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Suicide attempt

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Waylay
Waylay Community member, Scope Member Posts: 973 Pioneering
TW: suicide, but no discussion of how
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I tried to kill myself a few days ago. I have my housemate and the hospital to thank for my life. I'm no longer feeling suicidal, but a lot of traumatic memories are coming up, suddenly. I see my GP tomorrow, and am going to my partner's to recover on Tues. I'm just... It's intense. 

I'm safe, don't worry. But has anyone else had similar memories surfacing after an attempt?

Also, how do you trust yourself again? 

Comments

  • woodbine
    woodbine Community member Posts: 11,832 Disability Gamechanger
    edited November 2021
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    I'm not sure this is something I've ever said on here but about 15 years ago I attempted to take my own life, it was a serious attempt involving [removed by moderator] strong tablets, and if i'm totally honest I didn't trust myself for ages afterwards, I have never tried it again, although there have been times when the thought did cross my mind.

    I was lucky I had strong people around me who loved me and didn't judge me, I got no support from the hospital, they didn't even ask if I would do it again and they kept me in a side ward after they decided I would live, in fact they weren't very nice if i'm honest.  @Waylay i'm glad you are getting support it's so important that you do, and if you need support from us you know where we are.
    2024 The year of the general election...the time for change is coming 💡

  • Waylay
    Waylay Community member, Scope Member Posts: 973 Pioneering
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    @woodbine thank you so much for sharing that. It makes me feel less alone. I'm so sorry that the "treatment" you received was so lacking! I'm glad you've never reached that point again.

    The hospital staff in my case were so nice, so supportive, but they were also honest about the fact that there was little they could offer me in terms of help. I understand, as I know what our county's MH services are like from experience (so underfunded and understaffed that they barely function). I'm also aware that, having participated in a 5 month takeover of our building when our Trust tried to close our Service down with a week's warning, I'm blacklisted from 2ndary care here. 

    I'm so lucky that I have a few friends and my partner, who are all so supportive. I fear for people who don't have similar support. :/

    I feel like such an **** right now. I've had ideation, and even plans, for years, but was always able to realise that I needed help before anything happened. This time it happened fast, and it was all so clear... I no longer trust myself. 

    Thank you for your support. 
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,505 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hi @Waylay :) 

    Firstly, thanks for letting us know you're safe.

    I can appreciate that it must be difficult to post about this, so thank you for feeling as though you could open up to us today. 

    I can see that you're looking for some advice from other members, based on their own experiences, which is completely fine. I've also sent you an email from community@scope.org.uk to remind you of a few helpful resources, as well as to see if there's anything we can do to help. Please do keep an eye out for that.

    This is a link to an Australian organisation, but you might find this page on recovering after a suicide attempt (SuicideLine Victoria Australia) helpful to read. It has some tips and tricks, and outlines that you might have some conflicting feelings after an attempt to take your own life.

    You might also be able to take some comfort from this blog post on the Mental Health Foundation's website around how someone improved their mental health after their suicide attempt. 

    I can imagine that it's quite normal for traumatic memories to resurface after a suicide attempt, as you're bound to be feeling a mix of different emotions and you may still be processing what's happened. I hope that this is something your GP will be able to talk through with you.
    Also, how do you trust yourself again? 
    Would you mind explaining a little more about what you mean by this?
    National Campaigns Officer, she/her

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  • Waylay
    Waylay Community member, Scope Member Posts: 973 Pioneering
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    Hi @Tori_Scope I just got your email, thank you. I really appreciate the support. 

    By not trusting myself, I mean that before this I would feel suicidal, but a bigger part of me wanted to live, so I was always safe. Now I know that at least once, most of me wanted to die, and I didn't seek help, I didn't stop. What if that happens again? I don't feel like I can be safe alone. This has happened before, but not with the clarity, the absolute certainty that dying was the right choice. I don't recognise that version of me.
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,505 Disability Gamechanger
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    To anyone else reading this thread who may be experiencing suicidal thoughts or feelings, here are some resources you may find helpful:

    Please remember that you should call 999 or visit A&E in the case of an emergency, including if you feel unable to keep yourself safe.
    National Campaigns Officer, she/her

    Sign our petition calling on politicians to stop demonising us
  • Waylay
    Waylay Community member, Scope Member Posts: 973 Pioneering
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  • Waylay
    Waylay Community member, Scope Member Posts: 973 Pioneering
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    Yes, please, to anyone else who may be feeling this way, I'm so glad I didn't die now. Please give yourself the chance to feel the same.
  • Waylay
    Waylay Community member, Scope Member Posts: 973 Pioneering
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    @Tori_Scope thank you for what you said about traumatic memories. That does make sense. It helps.
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,505 Disability Gamechanger
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    Apologies @Waylay, I hadn't refreshed the thread when I posted those comments. 
    By not trusting myself, I mean that before this I would feel suicidal, but a bigger part of me wanted to live, so I was always safe. Now I know that at least once, most of me wanted to die, and I didn't seek help, I didn't stop. What if that happens again? I don't feel like I can be safe alone. This has happened before, but not with the clarity, the absolute certainty that dying was the right choice. I don't recognise that version of me.
    I understand what you mean by this now. It makes a lot of sense. I think, from my view, the important thing now will be working out what might have changed, and working on implementing techniques to help you avoid being in that frame of mind again in the future. Does that make sense? Through learning techniques to change your thoughts processes, challenge negative thoughts you have, and tackle some of the deeper causes of your feelings, you should hopefully be able move forward in a positive direction. This often involves learning how to pick up on the early signs of when those thoughts and feeling might be creeping back in, for example. I hope that this can be a catalyst for positive change for you, despite how difficult it must be right now.

    I'll be off for the evening shortly, but members of the team will be around tomorrow if you need to chat, as well as our lovely members of course!

    P.S. @woodbine, you're not in any trouble, but I've removed a small detail from your comment. This is because we don't allow details of suicide attempts to be posted on the community, for the safety of all members.
    National Campaigns Officer, she/her

    Sign our petition calling on politicians to stop demonising us
  • woodbine
    woodbine Community member Posts: 11,832 Disability Gamechanger
    edited November 2021
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    @Tori_Scope yes sorry I understand that and didn't realise what I was saying in that respect.

    @Waylay I understand exactly what you mean about not trusting yourself, I even had the thought (rightly or wrongly) that those who loved me didn't trust me either as for quite a long time after I was rarely if ever left alone for more than 10 minutes.

    I think that suicide is one of the last taboos in our society and yet it's the largest cause of death for men between the ages of 25 and 45 (I think I have that correct)  :'(

    2024 The year of the general election...the time for change is coming 💡

  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    edited November 2021
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    I have many memories of surviving, twice I remember feeling a great relief that I hadn’t died and approached life afterwards with a sense of play, of fun having virtually purged myself of negativity. I still have a sense of that and it helps me to see life for what I think it is...all in the mind. I can choose to play with it anytime I like or take it terribly seriously but all as I wish. 

    These days i want the story to go on, I want to know the whole story and how it naturally ends, knowing now that I am to a great extent the author of it all.

    To others I say live on and write your story with a flourish.

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • Waylay
    Waylay Community member, Scope Member Posts: 973 Pioneering
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    Thank you @Tori_Scope and @woodbine, and @leeCal .

    You all make so much sense, and I feel heard and understood. After decades of dealing with my MH issues, I thought I knew the territory, knew how to cope. This change will require new learning, understanding... New ways of coping. I may or may not have mentioned that I have an amazing therapist. I have to tell her about my attempt tomorrow, and I'm afraid of losing her, but really, she's stuck with me through so much that I suspect it'll be OK. 

    I'm just so tired. I don't have the energy to learn new stuff right now. Luckily, my partner will be taking care of me as of tomorrow morning, so I'll have time to recover, then help to learn. How lucky am I? I'm lucky to have this place too. Ty.

    Will update.
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,505 Disability Gamechanger
    edited April 2022
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    I'm glad to hear that you have a therapist @Waylay :) I suspect that it'll be okay when you tell her, too. It's best to be honest, and see what she says. She shouldn't leave you in the dark or spring anything on you, either, so hopefully it'll be a useful, open, and honest conversation between the two of you. I hope that she'll be able to support you in learning about and understanding these new ways of coping. 

    Yes, give yourself some time to recover and unwind a little. I hope you find it comforting to be with your partner, and that they're able to look after you a bit. 

    Please do continue to post here whenever you need. 
    National Campaigns Officer, she/her

    Sign our petition calling on politicians to stop demonising us
  • Waylay
    Waylay Community member, Scope Member Posts: 973 Pioneering
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    Thank you all. Still here.
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,505 Disability Gamechanger
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    That's good to hear @Waylay :) How have things been?
    National Campaigns Officer, she/her

    Sign our petition calling on politicians to stop demonising us
  • ProudMumForever
    ProudMumForever Community member Posts: 235 Pioneering
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    @Waylay , im glad to hear you are safe and that you have support . Hopefully you have people you can talk to,when you are ready to. 
    I respect your honesty and im hoping by posting your story that it helps you first and foremost, and others who may also be going through the same. Take care .
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