Confused about my gender... HELP!

Rach_Alex

I have EDS, GP, SSNHL, and a whole host of other issues which basically makes me deaf and well say, disabled although I personally don’t view myself as having a disability as I don’t really know any different. 

I’m 20 in December and since I was about 13/14 I’ve been questioning if I really am a female....
when I was younger I used to love my girl toys and always loved a Ken doll, but not a bat man, I was like a typical child. 

I then developed an imaginary friend when I was about 5 to the age of 9, typical me.... he was a guy called Lad. We literally did EVERYTHING together. 

Now I’m older I kinda feel like this was me showing at a young age without realising that I preferred the idea of being a boy.... because Lad was a boy, he had tea parties but he also went climbing through the brambles. And I did it too.....

I used to often think to myself before going to bed and I usually pictured myself as a boy..... I still don’t know why it was just what seemed natural. Yes, I day dreamed about wearing a big white dress down the wedding isle but I also dreamed of being in the Army, rolling around in the mud with other men. I even used to make up stories in my head and I was the main character.... often than not I’d be a guy!

ive had transgender friends (both ways) and seen their struggles to be accepted... one moved to London and does drag now, and his make up is AMAZING! The other, is an amazingly attractive female, who competes in beauty competitions and has a boyfriend! 

At this moment in time when I think of myself I see my self as a guy.... in a uniform... with a full on tattoo sleeve and some decent muscles, hair gelled back and flat chested!

ive never thought about my private parts down below so I don’t know how I’d feel about something hints like standing up & using the loo, and I don’t think I’d be comfy using a urinal. 

I really don’t know what I am and I’m so confused. I’ve always hated my breasts and never really cared about my down belows. 

I know I defiantly want a breast reduction when I’m older but ideally I’d like them chopped off..... as for children, I don’t know if I’d manage to carry a baby anyway (I have problems with my period. I haven’t had one for over 1/2 a year and the doctors don’t care anyway.... it doesn’t bother me that I’m not ‘typical’. I also dislocated and with the extra weight I don’t think I’d cope. Plus the idea of something living off you for 9 months kinda freaks me out. 

What scares me the most though would be if I am transgender m, going to the GP and admitting it. I’ve been through counselling and everything before and honestly it messed me up more, it dig up the trauma I want to move on from and was awful. 

I’m on medication that is made as an antidepressant but I’m on it for migraines so if it’s blamed on depression it’s gonna be some high functioning depression alright! (I’m on about 3 different meds for other stuff that are actually antidepressants!)

I just don’t know what to do or where to start. 

Any help would be appreciated!

is deaf, disabled and transgender, a thing?

Rach_Alex

Sorry to add but when I was about 10 I started wearing board shorts & hoodies and that was amazing. I felt like the guys and it was acceptable for kid to be wearing clothes like that regardless of gender.....

I’ve put on a lot of weight and obviously gone through puberty as a female but when I think to when I was happy it was before my health got as bad as it is, it’s when there wasn’t a care about gender or sexuality, it’s when I felt apart of the crowd even though social anxiety prevented me from joining in anything! It’s when I was skinny, had no boobs, didn’t know the difference between man and women (I was a naiive, possibly overprotected child) 
I don’t know if I’m holding onto my old life, the freedom I used to have to dress on board shorts and not have to worry about if I’ve shaved my legs....

it’s the small things too.
like shaving my legs, it not only irritates my skin but it feels wrong (when I stopped doing it end of last summer 1) because I was back in jeans and 2) because my legs were basically just scared and bleeding from the shaving cuts not healing)
its things like dyeing my hair to be the colour I’m supposed to be. 

There’s all this telling me I’m male but then part of me is saying yeah but what about the wedding dress, what about wearing a cap and not having a luxiours ponytail flow through the back. 

I’ve been mistaken as a guy before (we have to wear volunteering cuse it’s relating to medical stuff and hold back our hair) and it didn’t upset me, I felt fine. I found it funny too, but when I turned around and saw the disappointment and realisation. It was strange. 

I just feel if I’m a girl and I stay as a girl I need to remove my breasts, and have long hair down to my waist. I keep my tattoos and piercings 

If I choose to live as a guy, I’d love one of the quiffs but messy and kinda long, I’d love to be fit and muscular, with tattoo sleeves and maybe a bit of facial hair....

whichever way I choose though I need to loose weight, get fitter and get rid of my quadrupole chin (it’s driving me mad!!)

Firefly123

You definitely need to speak about how you are feeling. I have a few friends who have had very similar experiences some change some realise it was not actually what they wanted.
We are all different so who ever we are is a thing. 
Your, 20 so your finding out who you are and will find your way. ☺ 

Rach_Alex

How do you know if it’s what you want. That’s why I’m confused. I don’t know how to find out 

Firefly123

https://www.tranzwiki.net/
This gives you a list of support that can help you. Only you know what is right for you. 

Adrian_Scope

Hi @Rach_Alex and welcome.
You've been really honest in these posts and I really wish we could wave a wand and give you some definitive information or help make you feel less confused. But -as you're probably used to being told - it's completely natural to feel confused. There's a lot of information out there, but being disabled and LGBT is definitely a thing, as Regard and DeafLGBTIQA will happily tell you. Mermaids is aimed at slightly younger people but may be a good resource for you, they also have a page dedicated to those over 19.

Do you have anyone close to you that you're able to talk to about this?