I can’t say no , I can’t say how bad I’m feeling

shaunmc

I’m just a bit lost , I brought my children up on my own until I had my accident then after that 6/7 months away from them in hospital I feel like I cannot say no , they are grown up now with their own young children and have a busy and a sometimes difficult time with their kids , they don’t seem to manage doing some things and ask me for help and of course I say yes, this 
it is hard work for me but I’m all they have because of their situations , I really feel I’m doing something great but it’s tiresome for me and I’m in so much pain I cry, 

JennysDad

Hello @shaunmc and a warm welcome to the community. I am glad you've found us.
Clearly you are doing your best, and my respect to you for that.
I wonder what it is that you cannot say no to, and which is causing you such upset? Is it financial demands, physical tasks that you find draining and painful, or something else that I haven't thought of
And could you tell us something more about your own medical condition? It might help us point you in the direction of the right people to best support you here. 
Hope you don't mind my asking - I just want to find the best way to help.
Very warmest best wishes to you,
Richard

shaunmc

I had a work accident 18 yrs ago and broke my neck ( incomplete) I felt useless and now even more, I was a painter and decorator and the only income earner when they were kids , I still feel responsible for how they are and how they live , if they need a hand in doing anything I feel I have to say yes , they were only 8 and 11 yrs old when I had my accident , for children that age to go through all they did and then help me at a such young age was u believable , I still feel I have to make it up to them , don’t get me wrong they don’t pressure me , I just have to say yes I want to help , if I say I can’t because of what ever reason I really think I’m letting them down, they made my life worth fighting for , sorry it’s such a long reply but there is so much more. 

JennysDad

Hello again (I'm guessing) Shaun, @shaunmc, and there's nothing to apologise for in your post. If our reading a short novel would help us to help you, you are perfectly welcome to write that short novel

I'm glad it's not about pressure - that does happen sometimes, unhappily.

You might want to take a look at our disabled parents thread https://community.scope.org.uk/categories/disabled-parents and possibly even make a similar post there, though there's a good chance admin will move your post to that forum within the next few days (it's normally quick, but Easter may get in the way).

In my case it may be that 'free advice is worth what you pay for it' but a couple of things strike me:
One is that your kids would probably be very upset to know they are causing you pain and that the longer that continues the more upset they will be when they find out about it. Could you not arrange a sit-down chat with them, just to tell them you have limitations? To tell them "Look, I really want to be as much help and support to you as I can be, but whilst I can do 'B' and want to, doing 'A' causes me a great deal of pain'?

You've been a dad - and it sounds like an excellent one - for a very long time, and you're not to blame for the adverse circumstances that have affected you and them. You have a life to live too, and you matter as much as any human being can. Eventually, too much pain may wear you down, make you less useful to them than you want to be, so that it makes sense to try to even it out a little.

So those are just my thoughts, made humbly and with respect. Use them or discard them as you think fit, but please stay in touch. Others who may have had similar experiences could well be in touch with you soon.

Very, very best of luck, Shaun, and my warmest best wishes to you and to yours,

Richard