Giving up, giving in or just accepting? — Scope | Disability forum
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Giving up, giving in or just accepting?

cracker
cracker Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
I have lost my fight. I always fought to be better, knowing I would improve. I have lost that fight.
It feels like giving up - and indeed it is the giving up of what was a hopeful fantasy.

Is this a stage we go through in order to come to peace with our illness?

Comments

  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,923 Disability Gamechanger
    Sorry to hear you're feeling this way @cracker

    To me, there are 4 stages to accepting a disability/illness. Denial, Anger, Emotional, Acceptance. The first three can happen in any order for each person. What you're feeling right now is completely normal. I know it's easier said than done but hang in there, you will be OK. We will hold your hand throughout this :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • cracker
    cracker Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Thanks,@Am120301. Does it sound like acceptance, then - and do these cycles repeat themselves?
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,923 Disability Gamechanger
    In my experience, yes. It can differ from person to person. The more I think about it, not just disability or illness, but any major thing that has affected us on a daily basis will lead us to going through this phase
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • cracker
    cracker Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    How spot on you are, when I think about it. A major loss, even a change of circumstances - a job, a move to a different place, graduating from school - these all tell on us in the same way.

    I have more understanding now. Grateful for that.
  • Yadnad
    Yadnad Posts: 2,856 Member
    Ami2301 said:
    Sorry to hear you're feeling this way @cracker

    To me, there are 4 stages to accepting a disability/illness. Denial, Anger, Emotional, Acceptance. The first three can happen in any order for each person. What you're feeling right now is completely normal. I know it's easier said than done but hang in there, you will be OK. We will hold your hand throughout this :)
    You are so right. I'm at the acceptance stage and have been rebuilding my life for the past 4 years

    Some people seem to need sympathy all of the time or demand that everyone around them knows all about their disabilities and as such they never move from the first three. In fact there are many that don't want to reach the 4th stage as it would mean a loss of income from the government.
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,923 Disability Gamechanger
    I will admit, during my anger stage, I was desperate for people around me to understand what I was going through, I kept pushing loved ones away because of this. Thankfully, one day it just hit me and I wasn't going to let my disabilities affect me anymore. I said to myself 'I accept this' and since then have had a better mindset about everything.

    My attitude towards my disabilities is, I may have all these things wrong with me...and? Ain't going to stop me from making the best of my life.!
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • tamidavis
    tamidavis Member Posts: 14 Connected
    Hi @cracker

    This must be difficult to talk about so thanks for opening up :) There's so many layers and factors to coming to peace with a disability however I feel that accepting who you are and your life how it is, is an important one! Hope you're having a great day.

    Tami
  • cracker
    cracker Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    You are right, but  I am not there yet. I go through periods of saying 
    I refuse to be limited, refuse to be ill, I will get back to myself.
    " Then  do  things like I did today - two loads of heavy laundry, hanging them all outside and bringing them in again. And now the pain is v ery bad and I can't move my left arm at all.

    My mind wants something my b cannot do. I have to work hard at accepting my life just as it is. That means letting go of a lot of dreams.

    Thanks for answering. (I have no idea how this computer went into italics or how to get it back to a normal font).
  • cracker
    cracker Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    Yadnad said:
    Ami2301 said:
    Sorry to hear you're feeling this way @cracker

    To me, there are 4 stages to accepting a disability/illness. Denial, Anger, Emotional, Acceptance. The first three can happen in any order for each person. What you're feeling right now is completely normal. I know it's easier said than done but hang in there, you will be OK. We will hold your hand throughout this :)
    You are so right. I'm at the acceptance stage and have been rebuilding my life for the past 4 years

    Some people seem to need sympathy all of the time or demand that everyone around them knows all about their disabilities and as such they never move from the first three. In fact there are many that don't want to reach the 4th stage as it would mean a loss of income from the government.
    @Ami2301, why would this result in a loss of income from the government?
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,923 Disability Gamechanger
    @Yadnad could you please explain what you mean? I think I know what you meant but just want to double check so I don't get it wrong
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • Markmywords
    Markmywords Member Posts: 419 Pioneering
    It's basically the "Stages of Grief" @cracker . These can be googled. The person you were, both mentally and physically has gone.
    While a positive mental attitude might help, it can lead to denying reality.
    I think most people who become disabled later in life go through it.
  • cracker
    cracker Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    It's basically the "Stages of Grief" @cracker . These can be googled. The person you were, both mentally and physically has gone.
    While a positive mental attitude might help, it can lead to denying reality.
    I think most people who become disabled later in life go through it.
    @Markmywords, your post made me cry - and it's about time I did.

    "The person you were, mentally and physically, is gone".

    I understand "physically", but not "mentally". You have such good insight - could you explain that for me? I have, of course, mental changes from ageing, but what changes do you mean that are brought about by the disability? 

    Thank you for your honesty.
  • debbiedo49
    debbiedo49 Member Posts: 2,904 Disability Gamechanger
    I’m totally with you there. I didn’t consider myself “disabled” until I came on here and I was struggling with anger and identity issues and grieving for my old self. But coming on here I’ve accepted for the most part this is me, just like the song lol. I really don’t care what other people think of me I can take them or leave them and I’m not putting up with any nonsense.,thanks Scope lol
  • Markmywords
    Markmywords Member Posts: 419 Pioneering
    edited October 2018
    cracker said:
    It's basically the "Stages of Grief" @cracker . These can be googled. The person you were, both mentally and physically has gone.
    While a positive mental attitude might help, it can lead to denying reality.
    I think most people who become disabled later in life go through it.
    @Markmywords, your post made me cry - and it's about time I did.

    "The person you were, mentally and physically, is gone".

    I understand "physically", but not "mentally". You have such good insight - could you explain that for me? I have, of course, mental changes from ageing, but what changes do you mean that are brought about by the disability? 

    Thank you for your honesty.

    It was a bit of a generalisation. It depends on how the disability came about and how severe it is. Mine was through cancer and the treatments. It was all hugely traumatic. There was a time when just hearing an I.V. pump beeping would make me vomit, like a twist on Pavlov's dogs. Your outlook on life and death change.
    It 's impossible to experience all that and not be changed.
    Sometimes I just start crying for no reason and it's been 10 years since now. I see young and athletic people and I now think with utter astonishment, "people can actually do things like that?"
    I no longer remember the me that I was and I was 40 when it happened. I did some unbelievably amazing things when I was young but it's like it was done by someone else now.
  • cracker
    cracker Member Posts: 324 Pioneering
    I see what you mean. I have ha= a broken back, shattered pelvis and sacrum, many broken ribs, migraines, inability get out of a wheelchair for months.

    Your cancer was awful. I know how those chemo treatments make you feel. And I, too, have flashbacks to the very bad times.

    Thank god we are not there now. Yes, I have changed mentally, too, a great deal - much more fear of repeated pain and worsening illness (mine will continue to get work, my bones are eroding). And my focus is altogether different, mostly concentrated on how to manage with the illness.

    You have all my sympathy for all you have been through.

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