Dating with cerebral palsy

M2C
M2C Community member Posts: 1 Listener
in Cerebral Palsy Network
I’m looking for some advice.

I have diplegic cerebral palsy (I get tired and I can’t walk very far), I work full time, live by myself (with help from my carer when needed) and drive, so I like to think I live a pretty normal life, I also have high functioning Asperger (it’s my super power). The biggest problem I have at the moment is disclosing that I have cerebral palsy when dating. I’m not comfortable meeting girls out in public, so online dating allows me to filter people out, so when I get a match we start catching and everything feels like it going in the right direction, until we arrange to me meet up. Turning up in my wheelchair unannounced would make myself and my date very uncomfortable, so when I do mention it in our messages, they suddenly become silent then I get unmatched (my cp doesn’t effect my ability for physical intimacy). This is having a massive impact on my mental health, all I want is to feel normal. I’m close to the point where I’m considering ending it all.

Thanks in-advance

Comments

  • Stranger32
    Stranger32 Community member Posts: 1 Listener
    Hi there,

    I know it is difficult situation... but try not to get discouraged by some people who did not really get to know you on dating sites. I am sure everybody is experiencing something similar because on dating sites people get to choose among some options/candidates. I have friends who have no disability at all yet they are having similar problems ondating sites. You are a good looking fellow do not get discouraged by some bad experience(s).

    It may be different (maybe) if you are upfront about the wheelchair part? So, it is not a surprise and people would know it does not affect your ability for physical intimacy... I know there are good people out there do not care about the disability of other people but not everybody is like that and I understand that. 

    Reddit, facebook, twitter might be other avenues I may recommend for meeting new people. 


  • Richard_Scope
    Richard_Scope Posts: 3,689 Cerebral Palsy Network
    edited February 2020
    Hi @M2C
    Good to meet you and welcome to the community.

    First off, dating is awkward and tricky for everybody. Knock backs will happen. I have quad CP and use a wheelchair and I have some experience of the pitfalls of relationships. I can only advise from my experience. I have always been honest and upfront about my CP and wheelchair. It's a part of me. Also, I don't think any person would appreciate staring a relationship with me if I deliberately leave out such an important part of my life.
    The majority of dating sites are there just for hook-ups not serious relationships, which is fine if that's what you are looking for. 
    I have met all of my partners in social situations, work, pub, nightclubs, friends of friends etc. Friendships are a good way to foster a more romantic relationship because the person gets time to get to know you. 
    There is no such thing as normal!!

    You are a member of our community and we appreciate you. 

    If you are having thoughts of suicide, it is important that you discuss them with someone who is qualified to help. Please call the Samaritans on 116 123 (free) or email them at jo@samaritans.org. You might also benefit from reading MIND’s information on how you can help yourself. 

     

    Are you safe? You can speak to the Samaritans, they are trained and experienced to support you. 

     

    If you don't feel you can keep yourself safe right now, seek immediate help. 

    • go to any hospital A&E department (sometimes known as the emergency department) 

    • call 999 and ask for an ambulance if you can't get to A&E 

    • ask someone else to contact 999 for you or take you to A&E immediately 

    If you need some support right now, but don't want to go to A&E, here are some other options for you to try: 

    • contact the Samaritans on freephone 116 123, they're open 24 hours and are there to listen 


  • Brightsidebecs
    Brightsidebecs Community member Posts: 86 Empowering
    Hi I’m one of the community champions here. I have Cerebral palsy and need help with most aspects of my life. I have been with my boyfriend who is also disabled 16 years ever since 15 but I have felt like you have many times. 

    As other people have said dating can be tricky with or without a disability. Just be you and the right person won’t care about anything else apart from how wonderful you are! 

    Please follow @r@Richard_Scope advice!  Don’t struggle in silence help is available. If you want to talk informally and confidently I am a trainee counsellor and I’m here to listen, help guide what ever you need. 

    Everybody has been through similar things! You are not alone remember that! 

  • Chloe_Alumni
    Chloe_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 10,510 Championing
    edited February 2020
    Hi @M2C, just wanted to give you a warm welcome to the community. I hope @Richard_Scope's advice is helpful and please do let us know if there is anything else we can do to help.

    Thank you for your support @Brightsidebecs. Please be mindful to not give medical advice as this is not allowed on the community. As a trainee counsellor we appreciate your insight yet you are unable to practice any form of counselling before being qualified. We wouldn't want you to be in any danger or for members to misinterpret your comment and seek your guidance on mental health support. 

  • Brightsidebecs
    Brightsidebecs Community member Posts: 86 Empowering
    hi @Chloe_Scope yes I know I’m sorry I realised this as I pressed send. A bad call of judgement on my part and it will not happen again! 
  • Chloe_Alumni
    Chloe_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 10,510 Championing
    Not a problem, thanks @Brightsidebecs! :)
  • janer1967
    janer1967 Community member Posts: 21,922 Championing
    @Stranger32 Hello and welcome to the community, I too use dating sites and agree it is a difficult and personal choice whether you mention your disability or not, but I feel I have to as you said it would be a bit awkward to turn up in a wheelchair unannounced. I don't mention my disability on my profile but once I get a match and start chatting and feel it may lead somewhere I do disclose my disability. I agree that does put some people off  but if it does it just goes to show they were not the right person for you. I have had some positive experience and met a lovely person online and we had a 4 month relationship, didn't work out in the end but this wasn't anything to do with disability. If online dating is making your feel depressed then why not give it a break for a while !!!! It may be worth joining a chat site rather than dating site . 

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