When Illness is Getting In The Way

LaughingLolly

Hi,

My husband took on the role of carer shortly after we got married but at the time he lived apart from me and it kind of worked because I believed I was too unwell and suffering with too many triggers to really cope with someone actually at home with me. Things have gone terribly wrong since! 

After eventually moving in with me (his bidding - not mine) I predictably became triggered just as I stated I would and gradually became more and more unwell. Eventually I found ways to detach myself but my husband began to suffer with depression and aggression.

A few weeks ago I started to feel mentally unwell and like I could not hold things together anymore. Yesterday I suddenly lashed out at my husband and asked someone to call the police as I felt I might actually kill him. Today I am wondering how to move forward. These things are evident to me: 

- My husband is too unwell to continue being my carer 
- My husband is currently to unwell to support himself 
- I am gradually getting better by detaching emotionally from him 
- I don't want a replacement carer 
- I may not need a carer at all of the stress of living with him goes 

I don't know where to get my husband the help he needs to move out but I feel he needs to go and heal by himself. He is very blaming of others and I accept that to some degree he can be abusive and so does he. I also know they some of my more functional symptoms are better with our him  I also know they I can and have managed as a single mum before I met him and feel I can and will again. The problem is I got so sick with him here before I realised I needed to detach. 

One I worried I have not got the right help at the right time for either of us and they I am now just seen as a disabled lady who won't be able to cope on her own. I don't want this to result in social services sending in help because  honestly I tie in how sick I've got with basically being married to him 

How can I explain all this, get what I actually need and not what people assume I need and still great distance and space for him? I do t get divorced because my religious beliefs are they you make a bow before God and you work on it. I feel confident that I am going to be fine once I get a break but I don't know what I can legally do to prove I 1) need to be physically apart from him to stay well 2) will be OK on my own come he is gone 

My kids are both over 16 and I've been a single parent with the same illness all their lives. He only difference now is I use a wheelchair to manage my energy. My diagnosis is M.E. But I have some level of functional symptoms which my doctors acknowledged but I asked not to be diagnosed because I felt I could remove the triggers myself and explained the domestic situation was probably at the route. I also suffer with a lot of verbal and physical tics but these also get worse with stress. 

For the last few weeks I've mainly been experiencing increasing levels of peace as I wake up gradually to the idea that there is a solution to all this and it's lying somewhere in a period of separation with possible long term implications. How do I pull this off successfully and follow the growing feeling in my hesrt that I have found the solution and how do I do convince everyone else they this is what I need longer term? My husband is going away next week for a break. I am also looking into some longer term but temporary solutions for him  but would like to somehow get support for the idea that it needs to be long term or permenant?  How do I convey th at a person can fight for wellness and not just ask for help when there is extreme break down? I've lived in women's refuge so I know about break down and I don't want to get that far! 

Lou67

Hi @ LaughingLolly So Sorry your going through such a tuff time, I really hope you can get the help you need and find happiness take care. 

Ails

Hi @LaughingLolly and welcome to the Community.  It's nice to meet you.  I'm very sorry to hear about everything you have been going through with your husband and your health.  Please know that you are amongst new friends here who will support you and listen to you whenever you want to chat to us.  You are not alone.  I can only imagine that this whole situation must be very stressful for you so no wonder your health is suffering.  I can relate to your situation to a point as not long after my husband and I got together I went though surgery to help my disability, but it ended up making me worse and my health deteriorated a lot and my husband became my carer so it was definitely felt in our marriage and put a strain on it somewhat and I think that can happen at times, but there is always no excuse for any type or abuse both physical and emotional and you should always put yourself first and stay safe if your husband is being aggressive towards you.  

Do you receive any support from family or friends?  If not then maybe you could speak to your GP to make him aware of things and how this is affecting your health.  Also it may be a good idea to get Social Services on board too especially if your husband won't be living with you for much longer as you may need support at home.  You are probably already aware of Women's Aid, but I am adding the link to their website anyway in case you want to get in touch with them -

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI-qP_7LzN6QIVT-3tCh0X1AOmEAAYASAAEgLX2_D_BwE

Also I am going to tag in our Scope Team members, @Adrian_Scope and @Chloe_Scope to see if they can offer you some advice also.

Please stay safe and well and please speak to us anytime.  All the best. 

Chloe_Scope

Hi @LaughingLolly, this sounds like a really difficult situation! I'm sorry to hear things have been really challenging and you have had a lot to contend with.

I just wanted to check to see how things are today and if there is anything we can do to help.

LaughingLolly

@Chloe_Scope well I seem to have broken my rib during the outburst so I am in pain physically. My husband has gone away for a bit. He's also reached out for some help for himself. I feel I am suffering triggers from my first marriage where my husband was what you call coercively  controlling. I don't know how or where to get help for this. Or if you even can? The main triggers seem to be silence and sudden sounds. This seems to also relate to my childhood in which there are similar issues. Silence meant something bad was happening. I'm done think my husband feels much compassion for my experience or will do much to help. He even once told me that if I am vulnerable it makes him feel slightly cruel. I don't think my husband is an abuser. I just don't know if I can manage it on top of my own issues. I do know I get some functional symptoms related to severe stress though it's not diagnosed. 

Chloe_Scope

Hi @LaughingLolly, it sounds like it's been scary for you! Did you go to hospital to get your rib checked out? I hope you aren't in too much pain with it.

Do you know where your husband has gone? I'm glad he has reached out, do you feel this will help?

If you wanted to, Victim Support can support people regardless of when abuse occurred.

Get support locally

• Contact your nearest Victim Support team

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Anyone affected by crime in England or Wales can contact us for free, confidential support. If you live in Scotland or Northern Ireland, you can contact Victim Support Scotland or Victim Support NI for help.

Woman's Aid also have resources where you can get support. You deserve to feel safe.

Please do let us know if we can do anything further to help.

LaughingLolly

Thanks