Suicide Thoughts From Years Ago — Scope | Disability forum
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Suicide Thoughts From Years Ago

oldngrumpy Member Posts: 186 Pioneering

CW: post and comments contain mentions of suicide that some members may find triggering.

A few years ago i went away for my 50th birthday. It was ok. But being my usual nervous self. I could have enjoyed it more.

I came home following this break and i received a letter. I'm not going into detail re the letter. But it was devastating. It was that bad I decided to end my life.

Thankfully, and it is obvious, from me writing this I didn't fully carry it out. But I was so close. I haven't done this deed since. Although I still think of this act everyday.

I was talking to a woman who I thought was a "decently person". I told her what I was so close to doing the deed.
She replied. If you were serious about it you'd have carried it out. If you were really miserable like Caroline Flack (killed herself-suicide) you wouldn't have hesitated.

This shut me up. There and then.

To me it takes a hell of a lot of testosterone to fully carry this out. I wanted to. 
But there was a doubt in my mind.
This woman trivialised my deed. And I thought how can you say that. 
To me you don't trivialise anyone who talks about suicide.

Is it me being sensitive.
Or do you think she should have been more sympathetic towards my act.

Thank you folks!


  • leeCal
    leeCal Member Posts: 6,508 Disability Gamechanger
    She should have been more empathetic about it. Suicide is a devastating act and even planning it can’t be so easily dismissed as some would like to. 

    Im glad you’re still with us @oldngrumoy no matter how old and grumpy you actually are. Our life stories take all sorts of twists and turns and are unique to each and every one of us. Who wants to miss that story as it is written day by day, not me, I’ve been there, to the brink five times, three very seriously close and I’m glad to be still here writing to you because my life changed, not drastically but enough to ease the pain of living and I’m glad to see it change, experience a day, grey or cloudy or not. 

    Ultimately we control how we experience the rich and twisting tale of our lives. We are the authors, the locus of control is within us. From one traveller to another I wish you happiness and strength.

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Posts: 9,682 Scope online community team
    Hi @oldngrumpy. Thanks for being so candid in sharing your experiences of suicide. I've sent you an email from [email protected], so please do take a look when you get a moment.

    Just to reiterate: you're completely right that suicide, and suicidal thoughts and feelings, should never be trivialised. Your experience of suicidal thoughts and feelings was, and is, completely valid. There are lots of reasons why someone might think about ending their own life, and everyone's experience is different. We're glad you didn't end up following through with your plan, and that you're still with us :)
    Online Community Coordinator, she/her

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  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 0 Listener
    I think this is much more a reflection of them than on you @oldngrumpy!! They definitely shouldn’t have been so dismissive. I don’t think you’re being sensitive. Sadly I think there isn’t a great deal of understanding when it comes to mental health and suicidal thoughts. 
    I’m glad you’re still around today and something stopped you and I hope this negative experience hasn’t put you off opening up about your struggles in the future. ❤️
  • woodbine
    woodbine Member, Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,769 Disability Gamechanger
    edited June 2021
    Around 13 years ago I took a massive OD [Removed by moderator], luckily I lived and although I've come close to trying again I never have.
    Be extra nice to new members.
  • cupcake88
    cupcake88 Posts: 1,240 Pioneering
    I’m sorry to hear that your friend wasn’t more understanding and I’m glad your still here . I suffer with mental illness and I recently attempted a over dose because I was sick of living life mentally ill . I was given this horrible charcoal stuff to drink .

    mental illness is such a horrible thing to live with . 

  • CoffeeFirst
    CoffeeFirst Member Posts: 143 Pioneering
    Hi oldngrumpy,
    Your friend doesn’t sound like a very good friend at all. She should have shown you more compassion and understanding. I hope you are doing ok now.

  • chiarieds
    chiarieds Member, Community Co-Production Group Posts: 12,478 Disability Gamechanger
    Thank you to everyone who has told a little of their story. Through this others gain understanding of the suffering you've gone through. And thank goodness you're all here. Where would we be without you all? <3
    That woman didn't trivialise your thoughts (no-one can do that) @oldngrumpy - she rather showed absolutely no understanding at all.
    After I lost my youngest daughter, I didn't want to carry on living, but my faith meant I knew I wouldn't attempt anything. For me, life took a different path to what I'd expected, but you just have to take that path & see where it goes.....
    So, right now I'm smiling, as my son came around after work to ask if I'd like to see his new roof. We couldn't see much because of the scaffolding. He said he'd go up onto the scaffolding to take some photos to show me. Whilst not on my bucket list, & much to his apprehension, I decided to go up onto the scaffolding too (I think even my cat was worried as she was meowing underneath). Yes, the roof is lovely (can rooves be lovely?), but oh the view of the river in front of their house from high up! I don't think I'll repeat the experience, as I was pleased to get back on terra firma, but I wasn't expecting that on a day that hadn't been going too well. :)
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Posts: 9,682 Scope online community team
    edited June 2021
    Thanks to everyone for being so open on this thread, I know that suicide isn't an easy thing to talk about. I hope this has made you feel a little less alone today @oldngrumpy

    @cupcake88: I've sent you an email from [email protected] 

    To anyone reading: please remember that the following organisations are there to listen to you if you're struggling to cope
    • Samaritans: call 116 123, or email [email protected] You don't have to be suicidal to get in touch with them
    • SHOUT: text SHOUT to 85258 if you'd prefer to speak to a volunteer over text
    • Papyrus: if you're aged under 35 years old, you can call them on 0800 068 4141
    You can also find support local to you on the Hub of Hope. Of course, if you ever feel unable to keep yourself safe, you should call 999 or visit your local A&E department right away. 
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  • Justcheckingin15
    Justcheckingin15 Member Posts: 363 Pioneering
    @woodbine..That must have been a very traumatic time for you..glad to hear you have not went down that road again..
  • woodbine
    woodbine Member, Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,769 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm trying to remember what I said that had to be removed...I have the memory of a goldfish, and with all thats going on it's difficult to remember anything !  :'(
    Be extra nice to new members.
  • Beesmummy798
    Beesmummy798 Member Posts: 71 Courageous
    This thread has done my heart good ♥️ I love everything about this community forum and I'm so glad to have found it. Its not just about 'when will I get paid' 'how long' 'entitlements' etc. Its about real people, helping each other out...having insightful and to the point knowledge but at the same time having a caring heart. @oldngrumpy thank you for being so open, we are glad you are still here...Everyday pick one thing you are thankful for, even if it is making a cup of tea or being able to swot an annoying fly like I'm doing now. Take each moment as it comes and concentrate on it... Not the thoughts behind it. Everyone deserves to be here, living and breathing. One single breath from you can give a plant or flower oxygen to live a long time. Imagine being the plant or flower with no stress or worries...Stay here on this earth you are needed x
  • cupcake88
    cupcake88 Posts: 1,240 Pioneering
    @Tori_Scope yes I received your email thank you so much for checking on me. My signal is bad so my email wasn’t sending so replying on here . I’m still struggling with the side effects but the side effect medication has really helped . 

    Thanks for checking on me if I feel really bad I usually call my nurse or crisis . I also find great support on this forum every one on here showing me so much caring support .  

    I live with the fear of ending up back in hospital every day which effects my anxiety . 

    Thank you for caring and checking on me 
  • oldngrumpy
    oldngrumpy Member Posts: 186 Pioneering
    Thank you to all pieces of advice.
    I have to admit this forum is a nice place to be.
    Hope everyone's having a good day?
  • shadow66
    shadow66 Member Posts: 24 Courageous
    I'm sorry you had such a dismissive and trivialising response to your disclosure about feeling suicidal. 
    It's so hard being caught between suicidal thoughts and the brain's survival instinct. Living with suicidal ideation is just a relentless existence. 
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Posts: 9,682 Scope online community team
    No problem @cupcake88. I'm glad the medication is still helping :) Fingers crossed the side effects will continue to improve. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to worry too much about ending up back in hospital. Try and focus on making sure you keep checking-in on yourself and leaning on your partner, nurse, and crisis team when you need (and the community of course!).
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