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Sex when in pain

im disabled and suffer chronic pain, i just dont feel like making love but my husband is very needy, this is making me very stressed and making my pain worse as hes always hinting for it 😢


  • poppy123456
    poppy123456 Member Posts: 24,776 Disability Gamechanger

    I'm not sure this is the place to ask this...
  • atlas46
    atlas46 Member Posts: 826 Pioneering
    Hi @poppy123456

    Entirely agree.

    @kitty69 You need to speak to your GP, for guidance and support.

  • debbiedo49
    debbiedo49 Member Posts: 2,904 Disability Gamechanger
    There’s a section for sex and relationships. 
  • PSHEexpert
    PSHEexpert Member Posts: 170 Pioneering
    Hi @kitty69 - you're in the right forum and it's a really important question, as many people suffer with chronic pain and it can have a real impact on your relationship and how you're feeling about things.  Are you under a specialist or anything for your disability?  I wonder whether seeking some more specific support around the sex end of things might be helpful - you might need them to refer you, though.  
    - Gill 
  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,682 Disability Gamechanger
    Our members are welcome to ask questions around sex, relationships and intimacy as it is an important part of many people's lives.

    Of course there are times when we would recommend seeing a medical professional but please feel free to ask questions as @PSHEexpert is fantastic!
    Senior online community officer
  • kitty69
    kitty69 Member Posts: 9 Listener
    Im only under the pain clinic now but they have referred me to another session with a physcologist 
  • kitty69
    kitty69 Member Posts: 9 Listener
    Im new so i apologise if ive offended anyone, sorry 
  • Mauricigirl
    Mauricigirl Member Posts: 2 Listener
    Hi Kitty. I have severe chronic pain with CRPS. Before my injury and diagnosis physical intimacy was very important to my partner and I, so it's been tough dealing with the effects of the pain on our relationship.

    Talking openly with your partner is the best policy. Hopefully you can both have empathy for each others perspective. Our health issues are a part of our relationship now. My partner can get a bit full on at times. Having talked lots about it, he will put more effort into helping me relax, take some of the burden of responsibility like chores and cooking to help lessen pain as much as possible. Trying to maintain affection without the pressure of sex is important. Cuddles & no agenda massages are good.
    Although one thing I have found: orgasms are an amazing form of pain relief. Most meds don't touch my pain, but I've had 100‰ pain relief for a few minutes after one! 😄 It's so easy to get caught up in your pain bubble, so it's really important to engage with things outside of it, which is where our partners are and it must be as lonely for them as it can be for us.
    That's just my tuppence worth, but we are all different. Hope you manage to work it out. 😊
  • kitty69
    kitty69 Member Posts: 9 Listener
    Thank you, its really nice to hear from someone else in that situation, i too was very into it before my condition got worse, my hubby is one of them who believes while hes at work little wifey does everything else at home so thats exhausting too 😢
  • poppy123456
    poppy123456 Member Posts: 24,776 Disability Gamechanger
    Sam_Scope said:
    Our members are welcome to ask questions around sex, relationships and intimacy as it is an important part of many people's lives.

    Of course there are times when we would recommend seeing a medical professional but please feel free to ask questions as @PSHEexpert is fantastic!
    Hi Sam,

    The reason i commented previously was because the question was asked in a totally different section of the forums which was inappropriate. It was then removed to a more appropriate section.
  • TheArrow
    TheArrow Member Posts: 27 Connected
    If you suffer from chronic pain, you could try a hypnotherapist. I know someone from my area who can arrange Skype sessions. He does it as a profession.
  • Zec Richardson
    Zec Richardson Member Posts: 149 Pioneering
    I am the one who suffers chronic pain but my brain still tells me "lets have sex".
    It is a case of adapting and being understanding and it isn't easy.
    If your husband has a high sex drive then maybe he should look into one of the many male sex toys or strokers that are available.
    Now yes I know, yuck and embarrasing! For some reason we are more accepting of sex toys for women, where as mens sex toys are looked upon as disgusting and yes some are a bit WT*!
    We have had to totally rethink our sex life and if you find something that works for you as a couple, well thats okay, if it works and satisfies your needs, it's not wrong!
    I would actually go as far to say that our sex life and intamacy has improved, we have adapted, slowed down and found what works.
    Sex toys are great for people with disabilities, you can find the right shape, size and even some that are easier to hold.
    Don't be embarrassed to talk openly to each other, don't be ashamed to ask questions on forums like this, sex is a natural and loving act and just because we are in pain, disabled, that doesn't mean we cant have a good sex life.
    If you are in pain and the sex is difficult, find the right toy and use that or let your husband gently use that to give you an orgasm ....OH NO HE SAID ORGASM! *shock*
    I am lucky that we can still have sex but I know the day may come as my pain gets worse as does my health when we may have to rethink things again.
    This was the right place for you to post, there is nothing wrong with asking and nothing wrong with discussing it!
  • Jean Eveleigh
    Jean Eveleigh Member Posts: 160 Pioneering
    Hi @kitty69 I have exactly the same issue as you unfortunately I have not found a solution I have been to psycho-sexual counsellors, councillors that specialist in people with medical conditions (cancer, menopause etc.)

    None of them have been able to help me to refind my sex drive I am basically told that with my medical and personal history, age, medication etc. it is no wonder I have lost my sex drive and it is perfectly normal - my partner should just accept it, he doesn't and it causes masses of problems for us.

    I would love to find a solution but I fear it just doesn't exist :-(
  • bendy_bonnie
    bendy_bonnie Member Posts: 15 Connected
    I have this exact problem at the moment and I feel guilty all the time.

    My partner doesn't pester me as such but he mentions it every day even when I've asked him not to for a while. I feel like because of the amount of pain it leaves my pelvis in I have always just had sex to please other people. I am starting to think that my disability has made me become asexual to be honest.

    I have asked my partner to leave in the past because I don't want a physical relationship but he doesn't want to. He claims that it doesn't bother him but if he keeps asking me then it does?

    I'm due to have surgery in my pelvic area soon and I'm hoping that it improves the pain but if it doesn't I don't know what to do. I feel like he feels obliged to stay because he loves me but we want different things from the relationship.


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