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Advice needed: 16 year old with diagnosed ADHD. His behaviour is causing the family so much
Busynan
Member Posts: 13 Connected
Has anyone advice for a 16 year old with diagnosed ADHD. His behaviour is causing the family so much concern?
Today, because his 14 year old brother was asked by their fully paralysed and semi blind mum to ask him to get up at around 1pm. the boy stormed in an absolute rage and pushed the 14 year olds bedroom door off its hinges, breaking the doorframe.
Since turning 16 last August, he has lost his DLA and also after face to face because he wanted to look after his own finances, he was not awarded PIP because he could find his way to college and cook a simple meal.
I am their grandmother who does all my daughter's phone calls, as she has short term memory loss after her major stroke, all the family's correspondence including arranging hospital appointments and am 3rd party on her bank accounts and her DWP Appointee. There also an adopted (family member) 7 year old girl with hypermobility and presently going through the Early Help Assessment with suspected Autism, who also has behavioural problems.
I am unable due to mine and my husbands ill health to look after the family's physucal needs.
This 16 year old gets no help from anyone and if offered any help refuses it.
My daughter has recently moved into a council house adapted for her but fears because of his behaviour that neughbours will complain and they could be kicked out.
How can we stop him ruining the family further?
Apparently he is too old for children's services but no one has even realised he needs a Social Worker - I have tried all avenues and am turning to Scope people for help in desperation with my daughter's family situation. They seriously need help.
Today, because his 14 year old brother was asked by their fully paralysed and semi blind mum to ask him to get up at around 1pm. the boy stormed in an absolute rage and pushed the 14 year olds bedroom door off its hinges, breaking the doorframe.
Since turning 16 last August, he has lost his DLA and also after face to face because he wanted to look after his own finances, he was not awarded PIP because he could find his way to college and cook a simple meal.
I am their grandmother who does all my daughter's phone calls, as she has short term memory loss after her major stroke, all the family's correspondence including arranging hospital appointments and am 3rd party on her bank accounts and her DWP Appointee. There also an adopted (family member) 7 year old girl with hypermobility and presently going through the Early Help Assessment with suspected Autism, who also has behavioural problems.
I am unable due to mine and my husbands ill health to look after the family's physucal needs.
This 16 year old gets no help from anyone and if offered any help refuses it.
My daughter has recently moved into a council house adapted for her but fears because of his behaviour that neughbours will complain and they could be kicked out.
How can we stop him ruining the family further?
Apparently he is too old for children's services but no one has even realised he needs a Social Worker - I have tried all avenues and am turning to Scope people for help in desperation with my daughter's family situation. They seriously need help.
Replies
Give your local council a call. Ask politely for a social worker. Have you contacted your local crisis team or not? Get a needs assessment done as well. That will tell you much more about him. Try telling him it is either that or a poorly run care home for him. Does he go to a special needs school?
But since he is nearly a adult, ask him to decide. Explain the pros and cons of both options in a way he will understand too. Is he at college?
Use paper if need be. Make a list of good things about external assistance in green and bad things in red. Then do the same for care homes. Is he on benefits or not? Have you applied for PIP yet? It might be time to do so. Explain kindly why having a carer who fully understands is a good idea. Just be sure to use a reputable care company (I do not recommend CountyCare as I have had bad experiences with one particular member of their staff).
Also telephone NAS for further advice and information. Visit this link for more details. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/
Ask him what does he want? Let him take charge of his life but be on hand to offer reassurance. Say you do still love him but you cannot tolerate this anymore. Does he live with you?
a) you are no longer willing to support him
b) he no longer wants your intervention or help.
Because he has only just stopped beign a minor there is a tendency to still feel you have to protect him and 'help' but it sounds like as he progresses toward adulthood he might be rejecting help because he wants to manage his own condition in his own way. It can be hard to recognise that actually he may be capable of this when he is also creating issues at home. On the other hand, it's important to be clear about the fact that you guys have limits and there are rules for living at home. A 16 year old can choose to live where he wants so he has no obligation to continue living with any family member. This might mean that the accent of the relationship needs to change a little from parental control to supportive friendly guidance with rules.
All children - disabled or not wiil eventually rebel against parental and extended family control because this is a normal, healthy developmental stage. By laying down the rules but stressing to him that these are just your rules and at the same time showing confidence in his ability to be able to function well I think the balance can be easily addressed over time.
Welcome to the community, it sounds like you and your family have an awful lot going on!
We have the brilliant @SparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisors here on the community who may be able to offer you some information to help.
Senior online community officer
Therefore please might I suggest that you email Autism Union at [email protected] so that they can get back to you, in order to assist.
The potential for effecting positive change in circumstances you describe are likely there, with the right support and direction for this family, if the background to be shared with Autism Union, indicates these potentials.
Best Wishes
Scope
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Is there some way for you to make a recording of the meeting?
However tactfully it is expressed, there is only a faint relationship between social care help needed and help provided
Sharp elbows and aggressive demands and sense of lofty entitlement may have an edge. The meek may not inherit the earth, but may be astonished to discover a social services assessment report has put words in their mouths. They have " firmly stated they are capable of managing very well, and that no assistance is required "!
They have a strange fetish with commodes and 'perching stools',
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Lo ad behold Mum phones me an hour later - both boys were in foul moods and the 7 year old was copying them and refusing to even dothe tiniest bit of help for mum.
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Edited one way, the boys are good. Which is true. They are. On best days, and with you pedalling flat out, their heads can stay above water.
But the whole family is under stress, through nobody's fault, and because they/you all need help which none of you are getting.
Therefore, strain is showing, people are pushed to a breaking point where they are risking their health and wellbeing, because they are unaided unsupported untrained juvenile/senior/disabled careworkers, for one another, as your family film would show when edited another way.
In future, you could pull clips to show how kind, thoughtful and helpful each had been. They may remember the bad moods and squalls, forgetting each is quite a treasure at times.
At other times, it would be useful and instructive to have footage of the squalls, to give important information to people who need to know, in order to tailor their help.