Need it all to stop

shadow66

I’m so tired, physically and mentally. The last 4 years I’ve been going at 100 miles an hour, until early this year when I went from 100 straight to 0.  Now I can’t imagine the life I was living before. I don’t know how I did it. Adrenalin and sheer willpower I suppose. Now there is nothing left.

Trying meds (anti-depressants & painkillers); counselling; on waiting list to restart EMDR; regular contact with CPN; not so regular contact with Neurologist…. But none of it is helping.  Really wanting everything to stop and just shut down. 

 

Adrian_Scope

Hello @shadow66. It sounds like you're struggling at the moment and I'm really sorry to read that. I imagine you're feeling quite burnt out if you've been running on adrenaline and willpower for so long? I can definitely relate to that. 

It's good you're being supported by a CPN and having counselling, have you told them you don't feel like it is helping? Have they given you a timescale for EMDR to restart? Did you feel that worked better for you?

I'm a little concerned about how you're feeling and wondered if you'd consider giving Samaritans (116 123) a call? I know some people can be reluctant, but they can also be really good to talk to when you're feeling very low, in crisis or just need to talk to someone. If you ever do feel like you're in danger, you should of course give 999 a call or go to your local hospital.

I'm really glad you felt able to share with us how you're feeling and I hope some of our others members will also be along to show you support and talk with you. 

shadow66

Thank you @Adrian_Scope for your reply.
Did this post get moved? I don't remember posting in Coffee Lounge....but maybe I did, my head is all over the place at the moment.

Birdsnbees

@shadow66 would it be worth you looking at having some time away to reassess? I've never applied myself I know there are grants for holidays for the disabled. talking to the professionals due to help you as Adrian has suggested sounds good. Maybe a break and a holiday will help. If you can't get far, go sit on a hill or near a castle for a while or go somewhere different for the day when you can. It may help change your perspective

shadow66

Thank you @Adrian_Scope & @birdsnbees for your replies.

The EMDR will recommence once the Psychologist has a slot free, but she is concerned that I need to be in a stable enough place first because she doesn't want the work to put me in an even darker place and at risk. I've told her it doesn't matter, that I couldn't feel any worse than I do now, but I appreciate she has a duty of care.

shadow66

Rhetorical question: why is it so much easier to give advice to others but harder to apply it to oneself?

I have the crisis line numbers; I know I can present at A&E if at risk; I have one friend irl I can ask for help from. 

Yet last night when I needed to, I couldn't do any of the above.

Now it's daytime and more places/helplines are open - and I still won't be able to reach out. Things always seem worse at night. In the cold light of day I convince myself that things are not really that bad, that I'd be wasting people's time, that I don't deserve their support. So I retreat inwards again. 

Tonight, rinse, repeat...

Adrian_Scope

Hi @shadow66. I know this was rhetorical but I had to reply to let you know you're not alone in feeling this way. I can understand the worry about wasting people's time, it's something I resonate with and often feel myself. Or there's the concern that I'm not "that bad" or there are people out there who are more deserving of support. Having felt those things myself I don't think there is anything I can say here that is going to convince you otherwise. 

However, I do want to point out that no one is worth more than anyone else. Deep down if you do keep coming back to this place of feeling like you need to reach out, you probably do need that support and the fact there is a part of you telling you otherwise is actually probably more reason to reach out for it. 

shadow66

Thank you @adrian_scope for your reply. 

.... 

I'm too exhausted to even feel suicidal, which I suppose isn't a bad thing - "Yes it is, fight it!" - the shadow of darkness that follows me around whispers in my ear. 

Too exhausted to kill myself but not too exhausted to still have the thoughts. I wish there was something that could turn them off. The monkey-chatter is relentless.

Guts ache (which I put down to the painkillers I'm taking). 

Hearing her voice in my head, or thinking I hear my name when I'm alone out in public places. 

Weird dreams mixed up with memories, snatches of conversation, unsure which was reality and which imagined.

Can only assume it's the pills that are having this effect. Either that or I'm losing my marbles.

I wish I had an off switch. 

Adrian_Scope

Hi @shadow66.
Did you manage to get much sleep at all last night? By the sounds of it, you're really struggling at the moment and I think it might be a good idea to talk to your GP or your CPN about how you're feeling.

I know earlier in this thread I've signposted you towards Samaritans, but I understand that sometimes you might need something broader. While as a pan-disability charity it's pretty fair to say that our strength lies more in the daily lives of disabled people than mental health, we really do want to help you, so if it's something you think might help, we would be willing to find you some additional support. If you think you might like to explore that, or just want some more info, please get in touch with me via email at [email protected]

shadow66

Thank you @Adrian_Scope for your response. I have emailed you separately.
I am seeing my CPN next week, am on a waiting list through CMHT for resuming EMDR therapy. Local counselling services all have ridiculously long waiting lists or have closed their lists altogether. However if you can come up with something I haven't thought of, I am open to suggestions as to where to source additional support from.