On 7th August 2021 I was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). To be honest, I cannot really describe how I feel, what I do now have is an explanation for many of the paths my life has taken.
It is a life full of piles of unpaid parking tickets, reminder emails from companies, promises made to people before dissolving into nothing. It has meant broken relationships, ruined friendships, lost jobs and cost me thousands of pounds in the process.
It also has created me a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, anxiety and periods of depression. Having ADHD and be untreated, life is often an incredible struggle, the skills required to modulate behaviours, to organise and delegate towards a goal – everyday tasks become exhausting.
I have spent years trying to mask my difficulties giving the impression of “I’m coping”.
Impulsivity, the 11 letters that have a lot to answer for in my life and explain so many of my actions over the years. All those random inboxes, text messages, shoot from the hip reactions, Instagram messages to those I admire, misunderstood comments on things I wanted to learn about, questioning people apparently I am not allowed to question. It’s ruined whole chapters of my life bought me to my knees and there have been times it has left me at rock bottom.
It has lost me jobs, relationships, friendships, caused me unnessessary debt, stopped me from achieving and left me feeling a failure, simply unable to live the kind of life I have been wanting to live.
Research has shown me those who have the disorder often excel in anything that interests them. The results when I am ‘Hyper-focussed’ on something can often be misunderstood that you are competent in all areas. From my learning about the condition, it seems that “you are so good at this, why cant you do that” is a common statement.
This ability to hyper-focus has been the reason I have winged it for so many years, trying to
Find ways to overcome symptoms that have hindered me all my life. My experience was hindered by a great deal of ‘gate-keeping’ incompetant administration processes and without question a clear lack of belief in neurological conditions by every doctor I have seen in the practice, the irony is, nect door is the mental health team for the area. Sadly waiting lists can extend up to several years on the NHS and that I believe is a result of backward thinking by middle aged men in white suits all who probably have private healthcare as part of their job package.
Following my diagnosis, each day I am gaining some further understanding as to how ADHD has coloured my life this far. Each day, what I once saw as my own failings, I now see as part of a clear pattern of behaviours I was locked into.
I think in time their will be some reflection of lost opportunities, those I have fallen out with as a result of the condition, but the best news is there is also a great deal of hope. I feel as if I have been presented with a new beginning – a chance to start afresh and I am grabbing that bad boy with both hands.
For as long as I can remember, I feel as if I have been trapped on a treadmill, heading nowhere, exhausted and frustrated. I have done more for other people than most and have full adult life of creating opportunity, empowering people in my work and fixing people in my spare time and when I look back I have achieved quite alot for a lone ranger with a passion but it explains why I did not achieve what I actually wanted, it’s explains why I wasn’t quite getting there.
I knew this though, I knew it a year ago when I had to go and complete my ADHD paperwork in the car park at my doctors due to Covid after they lost it for the third time! Right across the top of this paper quite clearly meant for a doctor to complete stated if this patient has ADHD and is unmedicated they will never reach their true potential” I never really told anybody that before, I look back and remember how I felt. I was so close to chucking the towel in, then I researched all the people before me that had ADHD and were successful and it gave me hope, I read the positives and reminded myself I had come this far, life will become so much easier. Now, for the first time, I feel as if I am going to be able to confidently move forward, after so many years - I have the answer!
From Monday I will no longer be posting on Facebook or Instagram and have decided that LinkedIn and YouTube will be my preferred social media platforms. For somebody that is impulsive, passionate have come to the point where social media is dangerous to my future. We are living in a world where one comment or status could destroy somebody’s reputation, I refuse to be drawn into toxic conversations with narrowminded and intelligent blinkered people. Impulsivity and social media has been very dangerous for me and at times probably detrimental to my character. However I know me better than anyone and I know I have a good a heart, I have been as confused about my behaviour and feelings as some people have over the years to, the amount of times people have said “you are not who I thought you were closing “because I have exploded after letting everything build up. People misunderstand me, they think I am this happy smiley friendly person. They are right however I am also the person that Will have no issue telling you if I am not happy with something and unfortunately it’s like a kettle and once the kettle boils the shock I think of the character change gives people a realisation that I am not who they thought I was however I am no longer going to be apologetic for their false perception of me. I would rather help anyone than harm them. The last 24 hours of posting on personal social media that I will leave for everybody that is friends with me to look at. Tomorrow morning the line gets drawn and I move forward to learn how to deal with my own brain and anyone who wishes to follow can on my YouTube channel.
For those who won’t bother, those I have actually managed to offend and to people that tried to discredit me. Thank you for being a part of my life, teaching me very valuable lessons. Lessons that will stay with me for the rest of my life. The time has come for me to let it go, close that door and move forward using my personality, my experience and skills to make a positive difference to the things that I am passionate about. We are not here forever and I have wasted enough time, this is my second life and I cannot wait to live every single moment of it!
