Dating and relationships
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30 year old with Aspergers.

CV1134CV1134 Member Posts: 1 Listener
edited April 2018 in Dating and relationships
I'm having trouble with a current relationship. I'm getting angry and frustrated all the time and I don't really understand why.

I haven't had this problem before because I've always ended relationships early on and there were good reasons to do so (e.g serious incompatibility).

Now I've met some who shares some of my intense interests and isn't too suffocating (we meet up once a week). However it's getting to the point that whenever I see a message appear from him, I almost explode with anger and start thinking pretty nasty thoughts but once I've calmed down, logically I can see the reaction is unfair and over the top.

I'm also really confused about the normal progression of a relationship. We've been in contact for a couple of months and he's already saying he really likes me and enjoys spending time together. I like seeing him now and again but I don't seem as attached as he does.

I don't know whether I find his enthusiasm suspicious or frightening.

I don't really know what to do. I can't find a good reasons to end the relationship that actually makes sense. So I'm wondering why I'm feeling this way.

Replies

  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,731 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @CV1134
    Welcome to the community and thanks so much for sharing.

    I think that relationships can be tricky and it's great that you are reaching out to talk about this.

    I hope @PSHEexpert will be along to offer her thoughts soon, I also wondered if @VioletFenn our ASD advisor may be able to share her thoughts.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • PSHEexpertPSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Good morning!  Thank you for your post.  It sounds like you're having a pretty confusing time, and that can be really rough.

    I wonder whether you are feeling a bit invaded - it sounds like you feel like he's in your space or intruding when he messages you, which is very tricky.  In my opinion it's normal for him to be saying that he likes to spend time with you and that he likes you.  That's appropriate for a couple of months in; he's just expressing how he feels and what his intentions are.  It sounds as though he's interested in you and in spending time with you, as he messages you first and initiates contact.

    Now for the tricky bit I suppose - do you actually like him?  I felt as though, whilst it's good "on paper", you're feeling overwhelmed even seeing him once a week.  I think it's more often the case that people in the first throes of a relationship might want to see each other more often, actually (although obviously there's no right or wrong way) - but it might explain why he seems more keen than you are.  He may well have the expectation and desire to spend more time with you than you actually feel okay with. 

    SO...what I'm getting round to is this.  Relationships are ace - if you want one.  If you want a mate with similar interests to hang out with - also, ace.  The thing is though, you have to both be able to engage in it in a way that is okay for you.  That's a big factor in compatibility too, as well as having similar interests and views, etc.  It's hard to say anything definitive based on one brief post and not knowing you in person, but it's okay if you don't want it.  You don't need a "good reason" - your not feeling comfortable is a perfectly valid reason.  Just because someone is nice, or right "on paper", it doesn't mean they're the right person at the right time, etc.  It's really okay if you don't feel comfortable to say 'I don't feel comfortable'.

    That being said, the flip side is that if you DO like him, it can sometimes feel scary and overwhelming when they like you back, as being in an intimate relationship with someone does take some adjusting to - one of the biggest points being that you have to feel okay about letting them in a bit, or it can't really be very intimate!  Sorry if that was quite a rambly response - intimacy and romance is complex and challenging, or it wouldn't continue to be such a focus and source of inspiration in the wider consciousness.  Without knowing you and him in person it's hard to give a perfectly accurate response but hopefully there is something in there that made some sense! 
    - Gill 
  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,731 Disability Gamechanger
    Thanks @PSHEexpert :)
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
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