Parents, carers and disabled parents
If this is your first visit, check out the community guide. You will have to Join us or Sign in before you can post.

sex as release of day to day pressures


I am new here and do not know if this is ok to post here as i am a carer as well. i hope it is.

I have been my wife's carer for a long time now and we have always had an active and good sexual relationship. She now has been in remission of cancer now for 12 month and also suffers from mental health problems, but still is not interested in sex even she now is physical recovered. the problem is that sex always has been a pressure release and a necessity to life for me. i have got chronic illnesses myself and suffer from mental health as well, as my wife is and sex was something which kept my equilibrium..

I few years back, when we were younger, we were swingers and had an open relationship, we have been married now for 35 years and are rock solid, as we have always been, never any problems or secrets.
My wife suffered a trauma, about 7 years back, which caused her mental health problems and that it when she did withdraw from society and the outside world, as according to her, they can not be trusted.
She has told me that i can go ahead and have sex with somebody else, but not in our house or any overnight stays and she does not want to be told about it.
We have talked to our Dr and my wife's counselor and also now her psychiatrist, but they all just say to give it time.
I live 40 miles from the nearest town, have not dated for years, so i would not even know where to start to find a willing partner.
Neither do i have the time to look, as i am a carer for her 7 days a week all day and just have a little time in the evening.
so my question is does anybody have any ideas how to deal with this, should I consider looking for carers in the same boat as me, for some mutual relief?
Or would this be wrong?


  • MarkmywordsMarkmywords Member Posts: 421 Pioneering
    This should have gone in the "Ask a sex and relationships expert" section but no matter.

    It's very common to encounter loss of libido after cancer and that is when treatment goes well. In many cases it never returns.

    I can't give you relationship advice but people sometimes say things that isn't how they feel.

    There is also the "seeing a professional" option.
  • feirfeir Member Posts: 396 Pioneering
    edited May 2018
    It wouldn't be wrong if you're sure your wife is ok with you doing this and it's also what you actually want. At least you have discussed it with her. It would only be wrong if it's not what either of you actually want.

    These are options i can think of;
    You could look online for someone;
    -Escort services, this would cost money but save on time looking. Best option imo.
    -Social networks, this would take time but cost nothing and i know there is a huge skepitcism of married men saying they have permission to look outside their relationship for sex. Poor likelihood of results.
    -Go to swinging clubs or try to get back into that scene, costs money for clubs/travel to meets and also includes some networking so time as well. Results depend on what you want exactly.

    This probably doesn't need saying as you were part of the swinging scene before and this tends to be common knowledge but if you do meet strangers for sex then it's best to go the safest route and use protection and have regular check ups for STDs.

  • knowledgeknowledge Member Posts: 2 Listener
    Thanks for the reply's, as in regard to escort which possible would a solution, i would not be able to afford it as we are on benefits, swingers clubs a re difficult because I live 40 miles from the nearest town and also have not dated for years, so i would not even know where to start to find a willing partner.
    Neither do i have the time to look, as i am a carer for her 7 days a week all day and just have a little time in the evening.So some forums etc would be good to put my "case".
  • feirfeir Member Posts: 396 Pioneering
    No worries. As you're male it's highly unlikely (but not impossible) that you would find someone without much effort or money. But this is the same with most things in life also, the less time or money you have then also less options.
  • littleruthie123littleruthie123 Member Posts: 490 Pioneering
    Going through cancer is such a traumatic have been through it also ,12 months might seem long too you ,but proberly not too her.did she have a mascetamy ,reconstruction?.im guessing she still in shock and therapy would possibly help .also no one changes play a big part in the hard journey also .theres so many dating sites ,swingers ,meet up things all over the internet now sex could be easily daughter out if you feel you must 
Sign in or join us to comment.