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"You don't look disabled"?

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bevt2017
bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
Hi everyone! 

I had an interesting disscution with my son a few weeks ago. And I wanted to see if other disabled people, have had similar experiences.

For those who don't know me.
I've only been disabled for just over 2 years now.
I'm proufoundly deaf and also have pheripharal neuropathy, spasms, ataxia, virtigo, non specific vascilitus, anxiety, stress and depression.
 
I also need to use a wheelchair when i go out.

I was out on my weekly day out, with my husband and my son, when i noticed 3 women talking.
One of the women looked straight at me, roll her eyes and shuck her head.
She then said something to the other women, then they also turned, looked at me and did the same.
I did look around to see if they was maybe looking at something else (but they wasn't).

I was quite upset and angry about this, and asked my husband if he had seen them doing it? "He said no"

My son then said "it's proberbly because you don't look disabled"?
I said "well what does a disabled person look like"? 
He said I don't think that, but I bet they do.
I said so it's more acceptable, if people can see your disability?

Then I started thinking is it them or is it me with the problem?.
Do disabled people judge other disabled people on there appearance?

I really hate the word "invisible disabilitys" because it's like I'm saying my disabilitys are not real. 

Maybe I should of gone up to the women and asked if there was something wrong? 

What would you have done in my situation?

Thanks for any replys 
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Comments

  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community member Posts: 7,935 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hey Bev,

    I know too well how upsetting this can be and that you have to question yourself. If they were talking about you then clearly they have nothing better to do. I've learnt over time to just focus on who I'm with, when I first became disabled, I'll admit, I was extremely paranoid that everybody was either staring at me or talking about me. I'm always here if you need a chat xx
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • DavidJ
    DavidJ Community member Posts: 55 Pioneering
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    Apologies if it doesn’t read properly !! Spellcheck went silly Type your comment
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,379 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hello @bevt2017 Thank you for your post. .

    After all I have known you most days you send me supportive messages and may I add very grateful.

    Understanding why people are talking about you is never ever in my view. Not respectable and well rudeness and ignorance. No body likes this. 

    I once went out on a date with a lady who had problems.  With every body looking and saying untold things and just being  unpleasant.  She was an attractive blonde. So she found me.  Probably the last choice. Anyway her story was every time going out they the whispers the other women would comment on her.

    Her looks, her figure and every thing else. So went to a crowded restaurant.  Her in panic mode there all talking about me. She hollered can not stand it.

    No it not you there looking it is me.  Why ?  Got them thinking has it not. How a good looking lad he says . Lad with a disability getting the girl of his dreams.  End of story.

    The point being no matter how you look and what you are.  There are those in society who see faults and cracks and worse make a judgement on others.

    I have met lots of people with disabilities, illness who have mental health issues .  Mainly anxiety and how others perceive them to be. 

    Even my good self . Had this in my head and the feeling of others were being hurtful and full of spite. Then I realised it is OK to be the way we are. Need acceptance. So now I still get the odd comment from people but there again.

    Then I realised that I was wasting time and energy talking, thinking about them and how much harm it is doing to me.  One time arguing with them. Yes I thought why.

    I always say walk a mile in my shoes... 

    Speak soon

    @thespiceman





    Community Champion
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  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
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    Hi everyone!

    Thank you so much for your kind words of support.

    Hi @Charli
    Your husband is very lucky to have you.
    It's such a shame we have to deal with ignorant people.
    I'm not use to this feeling of vulnerability and feeling scared to leave my home. I do hide behind my hat, so that I can hide (Sad really).

    @Ami2301
    Hi sweetie good to hear from you. Hope you and the family are doing ok.
    I do try to ignore them, I just get so angry.
    My husband says people don't look at me as much as I say they do? I beg to differ on that.

    Hi @DavidJ
    That's awesome! Something I would of love to have done to get a reaction. 
    20 years WOW I've only been going through this for 2 years. I suppose you have to develop hard skin, it's just a shame we need too.
    My daughter's school as arranged for scope, to go into her school and talk about all disabilitys.
    I think more schools should educate children.

    Hi @thespiceman

    Thank you for being so supportive and helping me.

    As you know I do struggle with my anxietys.
    I just have to learn how to except, that people are critical of everyone not just me.

    I like the bit, were you told her they were all talking about you. 
    That's because you are an "Italian stallian" ?

    Thanks everyone
    Bev x
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community member Posts: 7,935 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hey Bev,
    All is well and good thank you, hope you and your family are keeping well too :)
    I know exactly what you mean, Ewan used to say the same to me and in time I realised I was focusing more on people who I didn't know and caring more about what they think when I should have been focusing on myself. I know it's easier said than done but their opinions don't matter, you are a beautiful and strong woman! ❤️
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • Markmywords
    Markmywords Community member Posts: 419 Pioneering
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    Hello @bevt2017 .

    If I was ever told I didn't look disabled then I'd tell them that they "don't look like an ignorant **** so clearly appearances are nothing to go by."
    I'm sorry but there are bigger problems to deal with than the whispers of people who can't harm you.
    Discrimination is everywhere and can be much worse. I had to grow a thicker skin. I judge such people as having less worth than I so automatically I feel better :smiley:
  • DavidJ
    DavidJ Community member Posts: 55 Pioneering
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    @Markmywords i love that comment re the morons !!!
    mine is -well at least when they are talking about me they are leaving someone else alone !!
    @bevt2017
    I hope all goes well at your daughters school. Pity the parents can’t sit in on it , but it’s a start .
    My Cup is always half full never half empty . Where we are concerned I always remember that there are nice people out there too but being nice doesn’t sell newspapers ! Only bad news does .stay positive and enjoy life everyone 


  • DavidJ
    DavidJ Community member Posts: 55 Pioneering
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    Here’s a question for everyone !!
    What DOES a disabled person look like??
    I need help with this because I don’t know !! Do you ?
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
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    Hi @Ami2301

    Awww thanks sweetie ?
    The family is great thank you.

    Ewan is right! I need to ignore the negativity.
    My husband always says, my bladder is to near my eyes lol.

    Great work your doing in the community by the way.
    It's good to have you back ♥️

    Hi @Markmywords

    I don't think I could do that lol

    My husband was verbally attacked once.
    We was in a shop, when my husband asked a women if we could get by.
    She was fumming and gave my husband a dirty look. When he appologised and said thank you, she shouted at him "so you should be".

    When I looked up everyone was starring at me and then started clapping.

    My husband then told me what had happened.
    The people in the shop was actually applauding my husband.
    Some of them even shouted at the women, for being so aggressive and rude.

    Instead of me thinking about how strangers supported us.
    I just wanted to go home and didn't leave the house for weeks.

    Hi @DavidJ

    Thank you! 

    I couldn't agree more about the parents. 
    Maybe the children can educate the parents.

    Thank you everyone!
  • Markmywords
    Markmywords Community member Posts: 419 Pioneering
    edited August 2018
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    Tiny Tim I expect, @DavidJ. "God bless us, every one. We're so grateful that you let us live in your lovely world, your honour."

    @bevt2017 , you're a better person than they could ever be.

    Self-entitlement is the biggest disease of our time   :/
  • SethLaa
    SethLaa Community member Posts: 111 Courageous
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    I remember when I was walking (sort of) around B&Q when a lady approx 60yo commented to her partner that persons (me) should not be in public when drunk, you should have seen the look on her face when I 'loudly' told her that I suffer from MS before offering her partner my deepest sympathy. It made my day
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community member Posts: 7,935 Disability Gamechanger
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    @bevt2017 Haha! Love it! Thank you that means a lot :) ❤️
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • Stella_10
    Stella_10 Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    Hello Bev, you are not alone. I face the same kind of thing at my work place and that too from my superiors. They do not believe that I have disability after giving all kind of medical reports and report from OH. I never show my disability- I try to do things smartly and why one should show? It's absolutely my personal thing. It's hard and I try my best to do my work properly but there is no thanks or any motivational word by them. After reading all these from you guys I feel bit relaxed that I am not alone. When I say to my colleague or superiors they either ignore or laugh at me. I do feel upset sometimes but then some how I try to be strong. Some times i do feel to leave my job but then my daughters and husband encourage me to continue work. Don't know how long I will be able to continue but I am trying my best.
     Loads of love to you lovely people our there xx
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
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    Hi @Stella_10

    That's shocking! 

    Your co workers and especially your superviser, should be supporting you in work.
    Is there a manager you could speak to, or someone higher up?
    Maybe having a meeting with them, to talk about how you feel and how they can support you in work.

    Maybe talking to one of scopes advisors? (your rights in the work place).

    No! Your not alone
     
    You will always have support from us lovely people at scope ??

    Take care
    Bev x
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,379 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hello @Stella_10   Pleased to meet you . Reading your post. I do think you need to speak to some one who deals in employment law.

    Understand there are several issues here. First one . All employers have to make adjustments to members of our community.  Who are working. No matter what the illness or disability is.

    I believe that you need to speak to either a Union Rep. If that is not possible you need to speak to CAB. They can offer and support you with any advice you may need to take.  

    Second I would concerned you are made to feel you are being bullied at work. Being laughed at sneered at, made fun. Being ignored is a form of bullying and harassment.

    Trust me I have been there so many times.  Problem is you fear for your own job security and well being. I have all I can add is a lot of mutual respect for you. To continue.

    I am concerned as many of our community will be.  

    After being on so many of these Back to Work schemes in all.  I got was discrimination, harassment and made to look small.

    Promises of adjustments and help never came. Then even when got a permanent position. It never came.

    All I can add there are laws and I would consider speaking to CAB or other employment advisors.

    Please give our helpline a ring 0808 800 3333.  They could help with any further action you may have to take and give you any advice, information.

    Remember we are here. To listen, give you advice, support and wish you well. 

    Please take care.

    Always in prayers and thoughts

    @thespiceman
    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
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  • Stella_10
    Stella_10 Community member Posts: 7 Listener
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    Thank you Bev and Thespiceman for you kind words. There is another new thing happened. I was off sick for few weeks and they called me for a chat twice in between because they were not following the DDA rule. Anyways that was sorted so I am back to my work few weeks before and 2 days before they asked me to pre filled form of return to work. When I asked why this is pre filled and signed by the manager and lune manager, they said it is because we had meeting with you few weeks before and forgot to take your signature. I said that meeting took place at the time when I was in sick leave. I said can I have a copy of this because I will be signing the form. They refused and said that i can view when ever I want as it will be in my file. I took the form, wrote this form was pre filled and not written by me and signed. Then my the Manager came to me and said gave me excuse that we discussed previously etc etc. When I said I do not agree to this as the discussion what ever we had was at the time of my sick leave, so he said we will have Return to Work meeting on Monday. You can well imagine how I am still been bullied and harassed. 
    Thank you once again and will speak to the number you gave me, soon x
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,379 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hello @Stella_10   Thank you for replying back to me.  This does concern and worry me.

    Understand you need to talk to some one in the employment law sector. 

    I do not want to distress you further. All I can say am horrified by the whole thing. Also feel and do understand you need some support here.  

    Having been in a similar situation once before.

    All I can say.

    I would consider talking as I said CAB . Good with employment problems and situations like this.  Will be useful.

    Glad to hear you are going to call our help line.

    Please let the community know how you get on and remember we are always here.

    Pleasure to meet you.

    Take care

    @thespiceman





    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • bevt2017
    bevt2017 Community member Posts: 324 Pioneering
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    Thank you @thespiceman

    Awesome advice ?

    Hi @Stella_10

    I'm so sorry your going through this.

    The spiceman is right, its totally unacceptable how your being treated.
    You need some help and support.

    Being bullied in the work place is unacceptable.

    I hope you contact the helpline and please let us know how you get on.

    All the best 
    Take care
    Bev x
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