Psychologically & Physically Broken
I am 38 yrs old and I am writing this as a novice virgin, filled with apprehension and trepidation that increases with every letter! To avoid that scenario and a chance to get some sleep I’ll try to be brief and succinct! Which is difficult when War and Peace is more your style. Anyway that’s an example of me, trying to joke and be flippant about serious issues! On a serious note though, life has never been kind to me. My mother had me at 19 after a quick fumble and hadn’t got a maternal bone in her body! Husband 1, who up until I was 14 believed was my Dad was in the RAF. Between Guterslow, Berlin, High Wycombe, Ruislip and Maastricht there was no stability and domestic abuse, physical abuse towards me.
At 10 my Mums next husband was Australian. So Singapore, Hong Kong and Oz were next. That marriage didn’t last, but we carried on living in Oz. At 12 I flew with my 9yr old brother alone back to the Uk for a visit. Within a year my Mum tried to send us back to RAF husband 1. No room for me, my brother flew back alone at 10 yrs old. At 14 she sent me via a 6 hr stopover in Hong Kong to her family on a 1 way ticket. Was jostled around, found out I wasn’t my Dads child biologically that’s why I bullied me, ended up in care but got to uni. Didn’t see my Mum till 21. 3 yrs ago I had a perforated ulcer! I’ve since had over 20 admissions to hospital, 2 yrs ago I was ref to Royal Liverpool, I spent 7 months not allowed to eat and was fed through a tube in my nose and into my bowel! Last ur the tube dislodged, after 40 mins trying to re position it a consultant yanked the tube out without disconnecting it prop and snapped my septum, plus broke my nose.
I then had to be fed by tubes in my feet, all my veins collapsed so had tube in my neck called central lines, pic lines which got contaminated and I contracted Sepsis and almost died. After 3 weeks I was transported to Royal Liverpool where I had a 10 hour op removing some of my stomach and upper abdominal re wall. I spent 6 weeks in there, my Grandparents visited once the rest of the time I was alone. When I came out, after 2 weeks I got a gall bladder infection so I spent 2 weeks in again on antibiotics then had another op to remove it, which they did by going through my ribs. That was supposed to be it. It’s not, my op had a 98% rate of success! I’m the 2 %and it’s failed.
I have all sorts of issues, all the ulcers n my stomach are back, I spent month travelling to Royal Liverpool almost weekly, I can’t eat again, I vomit everyday, I have chronic pain! I’m waiting to have another Op which will take 12 hrs to do removing what stomach that’s left as well as taking out and putting back all the mesh they put and extending a tube. I may end up fed by tube for life, I’ll need treatment every 3 months. I can’t work, my daughter who’s Dad I separated from when she was 2 has had to move in with him and his wife and her 2 sisters! Thank God she had such a good Father and family what would I do if not! I’ve been a single Mum, living with my daughter for 10 yrs with only my Grandparents for support who worked abroad for 7 yrs.
I worked very hard in care and assisted living but still worked hard for my degree in Politics and Philosophy. All without any support. Things got hard, and things I’ve gone through started to surface, despite my job and everything I had a painkiller addiction at 1 time and I drank to much but it never prevented me fr working and being a good Mim. For the last year and a bit I have been living with my Grandparents, I spend most days alone in my room, I’m having severe panic attacks, for 4 days in a row I am having attacks so severe that I can’t breathe and legs turn to jelly. I’ve collapsed a few times 1 was through the shower door! It’s the most horrendous experience of my life!
I have got to the point where I want to die!! I keep feeling cheated because the Sepsis and the op brought me very close to death and didn’t die. I even had blood clots in my arm and neck, and that didn’t either! [edited by moderator] I don’t romanticise suicide or use it as a tool to get attention by creating that fear to the people who care! I’ve never self harmed or attempted suicide or talked about doing that! If I did it , I would do it quietly without anyone knowing and in a way with no chance of failure! I’ve not had a relationship or been intimate for so long, my confidence is shot from all the scars and I’m locked in this cycle and this bedroom day after day, suffering, in chronic pain!! I need someone to help, someone to give me hope, let me hope for an end and a chance to have a good secure life, just the once!!!
