Your experience of non disabled people asking about your condition
NinaBDarcy
Member Posts: 8 Courageous
Hi, I’m new here and I’d like to ask for your experience regarding the questions non disabled people ask you or your child but I’ll share my experience first 😊
So I was born with Spina Bifida and one of my Sons also has Spina Bifida. We both wear an AFO and I use crutches or a wheelchair when out and about.
I get asked weekly sometimes daily ‘What have you done?” Or ‘What happened to you?’ and I find it so jarring and intrusive.
I bought this up on my instagram account and got lots of other disabled people saying it irked them too but no non disabled people commented. I did however receive DMs and had conversations where I was told things like “People are curious you’ll never stop them asking” “It comes from a good place to show they care”
This was frustrating because I didn’t need to be told that. I understand that the people asking aren’t doing it to be spiteful but it’s still an unwelcome experience and I just wanted that to be heard and taken on board.
For me when I get asked the question I briefly explain my condition then they look awkward and then tell me they’re sorry then I have to be all “You don’t need to be sorry I’ve got a lovely life ta” 🙄
I’ve been asked both when I’m using my crutches and when I’m in my wheelchair. So I’m wondering how common (if at all) this experience is for you?
I explained to one friend who would ask someone who came into her workplace “What have you done?” that instead of asking what they’d done (which only serves to satisfy your own curiosity and doesn’t benefit the person being asked at all) that maybe they could ask something more useful. No one needs to know someone’s condition or the story of how they got there, it doesn’t benefit either of you but asking an employee or customer or friend if there’s anything you can do to make the space more accessible for them would be massively beneficial and show you care way more than trying to extract their entire medical history!
Sorry that was a long waffle 😁Your own experiences on this would be massively appreciated.
Oh and when I asked my five year old son what he could say to people who ask him. His response was “**** off this is my business not yours!” Maybe we should all take a leaf out of his book 😂
Replies
Especially when we are in a restaurant or at a event etc. Recently I took my son and daughter to a local park and someone asked me about his legs. I seize the opportunity to make a difference and educate them about disability. I like to talk about positive things so I don’t focus on my son’s limitations. I explain to whoever is asking the question that we are all different and diversity is a good thing.
Last week 1 asked me WHY I.walk so slow and said i was in EVERY ONES way.
I pointed out that I am a small person.and anyone who cant get passed me must be too big.
I could hear laughter from the nice people.
Down the shops a women bashed into a disabled woman and shouted OW she was swearing at the disabled women so i went over and told her Id seen.that she contrived the whole thing and iv seen that happen many times. And people who pretend a disabled person has caused a car accident. When they hadn't.
Hate crime needs to have a jail sentance
I've also got RA and Sjogrens and other bone problems, and I have two large scars going across my hands where my plastic knuckles are.
People can see these scars clearly so are kept quiet !!
I always welcome questions. It makes my conditions less invisible; enables me to challenge assumptions and maybe actually make friends with people who would otherwise be wary. It’s very easy to make this an us and them thing. In some circumstances that can be useful but just as often we’re cutting off our noses to spite our face. So yes, if that involved giving some of my medical history then bring it on. Not everyone will welcome that and sometimes I will be fatigued by the repetition but by and large bring it on.
Ultimately people ask questions for many reasons but by and large it starts with the fact that they don’t know. They will never know unless we talk. The more we talk the it’s there is to ask. Even if the questions keep coming they will at least be better informed.
Completely different but when my daughter was young she had surgery and was in a body cast, the amount of questions and attention we received was horrible. Although nothing beats the lady that approached and told me there were shelters that could help and I didn’t need to stay with someone violent!!!! 🙄 My poor fiancée didn’t know what to say and we both just stood silent in shock. I know it came from a good place but it was very ignorant and really rude!
Thanks @NinaBDarcy for this question, I think it’s really important and has definitely made me realise my own ignorance too. Xx
I know this isn’t the case all the time, sometimes maybe that will lead to them sharing something about themselves but that’s never happened to me yet!
I talk a lot lot about my SB on social media and am more than happy to share and educate its more the strangers that ask that I find awkward.
I posted here to see if anyone felt similar knowing this is my experience and not everyone would share it.
Thank you for sharing your view point
I prefer people to go away with an actual answer rather than assumptions, this is especially relevent with children I feel because I hope that education them early will lead to more understanding and tolerence.
Why does knowing details of our condition help erase ableism? Surely it would be of more benefit to ask us what our needs are?
I’m sorry you had to deal with that and glad for lovely supermarket workers.
It is disheartening to be asked over and over what is wrong with me but I would rather inform people so they can bring up their kids to be informed of a disability rather than guess and make inadequate assumptions.
l have been disabled for over forty years....progressing from a limp to a stick, then two sticks then a permanent wheelchair
I am so lucky to live in an area where there are a lot of disabled children and adults with varying degrees of disability, be them hidden, mental or physical.
not to give the guy at the museum any credit in his behaviour but you do hear of so many people abusing the system that some jump to conclusions. It's down to educatIng everyone as even disabled people can misunderstand unseen disabilities.
I think until all disabled persons are issued with a visual disability item permanently displayed to prove they are disabled then we will always be subjected to enquiries.
It could ward off unwanted attention and remarks!
@NinaBDarcy Agreed, the number of people who assume that wheelchair = lower limb paralysis... It's just weird.
>We don’t ask people from the LGBQT community what their sexual preferences are though do we?
Funnily enough, I've been asked this quite a few times. I'm bi, and people seem to assume that bi people are all massively promiscuous (about the same proportion as gay, straight, etc. people, from what I've seen) and are therefore less deserving of respect (problematic judgement!). I've been asked if i sleep with men and women equally, how many bf vs gf I've had, if I have a lot of 3somes/orgies, am I a dominatrix/into BDSM/the fetish scene, do I cheat all the time.... It's really odd. I tend to explain that bi people aren't all the same, that on average we don't cheat any more than other people do, and that I'll be happy to answer the rest of their questions if they answer them first.
I have cerebral palsy and a mild form of it I would say, I went to a mainstream school not in the UK though and I was one of a really few with any disabilities.
My first encounter with asking about my disability came from kids at school, they would ask: "oh why do you walk this way? did you break your leg?", I used to get upset when I got asked this question, and my answer would be oh well i was born this way and that would just enough. I was little and although i new the exact cause and more ideas about it i thought that was sufficient.
As I grew older the questions kind of started to be more subtle and less frequent, though high school and university I don't remember a single person asking about my disability, I made friends and interacted with so many people. The nice thing was I felt I was treated as just an equal and my disability became not an issue at all.
It was only recently since I started trying to date that disability and questions started coming up again, some of which are very uneducated, assuming I can do no sports for example, or that my kids if I had any will also carry a 'CP' gene. However, I learned to deal with these questions lightly and try to explain that cerebral palsy affects each person uniquely and no it is not genetic. I think if someone asks about your disability they are curious to know you so I use it as an ice breaker now!
I think it is still hard for some non-disabled person who hasn't met you to actually really understand what your disability is like before actually interacting with you on regular basis.