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Help/advice needed please

Hi All


This is my first post here, and I’m feeling a bit helpless as the moment and I was looking for some support and advice.


I first became aware of AS following the breakdown of my marriage about 8 years ago. I was unable to cope and express myself within the relationship, and it fell apart. At the end my ex-wife said I must be autistic or something because there was clearly something wrong with me! Following that comment I did look into it and found out about Asperger’s syndrome. It was a eureka moment for me, and I could relate to everything I read I about it, and it made me feel so happy that I finally knew what was “wrong” with me.


I spoke to my mum about it, and got her to read up about it. She completely dismissed it and said that I didn’t have it and there was nothing wrong with me. She did however say it sounds like something my father had though, but that I didn’t. I went for a formal diagnosis through the NHS, but after testing, they didn’t give me one. This was mainly due to my mother’s witness statement/testimony about me as a child (which from my point of view was completely inaccurate!), and also the fact that I was “too self-aware” about the condition i.e. the fact I had researched it and referred myself, meant I couldn’t have it!


I was devastated, having come to accept that this was something I experienced, I sought a formal diagnosis to be able to “prove” to people why I was the way I am. I should have stuck to my self-diagnosis! My mother had a very “told you so” attitude which just made things worse. I decided to accept the diagnosis and try and continue with my life as best as I could, with no real explanation for my thoughts and behaviour. I still believe to this day that I have some sort of AS related issue (PDD-NOS?), but it’s hard to accept that I have not had that confirmed by medical professionals when I’m 100% convinced!


I have always used alcohol as a way of coping with my life, something that apparently is very prevalent in people with AS (my dad was an alcoholic and drug user, so maybe my mum was right about him!). In my next relationship, and following the birth of our child, I suffered from post-natal depression, and my drinking spiralled out of control, and ultimately led to the breakdown of that relationship about 18 months ago. Following another bout of depression recently, I have been put on anti-depressants and feel a lot better about myself, but again my drinking has got out of hand, and I’m seeking help with that.


My current relationship is once again breaking down. I have tried explaining to my partner about AS but she doesn’t accept my self-diagnosis. She just says you don’t know you have that, and she can’t see how my behaviour mirrors that of someone with AS. I am reading a book at the moment about AS and alcohol as a way of coping, it’s incredible, I feel like I wrote it and I can relate to everything in it. I have asked my partner to read certain parts of it but she isn’t interested. I don’t know what to do now. I can’t say why I won’t go for a formal diagnosis (because I already tried that) as I’ll just get “I told you so” again, and I can’t deal with that, but without that I can’t convince her there is anything wrong. If only I could get her to read the book she would instantly recognise me and relate to those issues. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t understand me, or doesn’t want to try to understand me, and so it feels like yet another relationship is going down the drain.

I just don’t know what to do. Could the diagnosis of no AS be wrong? Could it be something else? Should I just stick to dating people who also have AS, as at least they would understand me? How would I even go about doing that?

If anyone has any advice or experience of a situation like this it would be great to hear from you.



  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Member Posts: 6,390 Disability Gamechanger
    edited November 2019
    Hello @BristolBloke   Pleased to meet you . Welcome.

    Thank you for joining and sharing.

    I am one of the team of community champions we advise, help members who are part our community.

    Please may I ask have you spoken to your GP.  ?  Your concerns.

    We are not medical professionals but I would like to say have you ever contacted the organisation that deals with Asperger's or Autism

    National Autistic Society.

    Helpline 020 7833 2299.

    Please can I add well done to you for getting help and on the road to recovery. Getting help and support with your alcoholism is a major step in recovery.

    I am an alcoholic myself have a long addiction history. Please if you wish to know any thing.

    Clean now twelve years.

    Need a friend some to listen to be happy to be supportive any time you wish to.

    Your not alone.  Please have a look around our website . Plenty of information, support and new friends.

    I have included the links to AA.

    Might be useful and something to consider, to think about.  Additional support and guidance.

    0800 9177 650

    Please if I can help further please ask.

    Please take care.


    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • Chloe_Scope
    Chloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,566 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @BristolBloke, and a very warm welcome to the community!

    It sounds like things have been really difficult and confusing. I know you said you weren't given a diagnosis, but you are entitled to a second opinion if you believe it fits you.

    I hope the information that @thespiceman has very kindly provided will be beneficial and please do let us know how you get on. I'm tagging our Autism advisor @SparkleSheffieldAutismAdvisors. :)

  • poppy123456
    poppy123456 Member Posts: 25,645 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi and welcome,

    Those assessments they do for ASD and AS are usually very thorough, having been through it all myself just over 2 years ago with my daughter. She was late being diagnosed with ASD at the age of 17. The whole process took a few months. I was asked many questions too relating back to when she was a baby, through her toddler years right up to the present day (at the time) It was a difficult process but quite a lot of the questions the answers were stuck in my mind mainly because she was always so "different" to her siblings and i know you can't compare children BUT She couldn't speak a word until she was almost 5, including not being able to read or write until she was 7.

    I do think that when you read too much into things you can begin to think that's what you have and doesn't matter what you do, no one will change your mind. It's a little like someone not having a diagnosis and then when they do have a diagnosis, they always "seem worse"

    You are of course entitled to a 2nd opinion but do be prepared for it to be the same answer as the first time. It's quite possible that you don't have AS and it's something completely different. As we are not medical professionals then we wouldn't be able to advise with that.

    I agree with @Chloe_Scope speak to your GP and see about a 2nd opinion.
  • DAVID55
    DAVID55 Member Posts: 13 Listener
    Sounds just like my breakdown after splitting up from my now ex wife who I had been with since 19 (35 years) 

    I has suspected AS for many years and always knew there was something different about me since the age of 15.

    I went to see my GP with a list of reasons as to why I wanted an assessment and she put me forward for assessment. I was finally diagnosed this year and it totally changed my life!!!

    I totally disagree with the the statement

    "I was “too self-aware” about the condition i.e. the fact I had researched it and referred myself, meant I couldn’t have it!" 

     That sounds exactly like an AS would do. I haven't had issues with alcohol but have been diagnosed with depression in the past. I don't think I was actually suffering with depression looking back but it was rather the difficulty dealing with the Neurotypicals in the world around me.

    Thanks David 

  • Franstrahan
    Franstrahan Member Posts: 898 Pioneering
    Hello @BristolBloke
    I'm ASD and I've used alcohol in the past as a way of coping. That was before I got the diagnosis. I think probably in my early teens when I realized I wasnt like everybody else. I'm 58 now, only got diagnosed this year. Currently suffering from depression and anxiety. You may or may not be glad to know this but you sound ASD to me. Your mum didnt do you any favours by what she said on the forms. And I think - not 100% sure - but I think if your dads on the spectrum even more likely you are. All ASDs have things in common but not two of us are exactly alike. One thing you and i differ on is in relationships. Never had one, dont want one! I'm a pretty solitary creature :-)


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