Do you have a question about sex and relationships? — Scope | Disability forum
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Do you have a question about sex and relationships?

Sam_Alumni
Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,682 Disability Gamechanger
Do you have any questions about sex and relationships?  Our brilliant Personal, Social and Health Education (PSHE) advisor is here to answer your queries and offer support to you. 

Gill works for Queen Alexandra College in Harborne near Birmingham as a full-time PSHE Specialist Therapist. QAC is a specialist college for young people with a wide variety of complex learning, physical & sensory disabilities, as well as autistic spectrum disorders.

She develops & delivers all the group's sex & relationship sessions, as well as providing 1:1 support for students and volunteers for us on the community answering questions and sharing her wealth of knowledge with us.  She says:

I am happy to talk about anything on this forum - body changes, staying safe, what the law says, & what sort of resources are out there. I can answer practical questions, for example about how I teach about things like condoms & contraception and how my experiences might be useful for you. I really am happy to talk about anything, so please do get in touch!
Ask Gill your questions today.
Scope
Senior online community officer
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Comments

  • algy194
    algy194 Member Posts: 25 Listener
    How do I ask Gill a question is it through Sam_Scope. " in other words here"
  • Pippa_Alumni
    Pippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,799 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @algy194, you can ask Gill a question by posting a discussion on this page. Hope that helps!
  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,682 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @algy194
    You can ask her in this post and she can respond, or you can start a new discussion in the sex and relationship category here.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,682 Disability Gamechanger
    Oops! You got the answer twice! :)
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Here or there, I don't mind!  Hello! :smiley:
    - Gill 
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi
    I have a question?
    I suffer with serve sensory neural hearing loss (I'm profoundly deaf) and suffer with tinnitus and ataxia. I am currently taking ant-depressants.
    And have just been told by my GP, I'm going threw the menopause.
    I have what I call fainting spells, during but more often after sex?
    what do you suggest?
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Hi @bevt2017!  I wonder if it is related to your ataxia?  When you say a fainting spell, what sort of thing happens - do you actually lose consciousness? 
    - Gill 
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @PSHEexpert
    Ataxia for me is damage to the nerves in my brain. (After infections in both ears). It effects my balance, walking, sitting and talking, and low oxygen in my blood. That's proberbly why I go really light headed, and end up on the floor. No I  don't go unconsciousness.
    He's not that good
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Oh my!  Haha!  

    It could be something to do with that - blood pressure spikes during orgasm and that could be leaving you feeling a bit light headed.  I do wonder whether it might be worth speaking to your specialist about though, if you can, as that's a bit drastic!
    - Gill 
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
  • Geoark
    Geoark Member, Scope Volunteer Posts: 1,375 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @bevt2017!  I wonder if it is related to your ataxia?  When you say a fainting spell, what sort of thing happens - do you actually lose consciousness? 
    Not something I generally talk about but I often used to lose consciousness and I am told I also stop breathing. I say used to, as in the end it was just easier to give up on that aspect of our relationship, as it did bother my wife.

    Sadly when  I did mention it to the doctor it was ignored and it was only a few years ago that I was told it sound like petite mort or something similar. But nothing about how to deal with it.

    I'm noth bothered about it now, but know it does happen to others and wonder advice you would have, both for those who experience this and their partners. Happy to answer any questions you might have @PSHEexpert

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @Geoark
    I think your very brave, talking about this issue.
    It's very hard I know.
    I have mentioned it before to my doctor, but was completely ignored.
    I have an appointment today with another doctor, so I will let you know how I get on?
    Unlike your amazing wife, my husband is not willing to make such a sacrifice. He says he's not willing to give up on the relationship, but i think he's not willing to give up sex. 
    Even though he needs medication, and 15 yrs older than me.
    I just hope I get some answers and help.
  • Geoark
    Geoark Member, Scope Volunteer Posts: 1,375 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @bevt2017

    Not very brave, my general view is topics should rarely be taboo and sometimes a good discussion can help those less likely to speak up. But it is a difficult one as to when to raise the subject. Plus I can appreciate that it can be very hard on the other person.

    I hope you get an answer and not just brushed off again.

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @Geoark
    She had no idea? It could be a number of factors.
    Menopause being one of them? 
    Seeing her again in 3 months time, to see if the tablets help?
    Thanks for listening. :)
  • Geoark
    Geoark Member, Scope Volunteer Posts: 1,375 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @bevt2017

    See, I knew I went through menopause early  :D

    Hope things work for you and your husband.

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • Stuarty
    Stuarty Member Posts: 4 Listener
    What is a full proof thing to say to any woman to get her to go out with me on a romantic date. cameron


  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    @Stuarty I don't think there's anything foolproof that anyone could say - people are far too complicated!  I think if there's someone you're really interested in, be upfront and honest, get to know her a bit, find out if she's single and interested in dating, and then just...ask nicely!  And ask what sort of thing she'd like to do.  Make sure it's comfortable and no-pressure.  Be upfront that there are no expectations - sometimes it can be off-putting if the person asking you out is over-keen, because it can feel a bit like there's an expectation there for it to go a certain way, and that can be a bit nerve-wracking.  If she's interested it'll be a yes, if she's not then it wasn't meant to be.  I know that sounds really boring and un-magical, but honestly it's just a straightforward proposal and answer. If they need much persuading they're not the right one! Also - first dates often aren't all that romantic; you need to know a little bit about the person so you can make it romantic for both of you, if that makes sense.  We think about hearts and flowers and dinner and chocolate, but that might not be someone's cup of tea AT ALL!  So maybe just think of it as an opportunity to spend time getting to know them a bit, and not particularly of it being a full-on evening of romance in the first instance.  

    It is all very personal, but I think most people appreciate and are flattered by a very honest and open approach - so something along the lines of, 'I wonder if you'd be interested in going out for coffee or a drink?  I think you're really lovely and I'd like to get to know you a bit better.  It's fine if you don't (but I still think you're really nice).'  Or something along those lines.  And if it's a no, be gracious - 'No problem, but you can't blame me for asking.  Thank you!' and leave it at that.  Personally speaking, I think just being asked politely is perfectly nice, and having my choice heard and respected.  Anyway - GOOD LUCK, hope you get on well! :)
    - Gill 
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    @Geoark and @bevt2017 - thank you BOTH for leading such a sensitive conversation, I am very grateful for you being so upfront.  @bevt2017 I shall have everything crossed for you over the next couple of months; maybe your meds will make a difference, but I wonder if it might be useful to keep a diary of if/when things happen?

    @Geoark - it's so bloody disappointing when things are brushed off.  It's really frustrating and I am convinced that's why things don't get raised (and thus talked about, and thus researched into, and solutions found, etc etc...) 

    I am going to be honest and say that after much hunting about and reading last night there's not a massive amount of stuff out there (well, that I can access anyway) that seems to be of much help.  HOWEVER, I wonder whether you'd mind (either of you) if I float the question out with some of the other professionals in the Sexual Health and Disability Alliance?  I could ask our forum there, you never know...

    - Gill 
  • Geoark
    Geoark Member, Scope Volunteer Posts: 1,375 Disability Gamechanger

    @PSHEexpert I don't have any objections, as it would be interesting to get more informtion.

    One thing I did find helpful, was once I got close to ejaculation if I concentrated on my breathing it tended not happen. However I found this very disatisfying as it meant mentally disconnecting from what was going on and the person I was with. Plus it didn't always work.

    As an individual I stood alone.
    As a member of a group I did things.
    As part of a community I helped to create change!

  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Hi @PSHEexpert
    I'm going to mention it to my hearing therapist tomorrow.
    You never know?
    I have no objections either, it will be interesting to see how you get on?
    If I find any new information on this? I will let you know.

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