struggling to do uni work and dealing with intrusive thoughts and physical symptoms of anxiety

tazzy_956

Hi, 
I post on here a lot cos I find it so helpful and it really has made a difference over the past few days I've been using it. I wanted to talk about my fear of doing uni work, I know it sounds strange but hear me out. I have had a tumultuous relationship with education and it has left quite a lot of scars. When I was 15 - 16, I would equate my self worth with the grades I would get as I thought if I did well, my parents would love me and if I didn't they would not. I did not know how deep that thought or belief was until now. It like all my negative experiences surrounding education come up to the surface and I don't know what to do. I have never had the courage to open up to my parents fully because I know that is a apology that I won't receive. The thought of my parents not loving me as a young girl petrified me as they were the only thing I knew and they were my everything. My relationship with them hasn't improved much and is still rocky but I don't know how to put certain chapters of my life to rest as I think what my body, brain and heart want is closure.  I don't know how to tbh, but to think you are worth nothing more than a grade really hurt me and there were grave consequences if you did not meet my parents expectations. I always wanted that unconditional love which I don't have which I willingly give to others. Its so hard to put it into words but I'm glad I did, anyone have any comforting words to offer or any insight that I am missing, it would be a great relief. 
Thank you, I appreciate it very much. 

Tori_Scope

Hi @tazzy_956,

Firstly, thanks so much for being so open in your post. It's not easy to open up about these things, so I think this is a really positive first step  

I think many people experience this during their time in education, to varying degrees. There's a lot of pressure on students to always achieve the top grades, even if it's at the expense of their wellbeing.

If you're not feeling ready to open up to your parents about how you're feeling yet, have you considered speaking to someone else about this? You could try speaking to:

• your GP (who could point you in the right direction)
• your personal tutor at uni, if you have one, or a lecturer you trust
• a wellbeing officer or advisor at your uni
• a uni counsellor

Would you feel comfortable speaking to anyone on this list about this? 

Some universities also have societies where people can talk about things such as academic pressure and mental health. Have you had a look to see if there are any of these peer to peer support type groups at your uni? 

You're of course always welcome to continue posting about this on the community, too. 

You're definitely worth more than your grades, and deserve love and support regardless of the grades you get!

tazzy_956

@Tori_Scope
Hi Tori, 
It's been a while since I've been on here, hence the late reply. My uni doesn't have a counselor but I do have private therapy and I have confided since I last posted and my anxiety around studying has de-escalated a lot. Thank you for the advice  

Tori_Scope

That's good to hear @tazzy_956 Thanks for the update!