In desperate need of advice!! — Scope | Disability forum
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In desperate need of advice!!

Hi All, please do bare with me with this as it's the very first time I've ever spoken out about this so it's hard to put into words. I'm in a long term marriage over 10years I'm also disabled with various disabilities. Over the years I've not realised that slowly I've been manipulated and separated from every family member and friend I've had. I've got no one in my life anymore and no control or access to money. My benefits are paid into her account.  Anyway it's not as black and white as this I'm constantly being accused of cheating even though I don't and cant really go anywhere without her as it's to much hassle to deal with the arguments afterwards. I'm accused of cheating and sleeping with everyone and due to being sick and feeling very ill I've not had any sex drive for months. I'll be honest we havnt had sex for 7 months now and I feel so bad about it I'm going through the menopause even though I'm young battling my mental health brain tumour Addison's disease amongst others and the horrible sly digs and gaslighting I'm getting off her I'm not in the mood for sex frankly but she flipped her lid last night and screamed all over the street when the neighbour's where out 'no wonder you dont sleep with me' I had to threaten her with the police as she is very aggressive when shes angry. I've literally got no one to talk to, nothing. Shes constantly going on to me saying how bad it is that shes having to go through not having sex for this long and I'm not thinking about her. Am I in the wrong? Is she in the right? I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the waffling, 👍💖💖

Comments

  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,390 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @celticwitch85   Pleased to meet you welcome.

    Thank you for joining and sharing. Sorry to hear what you are going through.

    I am one of the team of community champions. We guide , advise and help members of our community who have joined the forum.

    I am sure there are members of our community who have some answers to give you.

    All I know my own personal view is that if you feel not safe and it is causing your some harm mentally and well as possibly physically then you need to evaluate the relationship.

    No one should feel used and abused in a relationship no matter how much you may love that person.

    Always turn it around. If I had the problems you have what would you be saying to myself.?

    Something to think about.

    Hope that helps.

    Take care.

    @thespiceman

     


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  • celticwitch85
    celticwitch85 Member Posts: 5 Listener
    @thespiceman hi thanks for taking the time to reply I appreciate it 💖.  If I'm honest with you I'm far from perfect but I know when I've done wrong and even when I try to open up its thrown in my face a few days after everything is some how turned around back to me no matter what it is I'm always the one left feeling guilty and apologising.  Anyway thank you x
  • Ails
    Ails Member Posts: 2,256 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @celticwitch85 and welcome to the Community.  Thank you for sharing your experiences with us as I know this must have been very hard to write about.  I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through and have no hard and fast answers myself.  Just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you, as everyone will be in this forum as we are all here to support and listen to you.  You have been given very good advice from the @thespiceman.  Please look after yourself as nobody should feel unsafe or abused in a relationship.  Is there anyone else you can speak to about what is going on?  Even your GP?  Please keep in touch and let us know how you are getting on.  All the best.  
    Winner of the Scope New Volunteer Award 2019.   :)
  • kami24
    kami24 Member Posts: 402 Pioneering
    Going to the cab could help or ring them and tell them some of this or your social worker if you have or need one. I have had my own issues in relationships and have some mental issues myself so i know where you are coming from. You can feel totally helpless sometimes especially if you are depending on people  you live with. Which area do you live within as help sevices or possible help varies from county to county.? 
  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 8,076

    Scope community team

    Hello @celticwitch85, please don't apologise, you certainly weren't waffling! Thank you so much for sharing this with us, I can imagine it wasn't easy.
     Am I in the wrong? Is she in the right? I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the waffling, 👍💖💖
    The fact you've reached out makes me think you already know the answer to this. No one should ever feel pressured or manipulated in the way you have described. 
    We're always willing to listen and talk to you about what's going on, but I think it's also important you get some expert support and advice in this area. 
    Galop may be of use to you: http://www.galop.org.uk/
    And The Gov site has some information on how to get help with domestic abuse and how to report it
    If you ever feel in immediate risk, please don't hesitate to call 999 and ask for the police.

    Do you have your own bank account? Do you feel like you could start getting your benefits paid to you again to give you back some independence? 
    Community Manager
    Scope

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  • April2018mom
    April2018mom Posts: 2,869 Member
    Hello and welcome to the community!

    What you are experiencing is abuse please report it. Which areado you live in? Seek help for her too. Keep us updated. Sounds like you need to leave immediately. Pack your belongings.
    Can you ask a DV shelter for help or not? Do you have your own bank account? What about benefits? 
  • steve51
    steve51 Member Posts: 7,154 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @celticwitch85

    Good Morning it's great to meet you today 🌝 

    I am "very very sorry" to hear about your current situation!!

    You have had some "great/good information" from a number of our members which I do hope that you have found it very useful???

    Please please let me know if you still require anymore "Help or Support"

    @steve51
  • LindaButler1970
    LindaButler1970 Member Posts: 40 Courageous
    Welcome, it takes huge courage to let off steam. Think about what you want to achieve and take small steps, like talking to each other about your struggles and concerns, not all at once but in slow steps. speak to your local CAB to see if free counselling is available for both of you, or RELATE.
  • Connie00
    Connie00 Member Posts: 252 Pioneering

    hello @celticwitch85

    My Name is Connie00   :)

     

    I am one off the community Champion’s here at Scope.  it’s really nice to meet you.

    A very warm welcome to the Community.

    I trust you are having a good day today

    Here at scope we welcome people from all walks of life, 

    please feel free to have a look around our online community, and join in, we welcome new blood and would welcome your opinion.  

    As for your fear, only you can sort that out, yes there is help yes there is support for you, and it will take every bit of strength you have, when you have conditions, this can be very exhausting, you have been given very good advice on here, take what you want from it, and leave what you don’t. as for not having control over your own benefits and Monies that’s just wrong, Is this person your Carer?

    if we can be of any assistance to you please don’t hesitate to contact us,

    Enjoy the rest of your day

    Regards @connie00 :)

  • GeorgieOg
    GeorgieOg Member Posts: 3 Listener
    Hello
    I am so sorry that you are going through this situation, as a former Domestic Abuse advocate I would suggest you contact your local domestic abuse agency, they can help you so much, many have rooms that are suitable for disabled, they really do help and advise every step of the way, whether it is financial, psychological or practical. No one should have to endure abuse. My heart goes out to you. If I can advise further please pm me.x
    Regards Gorgie

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