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My almost 4 year old daughter..... it's a long one....

michelleanngibbs Community member Posts: 2 Listener
edited December 2019 in Families and carers
Where to begin.... I'm a mother to my daughter she will be 4 in january (where has the time gone?) 
So let's start from the beginning... 
I am a single mother and have been back to work after my maternity. I put my daughter into private nursery from the age of 1 till the age of 3 (august this year). They never had any real concerns about my daughter.  Just "normal" age related stuff... 
She has had glue ear and ear infections but is a right trooper and gets through it. Constantly back and forward to the hospital while they monitor it. Positive is it's getting better on it's own ?

So she has been showing her self to be school ready for aaaaagggggeeeesss. So I pulled her from the private nursery to send her to an actual school nursery. She was soooo excited. We went out bought all her uniform and she was extatic. She couldn't wait to put that uniform on and start big girl school ey1... 

3 weeks into term she started becoming a bit aggressive at school. She was pushing her friends and by what the teachers were explaining testing boundaries...... they were concerned about her vacant look as she was doing it... she had no remorse... now let me explain she is not like this at home.. there is no violence or aggression in my home and I make sure of it. She has never had any issues at home... shes always shared with her friends and been lovely and smart and kind. 

Now the aggression at school was getting worse and worse to the point of they couldn't handle my 3 year old and she was barely making an hour in to school before they were calling me up and asking me to take her home. I literly sat in my car and waited for them to call me up because it was pointless me going home or to work (luckily my management team are awesome and understanding)
She was throwing chairs, toys etc at other children. Trying to stab them with pencils. Being disruptive at carpet time to the point where she wasnt allowed to do carpet time and had to sit on a chair away from the other children. All of this with a blank face and no remorse or at times she was not remembering of what she had done. There was no trigger or reason for her to be acting up like this.

I still have not seen it at home.

I was told to get to the drs to the cdc. So I took her home and took her to the drs that day on an emergency appointment. The dr looked at my well behaved child who was reading her book and was like are you joking?

I explained to the dr who called up the school senco team the dr then put us forward for the referral. 

So the same day I called up the health visiting team who put me forward to a nursery nurse. Being a mum I want to help my daughter and help her achieve the most out of life. 

The nursery nurse came to our home and did an assessment at home and couldn't belive how well behaved my child was and had a good old 3 year old style chat with her. She had a second assessment at the school. She couldn't belive how much my daughter was different at school to home... she put us forward to the SEND team and wanted that as a referral too as well as step 2. Step 2 declined us because I have no issues at home... 

It got to a point at school where my daughter threw a chair and it hit another pupil. And I was (yet again) called back to the school to pick up my daughter. I kept her off school the following day and tried to gather my thoughts and keep her in a positive place. The next day was Friday. I dropped my daughter to school and I was told she was only allowed in for half hour as the education board where coming in for 9.45 and my daughter  was too disruptive to keep there. Soooo I pulled her out of the school. It was becoming clear that the school wasnt wanting to help her they wanted her out (I was told I could either take her out out of my own accord or they were going to take the expelling her route but I had already made up my mind that I was taking her out anyway before they stated this to me) 

So I started forging around for new nurserys. I found one with a school that 25% of there children have behaviour issues. And they help the child integrate in to the school and fully support them in what they do. 
I was up front and honest about my daughters behaviour in the old school. I have no reason to lie. And if she needs support then I'm not going to hinder that. 

Soo off we went to buy new uniform and burn my pocket a bit more lol... 

She started the new school and the bad behaviour was immediate. From day one. The new school have already picked up on the learnt negitive behaviour from the previous school. But they include her in what everything. Carpet time she has her own carpet to sit on. So if she feels like she can handle it she can sit with everyone. If she cant handle it she sits on her own little square. She was soooo excited to tell me she sat with everyone and not on a chair.

The new school are dealing with her like a dream she cant get away with her bad behaviour and they are supporting her through her needs. 

I just don't know what to do. I dont get any of this bad behaviour at home. I'm not saying shes perfect she says no to me like any 3 year old. Sometimes shes defiant. But its nothing for me to be concerned about at home.

But in school she is 

At home she is 


I've been told to watch out for it at home. Because it will start at home. 
I'm also being sent on a parenting course which has totally knocked my confidence with being a parent. My friends and family say I'm a really good parent, I'm patient and loving and caring and my kiddo responds well to it all. 
 How can I help her? Everyone at her school environment is telling me there is a possible underlying condition she could have? But I see none of it. If i could see it i could help them but I dont know what underlying problem she could have. 

I know she doesn't like crowds or loud noises but her hearing is only just coming back so the world noises must be a bit of a shock. I have ear defends for her to help with it all and she is petrified of balloons... she doesn't like to touch them look at them etc. Its a phobia. I'm scared of worms and wont touch them. Everyone is scared or something.... 

I dont even know what help or advice I'm asking for but I need something and hoping some one can help me and push me in the right direction..... 


  • April2018mom
    April2018mom Posts: 2,882 Championing
    Have you contacted Ipsea or not? They can help you advocate for her. A therapist may also be able to help you support her. See if you can be referred to one pronto. Ask your GP or request a direct referral. Best of luck! 
  • Namaa_Alumni
    Namaa_Alumni Community member Posts: 34 Connected
    Hi @michelleanngibbs

    I trust you are well this morning, 

    Starting school can be very stressful and challenging for a child.

    Change and moving from an environment they are used to and feel secure in, to an new environment is always stressful and every child handles change differently. 

    Your child's behaviour at school is not a reflection of you as a parent or your parenting skills.

    My nephew's ADHD was completely unnoticed at home, only became visible after he started school. 

    I suggest you get the best diagnosis possible for your daughter's behaviour. 

    We have some good advice on how to get a diagnosis and how to challenge it if you don't agree. 

    Getting child diagnosis 

    Challenging a diagnosis 

    I stress that starting school is a very stressful time for a child, luckily there are ways to help you manage your child's behaviour. 

    Please take a look at our advice on managing challenging behaviour and how to set the environment at home and at school. Our advice talks about challenging behaviour triggers and 

    Managing challenging behaviour 

    We also offer good advice on helping your child with motivation, confidence in school and to feel included

    Helping your child with motivation and confidence at school 

    Help your child make friends and feel more included

    Perhaps it is the school, you can change school and see what happens. 

    Or perhaps school is not the right choice for your 4 year old and you can try home schooling. 

    We offer excellent advice on choosing an education system the best serves your child's needs on our website. 

    Choosing the right school for your disabled child

    Please scroll down to the Homeschooling option. 

    I wish you all the best 

    Take care 

  • Adrian_Scope
    Adrian_Scope Posts: 11,392 Scope online community team
    Hi @michelleanngibbs and welcome to the community. Did the private nursery your daughter was at previously ever report anything similar to this?

    How has the assessment process been left as it stands? We're not medical experts here, so it wouldn't be appropriate to diagnose or advise, but I would really push for further assessments.

    It's great that the new school sounds so supportive. Have they noticed any particular triggers or theorised what the cause might be?
    Community Manager
  • Clarissa1
    Clarissa1 Community member Posts: 34 Contributor
    Hello, your little girl sounds like she is suffering from hearing loss.. I'm a Grandmother now and things I would of thought had changed but as a child I suffered with ear infections having cotton wool in my ears. I used to get confused a lot a school as everyone was muttering so I got angry at home its calm she see's you and can hear you. In crowds its too much, I didn't know I had a problem till 2006 when doing a medical I unaware of any sounds behind me. I wear hearing aids in both ears took a long time adjusting.. Your daughter has very similar symptoms, she is coping the only way she can. I'm surprised the private nursery never picked up her problems.. Suggest asking for a hearing test to rule this out at the GP.  Hope its all sorted soon.. Season Greatings .
  • michelleanngibbs
    michelleanngibbs Community member Posts: 2 Listener
    Hi april2019mom no I havent been in contact with ipsea I'll get on to her health visitor nursery nurse for help in the drs to get the referral.... thank you :)

    Hi namaa scope.... 
    I totally understand it's a big stressful move. Esp because she has left pvt nursery to attend school nursery and that hasnt worked out so ended up in a different school nursery.... 
    On top of that Santa is coming and she knows after santa her birthday follows not long after it's a manic month for my almost 4 year old. But dispite some of her behaviour seeming normal  some is also not a normal behaviour. I actually had/have adhd. And see some of how I felt in her. She is just more RAWWWR and forward about it all... shes very impulsive with it all. I'll check out your getting diagnosed link tho... 

    Hi adrian!!! 
    No nothing was picked up in pvt nursery. I feel they may have let us down. Unfortunately I will never know what happened in her private nursery other than they Just wanted my money.

    The child development centre (cdc) wont assess her until I have been on a parenting course. And tried the new methods at home. So its roughly a 6 month wait. And the SEND team will get involved end of January beginning of February. We are currently waiting on the old school  to transfer all her records over. Once that Is done the assessment in school can happen quicker... :)
    There are few triggers. Its just an outburst. They know it can be children being too close. They know it can be noise but the rest of the time she has no triggers and just flips. 

    Hi Clarissa. She does currently have hearing loss from the glue ear. She can hear her high desibles (I'm sorry for bad spelling I do not know how to spell it. But pronounced des-e-bels) they are beautiful in range but the low ones the deep ones she is no where near in range where she should be with them. Hearing aids will be offered on the next appointment if her ears have not adjusted. Her glue is has cleared up from the last appointment, but hearing loss is still present. They wanted to leave it for another 6 months before making a final decision on how to move forward. (Its in april) 
    Her speech was slightly delayed and was picked up by the dr who I asked to dumb down what she had just said came out with  "she speaks like a deaf person would" 
    We was refused speech therapy as she is too young. But they belive it will all sort its self out.... but what your saying could be the reason why she is being angry.... 
    Thank you Clarissa that's something too look at too :) 

    Thank you.everyone for taking time out to respond! It means a lot! Thank you again and merry Christmas. Xxx
  • Clarissa1
    Clarissa1 Community member Posts: 34 Contributor
    Hi Michelleanngibbs,
    Glad to be of some help, even if it's just another avenue for you to explore. Please keep us updated really hope you find the answer..

    Merry Christmas to you xx
  • Namaa_Alumni
    Namaa_Alumni Community member Posts: 34 Connected
    Hi @michelleanngibbs

    I do hope you find the information useful and please do keep us updated. 

    I wish you and your daughter a very Merry Christmas.

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