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Urgent advice needed

lisathomas50
lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
To cut a long story short my mum has dementia  and she can't look after herself  so she was living  eith me in wales for three months  until my brother said he wanted her back in  wolverhampton mum has been liveing with my brother for last 7months.

Today at 5pm my brother phoned and said he was putting my mum back in her house tomorrow on her own becsuse my mum doesnt want cares 

My mum came to live with me bevsusr she couldn't look after herself she wasn't eating or drinking or washing herself or her cloths and she was putting herself at risk I have spoken to out of hours social services in wolverhampton  who has raised a safe guarding issue  so that it gets dealt with  Monday morning .

I can help any one else in this situation  but struggling to help myself  a big row has hsppend with my brother do now I can't think strsightv

Comments

  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Member Posts: 1,966 Pioneering
    edited March 5
    @lisathomas50 gosh,  they should of put it to out of hours so some one can go round the weekend 
    I just read it properly it was out of hours you spoke to, are they sending any one round the weekend to check on your mom? 
  • Oxonlady
    Oxonlady Member Posts: 452 Pioneering
    Very sorry to hear about this @lisathomas50.
    It's always upsetting when family members fall out. 
    The positive thing that I can see in this situation is that, if your Mum gets assessed by Social Services or the NHS, these people will be independent and objective and will make decisions based on your Mum's actual condition, needs and safety. Their findings won't be just based on a family member's opinion. I believe that we can assume that if the findings of your Mum's assessment are that she cannot manage alone at home, then your brother can't just impose his views and leave your Mum home alone.

    All you can do at the moment is wait for the outcome of your Mum's assessment on Monday. Well done for caring enough to raise the safeguarding issue with your Mum's local Social Services.
    It must be such a worry for you. 
    I wonder if your brother is doing this because he can no longer cope with your Mum? Perhaps he's too proud to admit that?

    In any case, an independent assessment is the way forward. I hope your Mum can be dealt with kindly, with compassion and understanding of her condition by the Social workers and receive the support she needs. 
    Wishing you and your family all the best. 
  • lisathomas50
    lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
    @Oxonlady thank you I had done what I could to safe guard my mum  she had an assessment when she lived ne that was last year and she had limited capacity and said she could only live in her house if she had the minimum of four carers a day which mum refused 

    My mum lived with me for three months before she went to live with my brother 

    My mum goes to day center three days a week  and someone has my mum all day Monday 

    I have told my brother I have contacted the social services he wasn't happy  the social worker asked if I would have her and I said yes  but have to see how it goes on Monday 
  • lisathomas50
    lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
    @Sandy_123 the out of hours said thry will send the police to do a welfare check 
  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Member Posts: 1,966 Pioneering
    Gosh @lisathomas50, will your brother provide meals to your mom
  • lisathomas50
    lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
    @Sandy_123 I have no idea what he is planning hopefuly he will will listen to my eldest son 
  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Member Posts: 1,966 Pioneering
    @lisathomas50 I can't see him not taking food over, just a worry for you 
  • lisathomas50
    lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
    @Sandy_123 he said he will put food in the fridge for her 
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Posts: 5,974

    Scope community team

    I'm very sorry to hear that @lisathomas50. I'm glad that you were able to get in touch with social services.

    Do you think your mum would be able to call 999 if she needed to this weekend? Is there a neighbour or friend of hers who lives in the area who could check to see if she's okay? It's good that the police are doing a welfare check on her. 
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  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Posts: 5,974

    Scope community team

    I'm sorry for your loss @SheffieldBloke1976
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  • Lou67
    Lou67 Member Posts: 906 Pioneering
    Hi Lisa so sorry to dear what’s going on with your mum.
    I hope it gets sorted out and she receives the best possible care.

    Also I hope your ok must be so stressful for you.

    Take care 😊
  • lisathomas50
    lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
    Thanks everyone I am going to wolverhampton tomorrow for a week to have my mum at her house so my brother can have a break and we will have to sort something out long term I would have my mum back with me but my brother  is going through to many emotions and guilt but the strain on his family is to much 

    I live on my own I have been a carer for many years  I looked after mum alot when I was younger because of her mental health problems  my brother went back for her after an hour as he came to his senses and knew she wouldn't be able to look after herself so I am going tomorrow 

    I had my mum for three months and all was ok so now we are back at square one 

    I gave up work to look after her  didn't think this would happen so now my life is on hold again do I carry on looking for work whilst my brother is deciding what to do 

    I have told him I am happy to have her back with me and I will tske mum once a month for a week in wolverhampton to see my brother 

    Until he decides I am stuck 🙄
  • Sandy_123
    Sandy_123 Member Posts: 1,966 Pioneering
    See what happens, you will all work it out what's best in the end.
  • woodbine
    woodbine Community Co-Production Group Posts: 5,251 Disability Gamechanger
    The wife's mum has been in a home for over 3 years now she has dementia, it got to the point where even with carers it was unsafe for her to live on her own, and although we really didn't want her to go into a home it turned out to be the right decision, her dementia whilst not getting better (it never does) has stabilised, she has put weight on again as she is eating 3 times a day, and it turned out that the lady in the next room to her had been a school friend form 70 years ago.
    Offering PIP advice to people with epilepsy.
  • lisathomas50
    lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
    @woodbine when my mum was ok and dad was alive they made a will and we can't put mum in a care home she was liveing with me but my brother wanted her back in wolverhampton so she has been liveing with him for seven months and he and his wife aren't copeing with her to the point where he took her back to her house 

    I raised a safe guarding issue  and he went back after an hour to get her duty social worker asked if I would have her back with me and I said yes 

    Now it's down to my brother I am going to wolverhampton  tomorrow for a week to give them a break and I am haveing her at my house in April my life is up in the air again 
  • woodbine
    woodbine Community Co-Production Group Posts: 5,251 Disability Gamechanger
    I wasn't aware that you could make a living will with such a "provision" ? What if it becomes impossible for the person not to have to go into a home?
    Offering PIP advice to people with epilepsy.
  • lisathomas50
    lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
    @woodbine whilst there are liveing relatives me and my brother mainly 

    We wouldn't go against the will anyway and even with out that I would always look after my mum any way  

    My problem is my brother not makeing the decision his marriage and his children are suffering I live on my own only my life would be affected my mum looked after my dad 24/7 when he had cancer so we need to look after mum 
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Posts: 5,974

    Scope community team

    edited March 7
    It looks as though an advance decision (living will) covers decisions to refuse life-sustaining treatments, but an advance statement covers a broader range of preferences @woodbine @lisathomas50. Advance decisions are legally binding, but advance statements aren't. 

    Age UK

    An advance statement of wishes explains your likes and dislikes and anything that is important for you to be comfortable. An advance statement should be considered by all those involved your care. Unlike an advance decision, it's not legally binding.

    You might like to include information on:
    • where ideally you would like to be cared for, for example your home, a care home or hospice
    • your dietary requirements
    • foods you do and don’t like
    • whether you prefer baths or showers
    • what kind of clothes you prefer to wear
    • the type of music you like and what you like to watch on TV
    • whether you like to sleep with a light on
    • the time you like to go to bed and whether you’re an early riser or prefer a lie in
    • your religious or other beliefs and values
    • who you want to be consulted about your care
    • who you would like to visit you.
    NHS
    An advance decision (sometimes known as an advance decision to refuse treatment, an ADRT, or a living will) is a decision you can make now to refuse a specific type of treatment at some time in the future.

    It lets your family, carers and health professionals know your wishes about refusing treatment if you're unable to make or communicate those decisions yourself.

    You can refuse a treatment that could potentially keep you alive, known as life-sustaining treatment.
    This is treatment that replaces or supports ailing bodily functions, such as:
    • ventilation – this may be used if you cannot breathe by yourself
    • antibiotics – this can help your body fight infection
    An advance decision is legally binding as long as it:
    • is valid
    • applies to the situation
    If your advance decision is binding, it takes precedence over decisions made in your best interest by other people.
    I completely understand that you wouldn't want to go against your mum's wishes anyway Lisa. It's very kind of you to care for her, and I'm sure that your brother will make a decision soon. I'm glad to hear she's safe for now anyway.
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  • lisathomas50
    lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
    @Tori_Scope my brother has got his head in the sand I have told him he needs to think what he is doing we are in mums house but  she doesn't know its her house 

    At first she didn't know who I was  but we have been for a walk and had a laugh and looked at photos 

    I have to  do everything for her but I don't mind I am here until Sunday so have to see how it goes 
  • lisathomas50
    lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
    @Tori_Scope it's legal binding as my dad wouldn't go in a hospice and we couldn't do anything becsuse it's legal binding for both mom and dad there are a few things on it very specific and legal binding 
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Posts: 5,974

    Scope community team

    Yep, you'll just have to see how it goes @lisathomas50. I'm glad you were able to get out for a walk and look at some old pictures. 
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  • lisathomas50
    lisathomas50 Posts: 4,584 Disability Gamechanger
    @Tori_Scope it's harder looking after her in her own house tonight she said it isn't her house I only went in the shower and she went to pieces 

    I just  want to take her to  my house and keep her safe and help her not to be scared  I am already  prepared for the end game  and at least I will be there when it happens 

    I just want to try and give her some quality of life 

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