Domestic Violence

Catman

Hi.. I'm Phil, Chronic Sufferer of Fibromyalgia and a male victim of DV. Survive helped me out initially and my case went to MARAC after my partner attacked me yet again on 22nd March. My nose was bitten, thumb fractured and she was arrested then bailed to her Mother's address. I love my partner to bits so refused to press charges or grant access to my medical notes relating to my injuries.

My partner is mentally ill and an Alcoholic, coupled with my love for her and my Christian Faith I forgave her and allowed her back home after the bail restrictions were lifted. Her kids were now gone however, taken into care due to her Alcoholism, Violence towards me and me being deemed too ill due the Fibromyalgia. 

To cut a very long story short, I'm still at risk and in need of confidential support. Please would you be so kind as to advise. 

Photo was taken March 22 this year, just before the Police facilitated my trip to A&E. 

RebeccaMHadvisor

Hi Phil

I can hear that you have been through a lot recently. Over the years I have met a lot of DV survivors who have allowed their partners to return for many different reasons. 

It seems that both you and your partner need help and support in order for you to both move forward.

The first place I would recommend for you to start is the National Domestic Violence Helpline. This is a 24 hour help line and they will be able to give you the specialist advice and support. You can contact them on 0808 2000 247. 

It is important that if you feel you are in immediate danger that you dial 999.

I hope that both you and your partner are able to get the support that you need.

Rebecca

Sam_Alumni

Hi @Catman I am sorry to hear about your situation, it sounds really difficult.  I think Rebecca has given some great advice here, I second her thoughts that if you are in immediate danger that you need to call 999.  Best wishes to you 

Catman

Thank you, both of you. My partner was the victim of DV and DA before we met, so I wonder how much of that is to blame for the way she treats me when she drinks. We saw a Counsellor last week and I had to agree to leave my home and go to a friend's if she buys a second bottle, it's the second bottle that often leads to her violence but I've been resistent to do so for some reason. 

My Fibromyalgia pain has been truly awful of late, as too is the fatigue. We've a lot going on, including having to sell my home due to mortgage arrears and being too small for the kids who are now in care.. I'm really struggling to cope and to think straight right now. Legally I'm deemed as a vulnerable person which I struggle with too, as I've never, until now, regarded myself as such. My head is mashed with all of this.

jose2

Hello @Catman,I saw your photograph on site yesterday,the damage done to your nose/face is truly terrible.
I happened to have an appointment with a facial/maxilla /dentist to day and I was looking at a poster about damage done to a man's face by a partner  c/o domestic violence,and in the toilet was telephone numbers to contact helplines for women(which @RebeccaMHadvisor  gave you ) but I found a man's helpline No which is 0808 801 0327,sometimes men's DV goes under-reported .
I do agree also that as @RebeccaMHadvisor that if you feel in  immediate danger 999 would be the first call to make.
Hope this helps    
@jose2

jose2

Found this too @Catman  www.mensadviceline.org.uk,it's a PDF booklet.

Catman

Thanks Jose.. She kicked off Royally again last night. Whilst she's getting help, I'm doing my best to stand by her. 

Sam_Alumni

Im so sorry you are going through this @Catman and whilst I understand your love and religious reasons, you do deserve to be safe and unharmed.  Please do think about getting in touch with some domestic violence support.

Catman

Thanks Sam.. I have two real good friends from Church and even my partner's own Mother who are being supportive. Last night she only had the one bottle, so I wasn't subjected to any violence. I do however need face to face specialist Counselling to help deal with the abuse. She is getting help and that keeps me going.

Sam_Alumni

I really hope you can both get the help and support you need.

Catman

Thanks Sam. 

Catman

Having to spend the night at a friend's house. My partner was beginning to Rage again and I was at high risk of being assaulted. I truly hate living like this and have no idea why I put up with it. Sometimes I wish I could stand up to her, I was a strong man once but am now a coward who is actually fearful of his partner when she drinks. 

No idea why I'm blabbing this out. 

RebeccaMHadvisor

@Catman

Talking about what is happening to you is a way of dealing with it so 'blabbing' it out is a good thing.

One of the main things that happens as a result of domestic abuse is that your confidence goes. Many people will question over time about why they have put up with the abuse and the abuser. You are right to be fearful when she drinks, you are aware of what she is capable of.

By opening up to this group you are taking those steps to change the situation that you are in whether that be getting the help and support you both need or making the decision to leave the situation you are in.

I hope that the details of organisations like Mankind, Men's Advice Line and Refuge are able to give you the support you need to make the right decisions for you.

Rebecca

Alisonm

Hi Phil, please don't see yourself as a weak person, you have had the confidence to come onto here to seek help and advice, so your not weak!  In fact, i think you are very courageous, not many men seek help, they are the weak ones, not you.  I hope you get a councillor soon who can let you talk face to face and who will not make any judgements about you, it can take such a heavy weight away when we can tell of abuse knowing that they are not going to tell you to do this or do that, but you may also benefit from talking to someone who can give you the best coping strategies, sounds like the advice you have had so far is working, but as you say, you don't want to be staying at your friends home, you want to be in your own and quite rightly.
It sounds like you have been in this relationship for quite a while, was your partner like this when you first met? If you don't mind me asking that is.
Alisonm

Catman

Thanks ladies. Things came to a head today and she was arrested again, for ABH against me. She's been on a community detox taking Librium and two other meds to abate her Alcoholism, sadly she turned to drink yesterday and attacked me. I stayed the night with a male friend from Church last night only to be assaulted again on my return. She was out of control so I regretably had no option. It breaks my heart as not only have I lost her, it means she'll not get her kids back now. They were taken away because of her abuse and we've been working hard to get them back. Quite frankly I'm in a bloody mess right now and am smoking a joint to quell not only my Fibro-pain, but my heart-ache too. Listening to Passenger ( Indie-Folk Singer) and trying to make sense of it all :-( 

Alisonm

its so hard to make sense of something that you know you cannot control, you never know what she is going to be like towards you, and when it does happen its a case of try to control the situation out quick or get out of there quick.  You have done all you can to help her to keep her children, but at the end of the day, its her children. You sound a great bloke Phil, and just as she is obviously very vulnerable, so also are you, and i think she feeds on your vulnerability because she can, and she has, she probably thinks that you will never leave her, and that you will just except this behaviour everytime that it happens.  Would it be so very hard to leave her and start a new life for yourself?, you have done your best here, its not working, it is lowering you down to your lowest ebb.  Maybe it is time to just walk away, it won't be easy, but you do not deserve the treatment she is metering out to you on a daily basis. I am hoping that this message may make you think of the future you could have, to the one that is happening right now to you.  It takes a lot of strength and i feel that deep down you have that strength Phil.  Let us know how you get on.
Alisonm

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Catman

Thank you, both of you for your kind advice. I've contacted Network Link who've replaced Survive, as advised by the Police, they still have my previous notes. I was 'triaged' so to speak and am awaiting another call from them. They offer a lot of help, including housing and financial which is a major issue now as I've sold my property. I have till around the end of this month to find somewhere for myself and my two cats. It's a MUST for my mental health to keep my moggies. My credit is messed up but after the sale of my home I'll have sufficient funds to rent. I'm tempted to move away and start again but I have a good support network here in Bristol. My head is totally mashed right now as it's only been two days since her arrest.

I can't work due to the severity of my Fibromyalgia, am about to lose my home and really am in a right mess. 

Sam_Alumni

What a difficult time for you @Catman - but your safety and welfare are so important! Do you claim any benefits at all? We have a benefits calculator here to see what you could be entitled to, have you claimed for PIP? There is a self test here to see if you could receive it.

Catman

Thanks Sam. I get higher rate of PIP for living and am in the Support group for. ESA. Now my partner is gone and she won't be able to get carer's allowance I'll be entitled to SDP, I went through this when before when she was bailed to her Mum's address.