New here and I have Asperger's

bluebird555

Hi everyone. I am new here and I have Asperger's Syndrome. I feel as though life has reached it's maximum difficulty for me and with Christmas involved as well I am struggling to not shut down and withdraw. I am sorry for the long post.

I received an eviction letter which expired in November (due to landlord selling, I didn't do anything wrong) and have been assessed by social services as requiring my own cooking/toilet facilities rather than shared due to problems previously in shared accommodation, and I have been awarded a support worker to help me with socialising/tidying/eating/working to take some of the pressure off. They were really nice and for a while I felt more optimistic about the future but now I feel undeserving of help and frustrated that I can not cope in the same way as "normal" people. I feel as though if I can't cope with the world on my own, may be I shouldn't even try. I have tried so hard to do life correctly- get a job, live on my own, not bother anybody- and I am going to end up homeless and jobless. 

I cannot afford to rent privately and the council are doing everything they can to not help. They want me to rent a room privately and have ignored letters from health professionals telling them about my history in private bedrooms. They have also said that I am not priority need for them. I have been added to the general housing register but there is always a lot of people before be in the list.

Because my eviction notice has expired my brain is constantly worried about bailiffs even though I have been promised that there is a process to go through before that happens. I just can't get it out of my head. I have had to take time off work to cope because it's all just too much and so now I am frightened about losing my job as well. I am equally frightened about going on benefits so I feel as though I will end up trapping myself between coping at work and benefits. I am struggling to manage any communication that I cannot predict or control and I cried myself to sleep last night and started again as soon as I woke up.

I have tried to explain to my GP that everything is too intense but because I do not understand the council's decisions I am finding it hard to explain properly. My GP is lovely and I feel as though he would try his best to help if I could just explain better. I have been looking for a new job for over a year because I struggle with my current one but now I am not even sure how to look for a new job because I do not know where I will be living.

I need plans and rules and systems to be able to function and now I feel trapped and scared and do not know how to make life better. Sometimes I really hate Asperger's because of how other people expect me to be able to function. With my interests I can be really clever but social things and communicating with strangers or unknown people is breaking me. My phone now blocks any number that is not already saved as a contact in my phone and I had to stop emails coming on my phone because I can't cope with receiving unscheduled ones from strangers. Every time I go in the streets I feel as though I want to lash out at the crowds and break down and cry. I just do not want to take part in thd world right now. I need a break. I keep making my skin bleed because I am just constantly picking from the anxiety. I have been working with an autism charity and they are extremely kind and want to help but the people who make decisions just do not care. I realise they probably have lots of pressure on them but I wish they could realise how it affects people like  me.

I feel like such a mess and I don't know how to make anybody understand or how I can make anything better. I hate Christmas normally anyway because of all the pressure and expectation and talking and family and changes but I am not sure my brain can even hold it together enough to be in the same room as family right now.

I am sorry if this message does not flow very well and it's a bit jerky. I just wanted to be able to get things out. Thanks for reading.

Firefly123

Hi @bluebird555 sorry to hear your going through so much at the moment please if it all feels to much contact your local crisis team.
I've got 3 young adults on the spectrum so I totally understand how hard it is for you not to be prepared. They all don't like Christmas either as you said all the changes in routines ect.
My son writes down what he wants to say as if not he can't get it out. Maybe something like that might help as you've got all the time you need and no pressure. 

bluebird555

Hi @Firefly123 thank you for your reply. I have been working with a mental health worker from the charity supporting me and she has encouraged me to start writing things down during stressful periods when I notice I have started scratching. I also have a list of feelings to try and help communicate them a bit easier.

I am going to try and do a list of every time a worrying thought or thing happens to show my Doctor so I can ask for help. I am struggling with speaking at the moment so I think writing will definitely be better.

Firefly123

Yes none of my 3 can communicate properly when stressed and get a thousand and 1 thoughts a minute.
I'm glad you are getting some help my  youngest son doesn't speak at the doctors at all as he can't so takes a letter with him explaining why he is there seems you have a good GP so that's maybe be the best way to get all you need said.he does the same at college to get them to understand his needs
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