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thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
Hello every one sorry just need to get the memories the images away.

Have coping methods might and do use these, up this morning at 3am, all in my head the images the problems the whole thing around Christmas.

I never imagined thought be OK  every year be this pain.

Why and given time will disappear but some days have like now.

All I ever do want is to for  a family like mine to stop hurting each other. My Mother stop the problems, the irritation the annoyance of hurting harming people.

Onward now in my Fifty five years been thirty or more and still get the images.

Knocks on my door thought it was her this morning lock my self in at home those times.

I need to explain and sincerely apologise to those who are not used to hearing, bullying, intimidations, verbal, assaults.

From a member of a family. Should have ben protected instead locked in my room.

Away from the situation.

From young ages need wanted or loved, cared or thought of. Being a sick, ill child spent times.

In hospital and no one came to visit insisted had better thing s to do or other excuses.

Harsh cruel treatment, involved them never turning up ever. Some places.

London and surrounding areas for hospital stays at Christmas. No presents or cards from family or any one. Even when went to London escorted by British Rail she had the excuses got to much too do.

So it went on every time up to my mid teens by then had barred them any way.

Several times arrived from home from Hospital ambulance . Gone away holidays usual times Christmas and Easter has to stay.

With friends,  

By then knew the score. Had enough, plus also one other thing was happening people were being aware. Taking an interest, so many to thank then and so it was.

You do not expect NHS Nurses to offer a lot of time taking me out and then finding the enjoyment of some one who is pleasant and kind.

Worse was when at home. When you live with some one who has something wrong something not right not known or never listen.

Over powering, strong, patronising, making condescending remarks. Inappropriate  suggestions, insinuations .

Not quiet either barking them to the person concerned me hiding shamed, embarrassed and humiliated.

All types of our community and social levels targeted used, abusive.

Something at home obsessed with food, given this time hoarding massive amounts of food stealing, plying and making an massive contributions to the profits supermarkets.

Living with a parent like this scary, frightening, bewildering.

Piles of festering food every Christmas being the mainstay the issues.

Cooked everything three days before slung into the fridge still hot covered with plastic wrap.

How we never died from poisoning or being ill I remember all the time usual me, not well.

Is that something wrong, hated cooking hated Kitchen hated anything we all bought her the Mother from Hell.

Once suggested because got nothing, all of us the gifts returned by her.

Sharp rebuke, awful.

Worse caught her going through piles of gifts ripping off labels. Gifts my friends had need to share their love for me.

Found some in the trash, rubbish broken, had to endure that for a long time.

Gifts meant for me given to others, fighting arguing. Forget it.  All unwanted fine gifts given to them tossed in to a pile. Mine swapped, Mothers visually wrapping a unwanted gift to some one.

One year gave that gift to that person who had sent it. Nothing like two women having a punch up on Vodka and then was worse.

One family member decisions were use car boots, charity shops, save money why buy new.

Got a lot of hassle, arguing, fighting.

Me in hospital one time again, used to be the punch bag all the given family members. Booze a factor.

None of them could take it . Family resent, jealousy. The new partner girlfriend of brothers eyeing me up. One mentioned been married  year . Married the wrong brother because I am different to all of them.

Of course friends disappear. Had this constantly.  Partners, girlfriends boyfriends any one really who came to Lunch made excuses one went to go to Australia looks good from Australia one partner told my Brother. Must say Mother did not like that at all.

He was dumped she moved to Australia and he could fathom out why. 

Then the time me sent outside to garages, sheds or out houses to eat my dinner or Lunch if had any. Missed so many times.

Then this fantasy Christmas for a period, hated cooking so out and off we go back of beyond for Lunch.

Literally Scottish Borders, Northumberland Dales, Yorkshire Dales. I lived in a small village outside one other towns.

This time going out night before. Christmas Eve had drinking which how and why me to drive but had to.

Of course getting up crack of dawn for a over expensive Christmas Lunch. The Noveau   Cuisine Days of the Eighties the cost wow.

The holidays the same to Scotland . We have lovely walks she uttered, what in six foot of snow as we arrived cold, isolated bungalow. Drafts every where no bedding, anything.

Lying, cheating deceiving all of us.

Me next morning hotel and the warm .

Every one expects to have a good time never had one.

Only times away from her and them, all insecurity, fears and running away to invites from former friends.

Only one other the partners of my siblings refused to come any more. 

Got the gist the shock the stunned approach one former partner, girlfriend of my brother arrived on the Red Eye and immediately went back home.

After Mother insulted them and my Brother yet he continued to deny this.

Left her with lots of food, stuff and every thing.

Me am working had the business, this time used to work all Christmas stay away.

Last one was me at a Hotel in London had arrived after a five or six hour journey. All false promises when I arrived in Surrey the home of my sister.

No bed for me sleep on the floor in the kitchen so went found a over priced hotel cost me a fortune.

Cost me so much money had to ask a bank to transfer funds from another  account to cover costs.

London Christmas very expensive.

Alone, lonely starving and isolated went found Salvation Hostel.

Used my time there and St Chads another one place.  Kitchen duties, they never bothered.

I was in my addiction period so they asked or ever knew but felt good helping those like myself.

Found the energy the power to leave and am here now. Used my time to help those understand a traumatic time, used also.

Done a lot of volunteered places. Crisis Christmas Salvation Army much more.

Too much for my mental health sorry have told them, upsetting.

Seeing members of society coming off the streets in droves. Mental ill, disabled, homeless those with addiction and more.

Entire families living in a hostel or a bed sit.

Heart breaking emotive, mentally disturbing. In my opinion every one should do this for small glimpse of the other side of Christmas.

Offer compassion empathy as I do always a prayers to them, in my mind.
That is it really the story just had to explain, I hope those who are friends please do not get emotional.

This is my way of coping, dealing with what I have.

Why am the reasons hate very much Christmas.

Thirty years of hell.

Understand like to thank SCOPE this place need to talk.

Thank you all.


Community Champion
SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.


  • Chloe_Scope
    Chloe_Scope Posts: 10,586 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @thespiceman, I'm glad you have been able to use the community as an outlet and to get things off your chest. I'm sorry to hear about your previous Christmas experiences and that you are reminded of these every year. It cannot make this time of year pleasant. 

    You are extremely strong and the community is always here for you. Thank you for sharing this, you will not be alone with this and I'm sure your post will resonate with others.

  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @Chloe_Scope    Thank you.

    I had to use this space gets to me.

    One of the good things is be here to support others who are the same.

    Always will.

    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • vikingqueen
    vikingqueen Scope Member Posts: 1,454 Disability Gamechanger
    That was then, this is now. To open your heart like that is so very brave, be strong, you can't change the past but you can shape the future. 
  • Waylay
    Waylay Community member, Scope Member Posts: 973 Pioneering

    Your past sounds SO painful. *safe hugs if wanted*

    The situations caused by the Tories' austerity policies remind me of my past too. It's so hard.

    You are so strong, so caring, and so giving. We're here for you, Just as you are for us. 
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    edited December 2019
    Hello  Please can  I thank you .  For answering my post, difficult to write.




    Thank you all your all in my heart .

    Good to know that I can talk and have the love, warmth of friends.

    Kind, understanding and warm words.

    Pleasure to know you.

    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • crazyjan
    crazyjan Community member Posts: 56 Pioneering
    I am an occasional looker on this site but don't post much.  But I wanted to respond to your brave sharing of all your difficulties. My heart goes out to you. Also, thankyou for all your posts . You are always so kind and gentle, so welcoming, so ready and eager to help. You freely give so much of your time. After everything you've gone through, you are one amazing human being. Thankyou.
  • thespiceman
    thespiceman Community member Posts: 6,388 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello  @crazyjan   Thank you for kind words, support.

    I hope any thing I said not distress any make you feel emotional.

    I apologise if I did.

    Talking about experiences.  Memories is always a problem for me and did not want cause any one reading.

    Some issues them selves although I am aware members have had a childhood.

    Could be unpleasant I wish all those who feel the need to talk and be a sense of belonging.

    Know your not alone.

    Please if I can be of any help. Please ask me.

    Please what helps me is there are lot of members with similar issues.

    Happy to listen, be a friend.

    Any tormented childhood upbringing is child abuse and can be detrimental to the wellbeing  mental health the end results.

    Understand have a heart and offer compassion, empathy and my time..

    Thank you for being understanding.

    Please take care.


    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
  • crazyjan
    crazyjan Community member Posts: 56 Pioneering
    No. You did not distress me at all. In fact it was helpful to know that having been so hurt, you are still able to feel empathy for others. I, too, had a grim childhood and need to vent at times. It helps so much to be part of sharing.
    Hey, we are brave, wonderful people.
    Take care.
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