Fibromyalgia depression and loneliness

natz2009

Hi everyone my name is nat i have fibromyalgia and in the last year lost 2 of my closest friends the avoied me dont answer my messages i jave 5 kids and recently been really down to the point im now on45mg mirtazipine witch i really dont want to be on but cant help but feel down all the time i have no one round me as all my family live in scotland and i live in england just woundering if anyone had any tips or advice to try and make my self feel a little more up im socialy ockword so not grate at meeting new ppl if anyone has been or is in my situation any advice would be gratefull thanks 

Cher_Alumni

Hi @natz2009

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling lonely.  It can be hard to admit that so thank you for being open with us about the emotions you have going on inside.  Chronic illness can really test friendships and I've similarly lost touch with people, through flare-ups of my condition, who I expected to always be there.  So, please know you aren't alone and you deserve friends who will stick with you through thick and thin, in sickness and in health   

Do you feel that you're receiving enough support from your care team in relation to your fibromyalgia and depression?  I wonder if your local mental health team provide any courses on building confidence in social situations and overcoming anxiety surrounding that?  Maybe that could be something to explore.

And yep, making new friends as an adult is a bit daunting isn't it?  But it can be done.  You mention you have 5 children - I'm not sure how old they are, but do they go to any groups you could join in with?  Maybe introducing a bit of gentle exposure to social situations and chit chat with others will give you a little confidence boost.  

Also, do you have any old hobbies or interests that you could take up again, or speak with others about?  Finding a community who shares our passion is a real morale lifter and I'm sure there are people looking to talk to others, just like you.  

It goes without saying our community members are always here for you too, just give us a shout if ever you want to chat and we'll be there for you.

Take care and I look forward to speaking again soon.

natz2009

Thank you for your reply and kind words i used to dance but due to fibromyalgia i cant do it anymore i am contacting the mental health team this week just been run of my feet with my kids starting back to school my kids are number one always lol i was trying to go to some stay and play with my youngest daughter while my other 4 boys are in school but then the pandemic hit and that went out the window nothing is back up and runing as of yet in my area but im going to start with small steps a walk with the dog to get out of my house i am constantly indoors usualy because my legs are bad but im going to try regardless of the pain xx

Cher_Alumni

@natz2009 Ahh yep, the pandemic has made opportunities for socialising 'in-person' super limited but it's good to hear you have a positive attitude and are going to start with those small steps.  What kind of dog do you have?  A walk can be just the ticket to blow off the cobwebs and clear the mind, do you have anywhere nice to go?

Keep us posted with how you get on and don't put too much pressure on yourself - slow and steady wins the race! 

newborn

Have you investigated options of relocating to Scotland near people you know will support you?  It sounds as if you would appreciate your wider family to be near you, and probably they would be glad to be near the children too.  Moving schools at younger ages will be easier than if you delay.  If you are unhappy and unwell now, you can't really wait till things get worse, and maybe the move to your safety net of family  will in itself lift your spirits.   The fact you are getting so down, and have children to care for, will be a reason for officials to do what they can to help you.   
By the way, I was thinking; your friends may not have really meant to be unkind, but if they could see you falling apart and did not feel they could take over responsibility, or felt helpless to help you, much as they wanted to, then  that would explain them just thinking it best to leave you alone and let you find another solution.  Back in Scotland with your family, you could be a new person making a new start.  You made two good friends once, so you will make more.  Actually, given time, even your English friends would probably respond to a cheerful text thanking them for being good friends while you were in England, and telling them a little about your new life, and asking for an update about theirs. You sound like a nice person, so they will probably be pleased for you when things are better. 

natz2009

@Cher_Scope i have a saint bernard so sometimes can ne difficult lol we have a local park n duck pond not to far and thank you @newborn i would love to move back to scotland but 3 of my children are already in high scool and all have engalish accents and i know how harsh it is in gladgow to grow up there even when ur from there i wouldnt put my children through that just for my needs and as for my friends i have tried over and over again in the nicest of ways and im still kicked to the curb im hopeing the medication gives me a little motivation im not looking for mirical but just a little boost to get me started xx thank you everyone for ur comments xx

newborn

Now here's the thing which made me think you were a good mother.  You put your children first.  But there is a problem with that.   Self sacrificing mothers don't see it, and don't value their own needs at all.   And when you don't value yourself, the first question is, what example are you setting for your children to follow?

The next question is, what is it doing to you?   You know the answer. You are unsupported and miserable and depressed, hoping that pills will take the place of supportive family and familiar surroundings back at home, especially when, try as you obviously will, it is pretty near impossible to manage your physical health, plus your domestic  commitments, plus being in pain, and on top of that to be socially isolated and your mental health (inevitably) plunging to the floor.

The third question, and I know this is a bit "tough love" or what they used to call "a Dutch Uncle", but what good is a mother to her children?   Exactly what is it that they need most from her? Think why the airlines instruct  parents to put their O  W  N  masks on first, before helping with their child's masks. Children need a parent to be as strong and happy and cared for as possible, in order to be able to care for them.

Girls in school should probably be taught to value themselves as a first step if they intend to care for others.
Some children have grown up with mothers self medicating with alcohol, others with mothers equally zonked out with stuff they got from the doctor, others with unhappy mothers trying to get away from a miserable situation by taking street drugs, and others of course who have cracked up entirely and been carted off, or the children taken into care.  It doesn't apply to you.   But you are too depressed and ill to think straight, and there is at least some reason to ask if it is logical to dull your brain with pills, if there is any practical possible alternative of simply changing the situation which is hurting you.

You do have what seems for an instant to be a reason to stay stuck for life where you are:  You have children  with English accents, which will sound unwelcome in Glasgow.  But this is your perfect time to go. Moving schools is nothing, compared to moving teenagers away from what they are convinced are the "greatest love affairs of all time"  (!!!)

As it happens,  I know it can be done, to switch from London to Glasgow, (and also to go all over the place with the 'wrong' accent)   It is  especially easy for children, they simply seem to breathe in the local accents almost instantly.    Your children have an unusual advantage, because Mum is a 'native Glaswegian' speaker    
In fact children invariably become bi-lingual really fast if they are taken to live in completely foreign countries.  

natz2009

I understand what ur saying but i also left glasgow from domestic violance and othere shall we say abusive situations and my family still live in close proximity to these ppl so not only would i be putting me back in a worse sitiuation aswell as my children im a good mum i do everything for my children my house is cleaned every day and i do not stop untill they do and yes most nights im crying in pain but also filled with pride that i got everything done that as a mum i had to n yes i am on antidepressants but not because of my children i fight tooth and nail for them i smile everyday for them and i teach them everyday yes i am going through a lot but thats on me not my children xx

newborn

Yes I can understand your pride in looking after the children.  And of course understand you don't want to go back right into where some people you are avoiding live.  It's none of my business, but your problem really reached me and I will try just one last time to persuade you to at least give some thought of how to do it, not reasons not to do it ! 
I know as well that Glasgow is enormous, like London, where people just don't  venture into different areas at all,  (it is actually quicker to get to Ireland or the continent from South East London than to get to North West London)  Even  if  they did for some peculiar reason go into the 'foreign country' of a different area, there are so many millions of people that they might as well be in another country.  They just would not bump into people from anywhere else in London.    Only you know the layout of the area you would want to avoid, and you would know where would be some of the most suitable place far enough for avoiding people you don't want to see, but near enough for access from family members wanting to see you and the children.  Your family members would not be going round to your ex, or to  the others you want to avoid, and telling them your new address!
You do sound a bit brighter than you were when you first posted. . 

natz2009

Yes i understand what ur saying and i think even jist a conversation with someone has helped me a bit i dont speak with family all to often as there all a bunch of gossips so its simple chats i never disclose how i feel or what im going through also cause there really judgemental also so i tend to keep a lot to myself and i have thought of going back meany times but i just get a feeling of dread come over me when i try and do it so i stop myself i dont think i could ever go back to be honest x