Advice needed: 16 year old with diagnosed ADHD. His behaviour is causing the family so much

Busynan

Has anyone advice for a 16 year old with diagnosed ADHD. His behaviour is causing the family so much concern?

Today, because his 14 year old brother was asked by their fully paralysed and semi blind mum to ask him to get up at around 1pm. the boy stormed in an absolute rage and pushed the 14 year olds bedroom door off its hinges, breaking the doorframe. 

Since turning 16 last August, he has lost his DLA and also after face to face because he wanted to look after his own finances, he was not awarded PIP because he could find his way to college and cook a simple meal.

I am their grandmother who does all my daughter's phone calls, as she has short term memory loss after her major stroke, all the family's correspondence including arranging hospital appointments and am 3rd party on her bank accounts and her DWP Appointee. There also an adopted (family member) 7 year old girl with hypermobility and presently going through the Early Help Assessment with suspected Autism, who also has behavioural problems.

I am unable due to mine and my husbands ill health to look after the family's physucal needs.

This 16 year old gets no help from anyone and if offered any help refuses it.

My daughter has recently moved into a council house adapted for her but fears because of his behaviour that neughbours will complain and they could be kicked out.

How can we stop him ruining the family further?

Apparently he is too old for children's services but no one has even realised he needs a Social Worker - I have tried all avenues and am turning to Scope people for help in desperation with my daughter's family situation. They seriously need help.

newborn

Im horrified.  You need a lot of help.   What a lovely lady you are.  I do hope that  you get the assistance you all need. (Including the 14 year old. You and he are doing so much. )   you are in the right place.  People  on this  site are sure to have  good ideas.  All good luck and best wishes. 

April2018mom

Hello!
Give your local council a call. Ask politely for a social worker. Have you contacted your local crisis team or not? Get a needs assessment done as well. That will tell you much more about him. Try telling him it is either that or a poorly run care home for him. Does he go to a special needs school? 
But since he is nearly a adult, ask him to decide.  Explain the pros and cons of both options in a way he will understand too. Is he at college? 
Use paper if need be. Make a list of good things about external assistance in green and bad things in red. Then do the same for care homes. Is he on benefits or not? Have you applied for PIP yet? It might be time to do so. Explain kindly why having a carer who fully understands is a good idea. Just be sure to use a reputable care company (I do not recommend CountyCare as I have had bad experiences with one particular member of their staff). 
Also telephone NAS for further advice and information. Visit this link for more details. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/ 
Ask him what does he want? Let him take charge of his life but be on hand to offer reassurance. Say you do still love him but you cannot tolerate this anymore. Does he live with you? 

LaughingLolly

@Busynan. I am sorry you have slipped through the net but I think you should try as many avenues as possible. Adults with ADHD can present with a lot of issues in later life and if he did not get the support he needed as a child this can become a burden. It's probably worth stressing to whomever you speak to that the family have reached crisis point and can not cope because he can get help as an adult. Perhaps you could start with his GP initially. It's not about whether he will accept help but the fact your family are no longer willing to support him. It's probably worth separating in your mind the two concepts because there are two issues here that I see 

a) you are no longer willing to support him 
b) he no longer wants your intervention or help. 

Because he has only just stopped beign a minor there is a tendency to still feel you have to protect him and 'help' but it sounds like as he progresses toward adulthood he might be rejecting help because he wants to manage his own condition in his own way. It can be hard to recognise that actually he may be capable of this when he is also creating issues at home. On the other hand, it's important to be clear about the fact that you guys have limits and there are rules for living at home. A 16 year old can choose to live where he wants so he has no obligation to continue living with any family member. This might mean that the accent of the relationship needs to change a little from parental control to supportive friendly guidance with rules. 

All children - disabled or not wiil eventually rebel against parental and extended family control because this is a normal, healthy developmental stage. By laying down the rules but stressing to him that these are just your rules and at the same time showing confidence in his ability to be able to function well I think the balance can be easily addressed over time. 

Sam_Alumni

Hi @Busynan
Welcome to the community, it sounds like you and your family have an awful lot going on!
We have the brilliant @SparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisors here on the community who may be able to offer you some information to help.

SparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisors

In relation to your question above and the very challenging circumstances therein, there are things that can be tried, but in order to assist further, more information is required around some of the circumstances you refer to and to gain more background information in order to signpost to routes that might be most appropriate to go through and given the personal nature of information required in this regard, it would not be appropriate for us to ask you to share this with us through this link.
Therefore please might I suggest that you email Autism Union at [email protected] so that they can get back to you, in order to assist.
The potential for effecting positive change in circumstances you describe are likely there, with the right support and direction for this family, if the background to be shared with Autism Union, indicates these potentials.
Best Wishes 

Busynan

Thanks for your suggestions. I have a telephone appt booked eith his Doctor next Tuesday ad I could not guarantee that he woukd turn up with me for a face to face. And have managed to get temporary morning care for the youngest - so hopefully things may improve soon.

Chloe_Scope

Thank you for updating us @Busynan and I really hope Tuesday goes well!

Busynan

Just managed today through many phone calls to get a Childrens care Duty person who will be seeing the family on Saturday morning! So persistance does pay off.

April2018mom

Busynan said:

Just managed today through many phone calls to get a Childrens care Duty person who will be seeing the family on Saturday morning! So persistance does pay off.

That is good news! 

newborn

Good news. But....
Is there some way for you to make a recording of the meeting?   
However  tactfully it is expressed, there is only a faint relationship between social  care help needed and help  provided

Sharp elbows and aggressive demands and sense of lofty entitlement may have an edge. The meek may not inherit the earth, but may be astonished to  discover a social services assessment report has put words in their  mouths.  They have " firmly stated  they are capable  of managing  very well, and that no assistance is required "!  

They have a strange fetish with commodes and 'perching stools', 

Busynan

Thanks for that. Will do.

April2018mom

Don’t be afraid. Make a recording of the meeting or take notes during it. The most important thing is to be calm and treat him like a adult. Have 4/5 rules for him to follow. Set consequences and follow through on them as well. Good luck and keep us updated! 

Chloe_Scope

I'm so glad you manage to get this sorted @Busynan! How did Saturday go?

Busynan

Both boys were on best behaviour! Think the yiunger one heard the appointment and told the older one. The Duty care worker phoned me later after her visit. Said she would repirt her findings to the Early Help worker - who will be back end of next week!
Lo ad behold Mum phones me an hour later - both boys were in foul moods and the 7 year old was copying them and refusing to even dothe tiniest bit of help for mum.

Chloe_Scope

I'm glad there has been some progress made from the meeting! Oh that's typical! I hope they have been okay today.

newborn

Just  had a good idea, i think.    Somehow by some  way,  could you and your daughter try to get a fly on the wall private cctv record.?   Maybe a college  or organisation could help.    The more i think of it the more it seems potentially useful now and in future as a family album.

Edited  one way, the boys are good. Which is true. They are.  On best days, and with you pedalling flat  out, their heads can stay above water.
But the whole family is under stress, through  nobody's fault, and because they/you all need help which  none of you are getting.

Therefore, strain is showing,  people  are pushed to a breaking point where they  are risking  their health and wellbeing,  because they are unaided  unsupported untrained juvenile/senior/disabled  careworkers,  for one another, as your family film would show when edited another way. 

In future,  you could pull clips to show how kind, thoughtful and helpful each had been.  They may  remember  the bad moods and squalls, forgetting each is quite a treasure at times.

At other times, it would be useful and instructive to have footage of the squalls, to give important information to  people who  need to know, in order  to tailor their help.

Busynan

That seems a good idea. I will make enquiries. Thank you.