Things not to say...

Tori_Scope

I'm sure some of you will have seen them before, but BBC Three have a series of videos on 'things not to say to...' different people.

TW: some of the things the participants read out might be triggering to you, so viewer discretion is advised.

Here is the link to the full playlist, but I've pulled out a few examples below. 

Things not to say to:

• someone who uses a wheelchair
• someone with cerebral palsy
• a blind person
• a deaf person
• an autistic person
• people with Dwarfism
• someone with depression
• people with Tourette's Syndrome

What do you think of the videos? Do you think that they help to break down stereotypes? Have you ever had any of these things said to you? 

woodbine

As a person with epilepsy I don't like being described as an "epileptic", my condition doesn't define me, however when it happens I usually let it go, there are worse things they could call me 

RAwarrior

Hi @Tori_Scope,

I watched the video about depression and I can relate to some of the things people have said.

I would add the following things which I do not find helpful:

”Pull yourself together”

”You need to move on”

”Just forget about it”

“Going forward” which I find to be a really irritating phrase which is used by people when they don’t want to listen to what I am trying to say.

Oxonlady

Hi @RAwarrior, I agree with your comments! If these things were so easy, eg "pull yourself together", the person themselves would have done so already. 

I hate it when people say "smile, it might never happen". Well too jolly late, it already has happened and you have no idea the pain I'm in nor the anguish. And you'll never know just how hard I've tried to keep it together, through gritted teeth, never mind a smile...
Sorry, I had to let off steam there... 

RAwarrior

Hi @Oxonlady,
I don’t think that you need to apologise at all and I agree with your comments.

I am sorry to hear about the pain you are going through.

Unfortunately many people just don’t understand or even try to understand. I would rather someone said that they don’t know how to help me or that they didn’t understand rather than saying something meaningless.

Another thing that I cannot stand is when someone asks how I am and doesn’t mean it or walks away before I can reply. I believe that if someone asks someone how they are then they should actually mean it otherwise they shouldn’t bother asking.

It’s not only what people say as it’s also their body language which includes rolling people rolling their eyes if I try to explain how I feel. It becomes quite obvious when someone is not interested in listening.

Another thing which I find annoying is the person who thinks that they are a mental health expert ( and I don’t mean real experts such as doctors, psychologists etc). In my experience there is always someone in the workplace who says they know about mental health but when you actually need them, they are the first person to make a quick getaway. I wouldn’t be surprised if anyone on here has come across one of these type of people?

I don’t waste my time talking to people who I know don’t actually care and are just paying lip service. 

I have found that many people are selfish and because they haven’t experienced the same pain they just don’t care.

I suffer from depression as a result of being bullied and harassed at work for many years. I have lost count of the amount of times people have told me to move on. It is easy for people to say that when they were not targeted by the bully who prefers to target disabled people like myself?

I was unfortunate to have to work in the same place as a bully who enjoyed targeting disabled people. I am the one that has to recover from a situation which could have been prevented?

Oxonlady

I understand everything you say, @RAwarrior! 

Are you still in the same situation or has the bully moved out of your work situation? It's annoying when people, such as managers, don't take action when they should. And I totally agree, if people ask how you are, they should have the decency to listen to the truth. 

In my case, I've had severe, chronic pain due to various health conditions, to the point where it's now affecting my memory, speech and mood. 
I wish the medical profession could understand how badly severe pain can affect a person's mental as well as physical well-being. and offer a wider choice of pain relief. 

As for people telling you to "move on", a little understanding would go a long way! 

66Mustang

I can understand the importance of this and I think sharing things not to say to certain groups is fundamentally a good idea but personally I’m only offended by someone’s intent to offend me, rather than an innocent, ignorant use of a word or phrase.

Someone could call me something very “offensive” with no intention of insulting me and it would not matter to me, whereas on the other hand somebody could call me something really mild like a “silly sausage” with the intention of offending me and I would be offended, not by the phrase they used but by the fact they wanted to offend me.

RAwarrior

Hi @Oxonlady,

Unfortunately the bully is still employed because his behaviour has been covered up my several managers for many years. He is at a different location but I dread seeing him again. 

One part of me regards him as pathetic because he enjoys picking on disabled people but it doesn’t take away the impact it has had on my mental health.

I am sorry to hear about the chronic pain that you have suffering from. Have you asked to be referred to a pain clinic?

I have Rheumatoid and Osteoarthritis so I can understand about pain. However, in my case I coped very well especially when I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid. However, I know many people with Rheumatoid also suffer from mental health issues because it can cause chronic pain. I didn’t have mental health issues before I was bullied and I already had enough to cope with because I had Rheumatoid and Osteoarthritis. I didn’t need or want any other health conditions. However, as a result of being bullied and harassed I have ended up with PTSD? 

I just avoid people who tell me to move on because if I actually ask them how I am expected to do this, they rarely have an answer.

csno01

Tori_Scope said:

I'm sure some of you will have seen them before, but BBC Three have a series of videos on 'things not to say to...' different people.

TW: some of the things the participants read out might be triggering to you, so viewer discretion is advised.

Here is the link to the full playlist, but I've pulled out a few examples below. 

Things not to say to:

• someone who uses a wheelchair
• someone with cerebral palsy
• a blind person
• a deaf person
• an autistic person
• people with Dwarfism
• someone with depression
• people with Tourette's Syndrome

What do you think of the videos? Do you think that they help to break down stereotypes? Have you ever had any of these things said to you? 

Hi Tori, 

This looks an interesting post. I will take a look at the videos as I bet there is something I can relate to. One thing I have had said to me is: you dont look as if you have anything wrong with your vision. 

Tori_Scope

I think that's a common one unfortunately @csno01. Definitely give them a watch and let me know what you think!