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Psychologically & Physically Broken

Charley81 Community member Posts: 1 Listener
I am 38 yrs old and I am writing this as a novice virgin, filled with apprehension and trepidation that increases with every letter! To avoid that scenario and a chance to get some sleep I’ll try to be brief and succinct! Which is difficult when War and Peace is more your style. Anyway that’s an example of me, trying to joke and be flippant about serious issues! On a serious note though, life has never been kind to me. My mother had me at 19 after a quick fumble and hadn’t got a maternal bone in her body! Husband 1, who up until I was 14 believed was my Dad was in the RAF. Between Guterslow, Berlin, High Wycombe, Ruislip and Maastricht there was no stability and domestic abuse, physical abuse towards me.

At 10 my Mums next husband was Australian. So Singapore, Hong Kong and Oz were next. That marriage  didn’t last, but we carried on living in Oz. At 12 I flew with my 9yr old brother alone back to the Uk for a visit. Within a year my Mum tried to send us back to RAF husband 1. No room for me, my brother flew back alone at 10 yrs old. At 14 she sent me via a 6 hr stopover in Hong Kong to her family on a 1 way ticket. Was jostled around, found out I wasn’t my Dads child biologically that’s why I bullied me, ended up in care but got to uni. Didn’t see my Mum till 21. 3 yrs ago I had a perforated ulcer! I’ve since had over 20 admissions to hospital, 2 yrs ago I was ref to Royal Liverpool, I spent 7 months not allowed to eat and was fed through a tube in my nose and into my bowel! Last ur the tube dislodged, after 40 mins trying to re position it a consultant yanked the tube out without disconnecting it prop and snapped my septum, plus broke my nose.

I then had to be fed by tubes in my feet, all my veins collapsed so had tube in my neck called central lines, pic lines which got contaminated and I contracted Sepsis and almost died. After 3 weeks I was transported to Royal Liverpool where I had a 10 hour op removing some of my stomach and upper abdominal re wall. I spent 6 weeks in there, my Grandparents visited once the rest of the time I was alone. When I came out, after 2 weeks I got a gall bladder infection so I spent 2 weeks in again on antibiotics then had another op to remove it, which they did by going through my ribs. That was supposed to be it. It’s not, my op had a 98% rate of success! I’m the 2 %and it’s failed.

I have all sorts of issues, all the ulcers n my stomach are back, I spent month travelling to Royal Liverpool almost weekly, I can’t eat again, I vomit everyday, I have chronic pain! I’m waiting to have another Op which will take 12 hrs to do removing what stomach that’s left as well as taking out and putting back all the mesh they put and extending a tube. I may end up fed by tube for life, I’ll need treatment every 3 months. I can’t work, my daughter who’s Dad I separated from when she was 2 has had to move in with him and his wife and her 2 sisters! Thank God she had such a good Father and family what would I do if not! I’ve been a single Mum, living with my daughter for 10 yrs with only my Grandparents for support who worked abroad for 7 yrs.

I worked very hard in care and assisted living but still worked hard for my degree in Politics and Philosophy. All without any support. Things got hard, and things I’ve gone through started to surface, despite my job and everything I had a painkiller addiction at 1 time and I drank to much but it never prevented me fr working and being a good Mim. For the last year and a bit I have been living with my Grandparents, I spend most days alone in my room, I’m having severe panic attacks, for 4 days in a row I am having attacks so severe that I can’t breathe and legs turn to jelly. I’ve collapsed a few times 1 was through the shower door! It’s the most horrendous experience of my life!

I have got to the point where I want to die!! I keep feeling cheated because the Sepsis and the op brought me very close to death and didn’t die. I even had blood clots in my arm and neck, and that didn’t either! [edited by moderator] I don’t romanticise suicide or use it as a tool to get attention by creating that fear to the people who care! I’ve never self harmed or attempted suicide or talked about doing that! If I did it , I would do it quietly without anyone knowing and in a way with no chance of failure! I’ve not had a relationship or been intimate for so long, my confidence is shot from all the scars and I’m locked in this cycle and this bedroom day after day, suffering, in chronic pain!! I need someone to help, someone to give me hope, let me hope for an end and a chance to have a good secure life, just the once!!! 


  • Deb_Alumni
    Deb_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 180 Pioneering
    edited August 2019
    Hi @Charley81
    Firstly a warm hello and welcome to our community.  The community here is a strong, caring and supportive one and I sincerely hope that other members throughout the day will find time to comment and support you.

    Your post is sincere and honest and it must have been a difficult post to put together.  We understand the trepidation and nervousness that a post detailing so much emotion and life history must of taken to write.  I have no doubt that you will find some healing and supportive words from others, to hopefully make new friends in our community and I hope we will assist you on the road to finding other ways to express your feelings and know that there are people that care and will listen to you.

    You mention thoughts of suicide, and not as a tool to get attention, however it is so important that you discuss these thoughts with someone who is qualified to help. You may have already called the Samaritans, but in case you haven't you can call them on 116 123 (free) or email them at

    You might also benefit from reading MIND’s information on how you can help yourself:

    If you feel that you may be an immediate danger to yourself, please call 999 or go to your local hospital right away.

    Sorry I had to edit your post slightly in respect of your suggested suicide method, we can't allow this I'm afraid.

    Please take care, and please do continue to post on our community so we can support you.

    Best wishes

    Online Community Manager
  • Ami2301
    Ami2301 Community member Posts: 7,944 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Charley81 and welcome to the community. I admire you for opening up to us as I can imagine it was not easy. I am terribly sorry to hear what you've been through. I completely understand your emotions and frustrations and its OK to feel like that.

    Our bodies can only take on so much before it takes its toll on our mental health, we are human after all. It is important to reach out and talk about how you are feeling. Have you received any emotional support at all?

    We may not know the right thing to say but i promise you that we will listen and be a friend :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • April2018mom
    April2018mom Posts: 2,882 Disability Gamechanger
    Have you seen a therapist? They are trained to work with people with mental health issues. Please call one of these numbers on this page or admit yourself to a MH facility to get treatment. Are you on anti depressant meds or not? I’d talk to the GP about trying some as well. 
  • Chloe_Scope
    Chloe_Scope Posts: 10,586 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Charley81 and a warm welcome to the community, how are you doing today?

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