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We want to hear from you: please tell us about your experience of the online community.

Feeling like a victim not a survivor

cupcake88

I’m having a really bad few days so I thought I would post as I see all of you as friends . Some of you know bout my illness and how I became disabled . I was sexually and physically abused by a exe partner years ago I nearly lost my life When he attempted to run his car with me and my dog in it off the road . And Even tho it was many years ago . It replays in brain like it was years ago I was diagnosed with ocd , anxiety , and ptsd lead pychosis. My illness came on slowly till I completely lost my mind and had to be sectioned and then again when I was put under the crisis team home based treatment where I had people come and check on me twice a day then I was referred to the Mental health community Term for long term support .

I have started some therapy to deal with the trauma I have been threw people call me a survivor but I don’t feel like one I wonder when this pain I have will have go . I’m reminded every day of what he did to me whether it’s a flash back , whether it’s when I take my meds and then I’m reminded of why I’m on anti psychotic meds , I live with the constant fear of not feeling safe the panic is unreal . I hate the person iam today . I’m in my early 30s and I have times where my anxiety and ocd gets so bad I hear voices I see things that aren’t there. I feel like this is no life I hate being like this .

i also have to live with the fact that my abuser didn’t face justice for what he did to me as I was too weak to stand in a court and go up against him how ever I did make complaints to the police bout him I also found out he had been reported by two other women In the past under Claire’s law . I wasn’t the first person he treated like this and I won’t be the last .

With lock down I have noticed on tv there have been more domestic abuse awareness adverts on telly I often think bout how my life would of been more of a living hell if I was still in that situation in times like this my heart goes out to people who are in abusive relationships in lock down .

I have been seeing clips online on people who are refusing to close there businesses in lock down and they get like 10 plus police officers then to hand out fines . When I think where are the police when people who are suffering need them the police didn’t help me when I needed them . I feel let down by the police and I feel like had they acted when the other women reported him I wouldn’t of gone threw what I have been threw .

A lot of you who have seen my posts will know I find it very hard to except who iam today . I feel blessed that I do have the most amazing partner today who looks after me and who loves me and who has supported me threw every thing , i have my amazing little dog who has kept me going in my darkest of days . I have a mental health team who want to see me better . But I hate feeling like am I going to get better I just don’t see that happening I constantly replay in my mind every day all day . So when people call be a survivor I think how am I I’m just bout scraping by .

I’m posting this because I find this forum very supporting but also to let others know who are dealing with the Same issues iam your not alone .

I’m so longing to be back to how I used to be or even get to the point where I can get back to work and hold and job down which I can’t do .

I have a phone consol with my psychiatrist next week and I’m dreading it as my nurse has recommended I go back on a anti psychotic that can be given to me in injection the one I’m on now is in a pill form but because I don’t take it like I should she wants me to go on the injection form which is going back wards and it’s got me feeling really down .

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Comments

Wini1960

Hi @cupcake88 I feel for you having been through abuse myself i I understand exactly how you feel right now. The process of healing, forgiveness, wholeness is a long process and you have high and low days. I started having problems serious problems in my teens. My father sexually abused me and my mother emotionally abused me which was so much worse. And kept playing the same record over and over in my mind and the more i focused on it the worst it becomes. I had group therapy, numerous counsellors at which point i thought i was a lost cause. I decided to try in 2019 another counsellor after nearly 29 years of hell and she was brilliant. I started doing what i always did saying i was okay now and stopped the counselling. January 2020 i got really depressed and suicidal so went back to see her and i made up my mind to let it all go one issue at a time. Was it easy hell no. I was so fatigued, drained it hurt so much like peeling an onion. The fact that you can talk about it is the start of your healing. We want to be healed and feel whole and normal, whatever normal is, but we don't want the process because its too painful. You have to face those demons one by one and understand there will be relapses but you can do it. I do wish you well?

Tori_Scope

Hi @cupcake88. Thank you for sharing your experiences so candidly so that others feel a little less alone. As you say, the community are your friends and we're all here to support you and let you get things off your chest without fear of judgement.

Try not to put pressure on yourself to label yourself as a 'survivor' or a 'victim'. Some people who've had similar experiences to you like to call themselves survivors as they find it empowering, but you're not the only one who isn't sure about the label. I found this article online, which might resonate with you? One of the quotes in it is:

'Survivor' paints a misleading picture of victimhood and healing, promoting a super-human response that encourages victims to 'get over' an unspeakable violation

I can't really say whether or not you'll ever 'get over' what you've experienced, but I do think that you can build a new life around your experiences. There's a theory on grief that says grief never completely goes away, but that your life can grow around it. It seems to me as though you might be grieving your old life, or the life you think you could have had, in a way, so perhaps you might be able to relate to this? Have I got the right end of the stick? I've put a little picture below to help demonstrate the theory:

Growing around grief Grief healing Grief therapy Grief counseling

Growing around grief Grief healing Grief therapy Grief counseling

I think that you've already come a long way in building a new life for yourself. As you say, you have a wonderful partner and an amazing pet, plus us lot of course!

I'm sure that the process of recovery can feel hard and endless at times, but I definitely think you're on the right track with the mental health support you're receiving.

I'd suggest that you bring up your concerns about the change in medication to your psychiatrist when you speak to them next week. If you do end up going back on the injection, try not to see it as a step backwards. If anything it's a step forwards, as it'd hopefully help you to continue onwards in your journey.

cupcake88

@Wini1960 thanks so much for sharing your story with me and the forum your incredibly brave . I thank you for your advice and support it means a lot to me . I’m sorry you had to go threw this .

I’m glad that therapy helped you come to terms with what happened to you .

I’ have started my trauma therapy it’s hard opening the door to my demons but keeping the doors shut do nothing but make me worst . I feel like to get better I have forgive him which scares me forgiving some one who inflicted such cruelty on me .

I still hope that one day I will get my day in court . For all I know he could be prison who knows he’s not likely not to do it to some one else . But men like him never get what they deserve he deserves to be In prison . I have my self lived in a prison inside my own mind because of him . I known women who have taken it all the way and prosecuted there partners and then have only received community service or a suspended sentence how disgusting is that .

I live with so many emotions which is hard I do wonder if he has done this again to some one else because I know what a dangerous man he is .

thank you for wanting the best for me you are so so so kind .

cupcake88

@Tori_Scope thank you so much for your kind words and information it’s very helpful .

My therapist said some thing the other day which was “ was you can’t choose how your story starts but you can choose how it ends ,

Thank you I suppose I have come far in my recovery well I go back and forth it only takes some thing slight to trigger my ptsd .

My partner tells me he’s proud of me every day which is nice to hear .

thank you for all your help and for caring it’s very much appreciated I feel like I’m not alone .

Yes I will be telling all my concerns to psychiatrist I have written some things down . X

Tori_Scope

No problem at all @cupcake88, I'm glad it was helpful.

That's a really good quote

How lovely, you're really lucky to have each other.

Great, writing it down is a good idea. Please do let us know how you get on when you speak to them, if you feel comfortable doing so.

chiarieds

Hi @cupcake88 - the one true thing I feel my now ex-husband said to me was that the people you meet help shape your lives. They seem to, but some experiences are negative, others so much more positive.

I only suffered decades of verbal & emotional abuse, & didn't know women like me could be helped....I used to wish my husband would hit me, & then I'd have a reason to leave him, which I hope is not too wrong to say, as you experienced worse. I didn't even know what 'it' was that I was experiencing, until my son found out 6 months before I left my husband of 39 years. I carry guilt; my children also suffered, & I asked for their forgiveness not too long ago. They both said there was nothing to forgive, & knew I gave them the love & understanding that they should have had from both of their parents.

You carry guilt because you didn't bring your ex-partner to justice; I feel this is normal. However, the person that has caused harm is the guilty one, yet you feel guilty. I feel I should have worked so much harder at making my marriage, which mattered to me enormously, work, yet have realised I couldn't (nearly) have done more.... there's always that little bit of doubt.

I haven't suffered as you have done, but feel 'I've come through it' in the past 5 years, & have found myself again with the help of my children. Do trust in your lovely partner, who will help you too.

It's not a retrograde step to have your meds by injection, rather ensuring you safely get those meds you need at this time.

You need to be kind to yourself; something that is not selfish, but needed with what you have gone through; forgiveness to another may take time.

I personally rarely watch TV.....too many memories of things my ex-husband & I used to watch, as well as other things. Might you watch films/listen to music instead, or watch selected TV programmes later on BBC iplayer (no adverts)?

cupcake88

@chiarieds hi there sorry for the late response I forgot to reply to you .

I’m sorry you have to
go threw that . My exe started off doing that to me then he got physical I used to think the same that he’s not hitting me so it’s not abuse it’ was women’s aid that pointed out to me that was still abuse what he did . I’m sorry you also went threw this .

Your a strong and amazing lady you have still gone threw a ordeal . I thank you for sharing your expieriences .

Xxx

chiarieds

@cupcake88 - you're most welcome. I didn't know if my experience would help you, but wanted to say I don't consider myself a survivor, but I have 'come through it.' It's not something I've mentioned before, but just wanted to let you know. I've said this before, but I also consider yourself a very strong person, & I wish & hope the very best for you..... it takes time, but it is possible to 'come through it.'

cupcake88

Thank you so much every one . The psychiatrist called me this morning and he’s decided to keep me on the same meds pill form but to up it so I’m on tripple the amount of meds I was originally on he’s also prescribed me some thing to ease the stiffness of joints that Anti pychotics cause .

I m finding the road to recovery from mental illness and trauma a long road but thanks to the forum I’m not lonely i have friends on here x

Cress

Best wishes cupcake.
It is good to be able to unload on here, when things seem bleak.

Tori_Scope

It sounds like it was a reasonably positive call then @cupcake88? That's good.

I'm glad you feel that way

cupcake88

Thank you every one is so kind xx

Ross_Alumni

I hope you are having a ice evening@cupcake88