Help/advice needed please
This is my first post here, and I’m feeling a bit helpless as the moment and I was looking for some support and advice.
I first became aware of AS following the breakdown of my marriage about 8 years ago. I was unable to cope and express myself within the relationship, and it fell apart. At the end my ex-wife said I must be autistic or something because there was clearly something wrong with me! Following that comment I did look into it and found out about Asperger’s syndrome. It was a eureka moment for me, and I could relate to everything I read I about it, and it made me feel so happy that I finally knew what was “wrong” with me.
I spoke to my mum about it, and got her to read up about it. She completely dismissed it and said that I didn’t have it and there was nothing wrong with me. She did however say it sounds like something my father had though, but that I didn’t. I went for a formal diagnosis through the NHS, but after testing, they didn’t give me one. This was mainly due to my mother’s witness statement/testimony about me as a child (which from my point of view was completely inaccurate!), and also the fact that I was “too self-aware” about the condition i.e. the fact I had researched it and referred myself, meant I couldn’t have it!
I was devastated, having come to accept that this was something I experienced, I sought a formal diagnosis to be able to “prove” to people why I was the way I am. I should have stuck to my self-diagnosis! My mother had a very “told you so” attitude which just made things worse. I decided to accept the diagnosis and try and continue with my life as best as I could, with no real explanation for my thoughts and behaviour. I still believe to this day that I have some sort of AS related issue (PDD-NOS?), but it’s hard to accept that I have not had that confirmed by medical professionals when I’m 100% convinced!
I have always used alcohol as a way of coping with my life, something that apparently is very prevalent in people with AS (my dad was an alcoholic and drug user, so maybe my mum was right about him!). In my next relationship, and following the birth of our child, I suffered from post-natal depression, and my drinking spiralled out of control, and ultimately led to the breakdown of that relationship about 18 months ago. Following another bout of depression recently, I have been put on anti-depressants and feel a lot better about myself, but again my drinking has got out of hand, and I’m seeking help with that.
My current relationship is once again breaking down. I have tried explaining to my partner about AS but she doesn’t accept my self-diagnosis. She just says you don’t know you have that, and she can’t see how my behaviour mirrors that of someone with AS. I am reading a book at the moment about AS and alcohol as a way of coping, it’s incredible, I feel like I wrote it and I can relate to everything in it. I have asked my partner to read certain parts of it but she isn’t interested. I don’t know what to do now. I can’t say why I won’t go for a formal diagnosis (because I already tried that) as I’ll just get “I told you so” again, and I can’t deal with that, but without that I can’t convince her there is anything wrong. If only I could get her to read the book she would instantly recognise me and relate to those issues. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t understand me, or doesn’t want to try to understand me, and so it feels like yet another relationship is going down the drain.
I just don’t know what to do. Could the diagnosis of no AS be wrong? Could it be something else? Should I just stick to dating people who also have AS, as at least they would understand me? How would I even go about doing that?
If anyone has any advice or experience of a situation like this it would be great to hear from you.