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Lost my dad and husband to cancer - need help

bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
edited December 2017 in Coffee lounge
My names Bev and I'm suicidal after losing my dad to cancer in June and my husband to cancer in july, I need help but can't pay for it any suggestions please


  • AlexAlex Scope Posts: 1,324 Pioneering
    edited November 2017
    Hi @bevvyp,

    I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. 

    If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at [email protected]

    You might also benefit from reading MIND’s information on how you can help yourself.

    If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.

    What sort of help do you need?

  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    I need a reason to to live but can't find one
  • Pippa_AlumniPippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,851 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through, @bevvyp. I really do urge you to talk to a professional about your feelings, and the Samaritans (mentioned above) are wonderful listeners.

    If you need any practical advice, we're also here to help. You're not alone and the Online Community will do what it can to support you.
  • steve51steve51 Member Posts: 7,175 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @bevvyp

    Good evening & a very big welcome!!!


    I’m very sorry to hear about your dad/husband.

    Please please let me know if I can help you in anyway???
  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    Thankyou, I was with my hubbie 24 yrs and never did things alone but we were very private and don't drink so have no social circle and as a female I can't just stand at a bar, my children have all left home and have their families and are also greiving grandfather and dad, I'm so lonely, I feel I'm on the outside looking in on the world and finding it very hard to motivate myself, my nephew hung himself a yr and a day before my husband died  so my family were already on their knees when we found hubbie had terminal cancer, but we fought but was no good but my dad only had 5 weeks notice in may and died in June,my hubbie was so ill but insisted on going to his funeral and then he went down hill and passed 27 days after my dad's funeral so broken but holding on for my grandaughters and son's but it's so hard _ I need my own purpose and don't know how, I'm now 50 _ too young too give up but so long alone !
  • steve51steve51 Member Posts: 7,175 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @bevvyp

    That’s no problem !!!!!!!

    We all can be your new family if that helps????

    This site has become my new focus in life so jump in!!

    We are all here to help & support in anyway so don’t feel alone anymore!!!!

    Please please let me know if there’s anything that I can help you with???????

  • Pippa_AlumniPippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,851 Disability Gamechanger
    edited December 2017
    Hi again @bevvyp, I really hope today has been as kind as possible to you. This time of year can feel particularly lonely to so many people, and as Steve says, we're all here and rooting for you. 

    I wondered if you'd considered attending any local groups, or even support groups? If so, you could search for things local to you and see if you like the look of any? It might be really useful for you to have a place to talk face to face with others who've experienced similar things too. Let me know what you think!
  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    Thankyou I would love to meet new people but I'm ru b ish at I tenet and can't use my PayPal account until my son comes for christmas and I can pay the joining fees, thankyou for saying you can be my new family, this evening g I have been to a christmas momorial with family and I  now going to bed tonight feeling sort of ok x thankyou all for answering my call for help, I find it difficult to ask because I'm usually the helper not the helped x I need to reboot my life xx
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    @bevvyp I lost my grandfather and father a month apart so I do have some understanding of how hard it can be to go on. I know, and have received a number of times, the official line regarding suicidal thoughts. They are fine for a last ditch prevention but don't really help avoiding you getting into that situation. I have suffered suicidal thoughts every day for years now and every day is a struggle to get to the next day, so do understand that too. Perhaps the following might help......

    Samaritans can be helpful in some ways but they are very restricted. ALL they can do is listen and talk to you, making suggestions. They cannot call for help on your behalf, even if you tell them you have already taken an overdose. Talking helps some people but not all.

    MIND can help with practical matters but you have to go through a long-winded assessment and referral system. However, they can give you a worker to help, places to go and people to talk to and make friends with.

    The Mental Health system will provide a Crisis Line for you to call as a last ditch response. They can also provide therapy of various types but again and assessment and referral system has to be gone through.

    NERILL is another charity that provide a support line but I do not know how extensive their cover is. It can be used to provide someone to talk to and also can be used instead of the MH Crisis Line.

    All support apart from Samaritans can, and are legally obliged to, call assistance for you if they believe it necessary. However, unlike Samaritans, they do have access to your health records. This can mean that you don't have to go through every little thing such as is necessary with Samaritans, who do NOT have similar access.

    Your GP is an early support option and, if they are concerned about you, can refer to MH professionals for better support.

    On a personal or private level there are other options. The MH system is structured into 3 levels depending on the severity of your problems. In my area the first level is called Health In Mind. This can be a useful option as they can also provide therapy and other options including referrals to groups like MIND. Depending on your assessment they can deal with themselves or refer you to levels 2 or 3 of the system. Your GP can refer you or you can self-refer.

    There are always local therapy groups which you can research and discover using Google or other search engines online. Depending on your ability to cover the costs the can find you someone to provide assistance at various levels and frequency.

    Also online there are groups like MEETUP. This is a self-help method where different people can set up groups of common interests. You can then join one or more of these groups or start your own and set a maximum travel distance. Each of the groups will set up meetings for the members of the group to go to. There are sometimes costs for being in these groups but it is minimal.

    There are probably other options, generally small local options which you may be able to find. All it takes is an online computer. You can then, in the words of an old advert, 'Let your fingers do the walking'.

    I hope some of this helps.

    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • ChaoskayChaoskay Member Posts: 74 Courageous
    edited December 2017
    I've just read your post and my heart goes out to you.  You've coped with so much for so long.  I can't offer any more advice than what has already been given sadly. 
    Just to say that I'm thinking of you and wishing you strength for the coming days and happy memories once the grief has eased a little. Keep your chin up.  
  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    Thankyou top kitten,  I'm trying to get out_ joined a few groups but as yet not plucked up the courage to go to any but I'm working on it, my family will be with me at Christmas so it won't be so bad, and thankyou chaos kayaking and everyone else who have offered support xxx
  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    Topkitten chaoskay  sorry bout spelling _ !! 
  • JennysDadJennysDad Member Posts: 2,308 Pioneering
    edited February 2018
    Hello Bev @bevvyp and welcome to the community.

    You really have experienced a double whammy, haven't you? And it's not going to be easy to cope. I hope, though, that you will try - the world would be a poorer place without you, even if you don't yet realize it.

    I have experienced bouts of suicidal depression ever since my childhood and, in recent times, they have been very, very heavy. The truth is, though, that however bad I feel, there are (a very few) people to whom my loss would be a severe blow. I go on for them, more than for anything else. You, too, have family to live for, and now you have us too.

    Christmas and New Year are two of the very worst times after a bereavement, and sometimes the responses of other people do not help us. People sometimes say the most stupid or meaningless things, often beginning with "I know how you feel". They don't, of course, because they are not 'you' and your feelings are unique.

    Pay no attention - when the time comes - to anyone who tells you it is 'time to get over it', 'time to move on'. You must take all the time you need. Allow yourself to weep and to be angry. What has happened has been viciously hurtful and cruel, and you are entitled to acknowledge that.

    I will sign off there and hope that I may hear from you. Thinking of you.

  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    Thankyou Richard VR, the worst is my sister's only child (nephew 18 yrs old) hung himself 26th July 2016 so the diagnosis of my husbands cancer came when our whole family were on our knees, inOct 2016 we found out it was terminal then my dad found out he had cancer in may and died in June this yr
  • Neil2017Neil2017 Member Posts: 157 Courageous
    Hi @bevvyp

    Sorry to hear of your losses. That really must be devastating for you. I have had a form of Cancer myself but am fortunate to be a survivor of it so far although have had sight loss due to it.

    Hope you are getting whatever support you need through services like Cancer scharities such as Macmillan or even on here. Or hope you are finding whatever ways to try and keep positive and take each day as it arrives.

    Please keep posting and will be thinking of you.

  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    Bereavement support have contacted me but aren't really offering much , everywhere has waiting lists, cruz is 6 months !! I jus sit and cry, my doc gave me 14 sleeping pills last month but said I should start to sleep soon _ it's been 5 months since I slept a whole night, but docs adamant, regardless of the fact that my worst suicidal times are at night, I am so out of a sleep pattern now I'm all over the place and sleeping in the day, slowly creeping downhill but at least I get to speak to mental health facilitator now, tho I car entertainment open up properly to her for fear of sectioning me, I can't commit suicide I have grandchildren I live too much but that doesn't stop the want to not be here anymore, I feel I'm living to stop my family suffering only 
  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    Thankyou Neil 20 17 xx
  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    Neil2017  thankyou xx
  • Neil2017Neil2017 Member Posts: 157 Courageous
    Such a delay in services these days. It’s terrible with so many cuts.

    i must admit my sleeping is a bit over tge pkace since I had a bad cold and tge dark days. I can quite easily sleep for above average hours. Some people think I am lazy but I have always done it to some extent as have never had high stamina since childhood.

    All I can suggest is maybe go for a short walk around the block and preferably not crossing roads, or go and stand in a garden. Sometimes this helps to clear your head a bit, even for a short while. Or maybe try listening to some relaxing music. Anything for a slight change in routine.
  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    @Neil2017 yes I try to get outside, going to the supermarket can be daunting as I'm now having panic attacks and can't lift my arms when I do, so all a bit scary, I'm hoping to get a puppy soon as my dog is bored just me and she isn't a visable deterant on walks in the woods and such, so she had been on boring walks near house, it will do us both good but new pup is gonna be as big as my Jack Russell is now, so much I need to do but have no motivation and have to be pushed by family. I'm so looking forward to spring and gardening to help clear my mind thankyou xx
  • TopkittenTopkitten Member Posts: 1,263 Pioneering
    Be careful of building up a house full of pets and transferring your feelings of loss into dependence on the pets. You will outlive them and re-stir the grief and go through it all over again. I know someone who did this with rabbits and when they died was overcome with the grief never dealt with plus the new grief of the pet she had become so attached to. As hard and hurtful as it seems, you simply must deal with it.

    Once again I understand the difficulties of agoraphobia, anxiety, paranoia and panic attacks. I suffer all of them and have been pushed deeper due to isolation. Try to find something you can do that will get you out and about where the reward for doing so is so good for you that you don't start thinking of worrying and can often achieve what you set out to do. This might sound silly and I am certainly not suggesting you follow my own methods for this but will explain how I have managed to improve. I decided, once I was in a position to afford it, to see escorts. Having been single and completely alone I found that the guarantee of sex and closeness with a woman completely submerged my fears and I could meet a total stranger in a strange place without falling apart. I started out easy by seeing a couple in my home first and then moved onto seeing them in their home or place of business. The strength I gained from doing this has allowed me to join and attend MEETUP events and to walk into the pub where my son works so I can see him. I can now go a lot of places I would never have believed I could. I still have some problems like being terrified of going to hospital but as I grow stronger I hope to overcome those too.

    Perhaps, as a woman, you can find a male friend nearby. Not to have a relationship with but to go out to places together as friends. If not or if you feel unable to take that sort of step perhaps you can try the WI if there is one near you or perhaps a book reading club or sewing circle or maybe a bridge club. Just find something which gives you the incentive to go through with it.

    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • bevvypbevvyp Member Posts: 42 Connected
    @Topkitten, thankyou you're words seemed harsh at first but after reading it again I see you're logic with regards to pets and find that I agree, I'm gonna put off having another dog ( tho I did tell my hubby I would get another dog) for a year or so  x thankyou, I'm supposed to be going out tonight for a while to family's house then have my neice staying so I'm not alone,  Then we'll see, I do have A male friend I can go out with but he lost his wife 3 1/2 yrs ago so we can talk but his grief scares me as  he seems like he lost his wife a week ago, his grief is so strong agony it worries me that is can't do this a gonna strong till feel the same in 3 plus yrs ? Thanks  again x
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