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Hi I'm James and I am completely lost

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Jim75
Jim75 Community member Posts: 2 Listener
edited May 2021 in Families and carers
Hey all

Firstly I'd like to thank Scope. I have never used your website or services before, but due to your tireless charity work and campainging through the years, I knew exactly where to come when I needed somewhere to look for support and advice. You guys were like a beacon in a blizzard.

Anyway, I have a lovely son, who, amongst other quirks, was born with CP and is dyspraxic. He turns 22 next week, and I feel so gutted for him because he just has no friends and between you and me, he lacks the social skills to realistically start forming friendships. It's a vicious circle unfortunately. Right from primary school he was avoided by the other children and by year 6 he was getting regularly bullied or just excluded by his peers. At high school the bullying got worse and it just made him retreat into the safety of his bedroom and his gaming. Through college, again he was never able to make any friends and the social gap between him and his peers just got bigger. Although really intelligent, socially he's probably at about 15/16 years now which makes it really tricky for him to now make friends with people his own age. He is really anxious about everything in the world and spends most of his days in his room here with me. His relationship with his mum and siblings has broken down and they live away from here. We live 15 miles from our nearest city and its pretty rural here, There arent many disabled people around, certainly his own age locally anyway. He is unable to drive although he would love to be able to. He is't so disabled that he needs me 24/7 but there are a few key things he is unable to do safely which again makes him feel "different" and reaffirms his decision to just stay home with me in his "safe place" so to speak.

I am here in the hope that there are others out there, that have adult kids with disbailites, that are really anxious about leaving the house, struggles to make friends because they dont pick up on social cues or read situations very well, and are non judgemental. He's almost like an inbetweener - He's not so disabled that he cant do some things and needs someone 24/7, but hes "different" enough that his peers have been <moderator removed offensive term> to him his entire life instead of including him.

He is a lovely lad and it goes without saying that I love him to pieces. This isn't what I want for him, he deserves more from life.

-I realise that I've gone on a bit of a rant there and I apologise. I hate using the word "different" for him and I try to be positive, but sometimes I just don't see where his life is going or how it will ever change.

Ok now i'm crying

Bye for now 

Comments

  • janer1967
    janer1967 Community member Posts: 21,964 Championing
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    Hi and welcome to the community you will find others herd in similar situations and hope they connect with you 

    I will tag in our cp adviser whi may be able to offer you some advice and info 

    @Richard_Scope can you help here 
  • Cher_Alumni
    Cher_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,734 Championing
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    Hello @jim75 and a warm welcome to our online community.  I'm so glad you found us and I really hope we can offer some comfort and support.

    Firstly, are you ok?  I can understand your emotions around wanting the best for your son and I hope you are taking care of your own needs too.  If you ever feel that you are struggling, please reach out to your GP to talk through things more and get their input.  Caring for our loved ones is hard but don't forget yourself  <3

    Also, I can empathise with what you're saying about your son as I was very ill with a chronic illness from my late teens to mid twenties and as a result, was really isolated.  It's a tough one to manage and I know my mum totally felt like you do now.  It sounds like you are being, above and beyond, a loving supportive father and having you there as a stable presence will mean the world to your son.  Has he ever spoke with the GP about his feelings of anxiety?  Would that be a conversation that could help do you think?

    One life-line for disabled people who are isolated is virtual communities.  I wonder, would he be able to join groups to do with his gaming interests that sometimes meet up?  Making tentative steps to meeting new people could slowly open up opportunities for making new friends.  Also, I appreciate you live in a rural area, but would there be any groups in your local city he could join?  We'd be happy to help you search.  

    Just to add, I've edited out a word you used as it might be offensive to some (although we completely understand why you used it, given the context) and I've moved your thread to our Parents, carers and disabled parents category - which is somewhere you might find helpful to browse.  

    If you ever need us, we are here to vent at, talk to or lean on always.  Take care and hope to speak soon.  
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  • Jim75
    Jim75 Community member Posts: 2 Listener
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    Thanks guys, really appreciate your input. Apologies for the bad word  :#

    If you happen to know any virtual groups, pleeeeeeeease link us up and I will urge him to check it out. 

    Thanks everso

    James
  • Richard_Scope
    Richard_Scope Posts: 3,638 Scope online community team
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    Hi @Jim75
    You are so very welcome here and I want to commend the honesty and bravery and love that comes through in your post. As a disabled man myself, I know that this issue worried my mum too when I was younger. 

    I know that it certainly doesn't feel like it right now but there are folk out there that will accept your son for all that he is and all that he can become. There are groups (online mostly) that your son can join if he wants to like CP Teens (they cover up to 25) and I run a virtual cafe twice a month with CP Sport, he is very welcome to join us. There are other groups such as Phab which seeks to bring disabled and non-disabled people together. I attended one many moons ago. I'm also going to post a link to Dyspraxia UK who may have additional ways of supporting you and your son.

    I want to echo what my colleague @Cher_Scope has said about your self-care being of equal importance and that we're only a post away.


    Scope
    Cerebral Palsy Programme Lead

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  • Alex_Alumni
    Alex_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,561 Championing
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    Hello @hotstuff and thanks for sharing how you're feeling, it can be difficult when we feel judged for who we are, and it can be isolating. How do you get on with your siblings? 

    Also, I don't know if you noticed, but this discussion was posted in 2021, about 2 years ago, so you might not get a response as quickly as more recent threads. You can find the date a thread was posted underneath a members name on the left hand side, if that helps? 
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