDebbie_Scope Member Posts: 947 Pioneering
    Hello @minxymazza,

    @wildlife has done a great job here and it's nice to see you both talking this through. 

    There isn't really much that I can add @wildlife hasn't already covered but there are a few options you can look at on behalf of your son in finding some legal advice to help with the family proceedings. 
    Lawworks is a charity connecting volunteer lawyers with people needing legal advice but who are not eligible for legal aid or cannot afford legal advice. You can search on their website for his nearest law clinic.
    There are also a number of websites aimed at advising Dads on their rights. A quick internet search will bring them up.

    If you need any further advice just let me know.

    Best wishes
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