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Asperger Syndrome and Me

endo64 Member Posts: 20 Pioneering
edited August 2019 in Coffee lounge


My Thought Process 


I didn’t want to be here in the first place.

The voice says in my head 
When I start talking, I forget to stop
I get tongue tied when I’m speaking, because my thoughts run faster than my mouth


I think that what you’re saying is interesting, the voice says in my head
While thinking about what you are saying I missed the rest of what you said
I had the perfect answer, but now you’re talking about something else
And now the perfect answer has gone straight out of my head


I’ll try to catch up with what you’re now saying instead.
I didn’t want to be here in the first place, 
The voice says in my head

Now thinking
What else can I say instead? 
My response just went over your head 
I express myself better when writing,

So how is your day I ask?
Hoping you will lead the conversation 
While I work with the emotions in my head! 
The room has now become crowded. 
Others have come over to join us, I smile I hope a welcoming grin,
Yet my brain is finding it difficult to control
 The din of so many voices all jumbling in,
Words all jumping around, as bouncy balls all making sounds

I feel my head swim, 
My pulse starts to race, 
I’m anxious 
I can’t keep pace
Now what can I do to save face.

Heart racing, 
I look for safe retreat, 
Waiting for the right moment, to get to my feet,

What shall I say as I make my escape?
Panic tightens my chest
Can’t catch my breath
 I’m sure I will die; 
Dizzily I feel frozen in this place
I look upwards and silently say to the sky 
I didn’t want to be here, you see, this is why

My leaving a blur 
Muttered thanks
Excuses for leaving so soon
Now home safe as panic subsides, 
Happy that I had survived
Awaiting the beginning of depolarization time
The analysis of every minute that has gone by, 
From how lucky am I to have survived? 

Why did they ask that? 
 Was my answer correctly made?
In a manner that didn’t offend?
I wish I hadn’t been there 
I never know when the analysis will end 

Another set of flashback to drive me round the bend 
Awaiting triggers 
To start the whole analysis 
All over again
I didn’t ask to be there

It would have been rude not to attend.
Will this never end?

Gwen Henderson 2018



  • JennysDad
    JennysDad Member Posts: 2,299 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello Gwen @endo64
    and thank you for posting this. It seems to me to express just brilliantly what I have heard so many people on the spectrum say. Excellent.
    Warmest best wishes to you,
  • debbiedo49
    debbiedo49 Member Posts: 2,904 Disability Gamechanger
    Well written and appreciated 
  • endo64
    endo64 Member Posts: 20 Pioneering
    I wrote it after agreeing to go to the local pub with one of my sons for lunch. I kept the writing just to the being at the pub but i can assure you that the getting ready process was similar from the invitation to the getting to the pub door. My son who at 30 is used to my millions of why questions was having non of the excuses to just eat here at my house. Bless him he thought going out to lunch would be a nice treat to say thanks for being his mum. 
  • VioletFenn
    VioletFenn Member Posts: 124 Pioneering
    Oh god, ALLLL of the yes to this  :D 
  • JennysDad
    JennysDad Member Posts: 2,299 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi again, Gwen,
    Don't bother if you don't want to, but I'd be very glad if you'd post a copy of this into our online members gallery, KaleidoScope here 
    It really is an excellent piece.
    Best to you,
  • endo64
    endo64 Member Posts: 20 Pioneering
    Hi JennysDad , I will try to copy and past it onto the gallery. can you let me know if it is there or not. Thank you again for liking it, as I wasn't sure how it would be received. the rantings of Gwen haha
  • JennysDad
    JennysDad Member Posts: 2,299 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @endo64 and yes, bless you, it is there. Great to see it, still quite awed by it.
    Thank you so much,
    Warmest best wishes,
  • endo64
    endo64 Member Posts: 20 Pioneering
    Im still suprised that i actually posted it. I have many such rantings. I would like to learn the process of book writing. I paint crochet knit sew and çrossstich and garden proficiently yet the process of book writing would help me use the boxes of writing i have stored for years. Lol my life with Aspereger syndrome using all my qualifications to critically evaluate standardised images of Asperger individuals. Thats my goal
  • JennysDad
    JennysDad Member Posts: 2,299 Disability Gamechanger
    If there is anything I might be able to do to help, just be in touch. I have two novels and a number of short stories to my credit, commercially published (not self published). The are all literary adult erotic fiction, so I don't want to name them or otherwise publicize them here, but I have helped edit other writers' works also.
    Very best to you,
  • endo64
    endo64 Member Posts: 20 Pioneering
    That is amazing well done you. Im more of the factual type. But yes i would like help to understand the process I have boxes of bits of paperunder my bed waiting to be put together. Everyone always says i should  write a book n would love to but feel lost
  • JennysDad
    JennysDad Member Posts: 2,299 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @endo64

    You probably want to think of a structure to begin with. "My life with Aspergers" sounds - of course - autobiographical, and there is some demand for autobiography out there.
    For an autobiography you might want to start by selecting material according to your age at the time, from youngest to oldest, then putting them together and thinking how you are going to link the pieces.
    In many ways, the best way is simply to dive in and write :smile:
  • endo64
    endo64 Member Posts: 20 Pioneering
    That helps alot and sorting is what i shall do. I think i will need 3 piles lol one for the autobio one for the other book ideas poems n art and one for the business building idea. I have many diaries. So basically build a word doc with date order instances then add the research critique. This will then show how personal social and structural phase changes including environmental cultural and emotional changes develop.

    May i ask if there is a word count. Spacing font or margin requirements should i add a reference page or any other structure i should follow please. If you don't mind me taking up ur time. 
  • JennysDad
    JennysDad Member Posts: 2,299 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello endo64
    and sorry I didn't get back more quickly - had to get something to eat :smile:
    I think the time to worry about word count, spacing and all the rest is when the book is written. I think - emphasis on think - that novels run to something in the order of 70-100,000 words, but the word count for an autobiography is probably essentially just the number of words required to complete it :smile:
    Again, if it's a Word document on computer, any adjustments to suit a potential publisher can simply be applied when the rest of the work is done. 12 pt tends to be a standard body text size, but even that could be adjusted on the finished file.
    The biggest task in writing is probably the editing that comes when the book is theoretically complete, the time and process in which you streamline your words, get rid of accidents and typos and clean everything up.
    As long as you make a note of any references you're going to use and know where to find them, things like the contents page and the references can be tidied up at the end of the process.
    Write what you want to say and what you feel, write as if you were writing it to a friend and take time to read your work aloud to yourself, because that's when you will spot the worst clumsinesses and errors, the 'the the's and unwanted repetitions that spoil the rhythm. 
    Hope that helps.
  • VioletFenn
    VioletFenn Member Posts: 124 Pioneering
    Hi @endo64

    I can see that @JennysDad  has already given you loads of brilliant advice, but didn't want to not reply.

    My advice, for what it's worth - just start writing. Get it out on the screen (or page or whatever) and worry about what you're going to do with it later. Don't worry about getting it right first time - I call my first versions of anything 'the vomit draft' for good reason ;)

    If you eventually decide to send it to a publisher or agent, they will have instructions on their website as to what format/spacing etc they want it in. Do it exactly as they ask.

    And good luck!

    ASD advisor, Scope
  • endo64
    endo64 Member Posts: 20 Pioneering
    Hi violent sorry for my lack of response i was a little overwhelmed at the thought of actually realising an ambition to produce a book was possible and my brain went into overdrive and i crashed. The sun came out and i touched base with the earth to replenish my spirit. Im happy to say that im back and ready to go fowards. 
    I contacted NTU as to finishing my degree and they are happy for me to return if UCAS are happy to reactivate my learning fund. So now i need to gain the courage to contact them next... 
  • yassin
    yassin Member Posts: 11 Connected


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