Sister always asking for money

Thea

Hello, 
I don't know where else to turn or who to talk to about this, so sorry if this is the wrong place. 
My sister is always asking for money after quitting her job to focus on university. She spends all her student loans in less than a month and expects me to help with half her rent almost every month. I'm trying to save for a flat deposit, but she sees it as I have money just sitting in the bank, while I could be helping her more.
She refuses to pay it back as "I don't really need it" I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying so hard and have been doing really well with budgeting and not spending on myself, but it just makes me feel like I'm being pulled backwards. 

janer1967

Hi and welcome to the community 

My advice is this has to stop but I would have a conversation explain the reasons why . So your sister can plan and isnt left in rent arrears I would say you will help her out for the next month but then after that she has to fend for herself . She will have to look for work or budget better 

Alex_Alumni

Hello @Thea thanks for reaching out. It's clear you care a lot for your sister, but it's equally important that you can care for yourself too. I can offer my advice, based on my own experiences of having difficult conversations, and a method I've used in the past. It has worked for me, but may not work for everyone.

I think arranging a conversation would be a good idea, to explain that what you've got to say is difficult, and may be difficult to hear.

Before you start the conversation put down some ground rules, e.g. no interruptions, listen to each other, sit face to face. Mention that you've noticed this behaviour happening for a while now, and explain how it has impacted on you. Ask her how she feels about that impact, and then if you can, suggest what you would like to happen moving forward. E.g. "It would really help if/Do you think you could try planning a monthly/weekly budget?"

Doing this will help you to finish the conversation by setting expectations clearly, so that you both know what has happened and why it must now change. Once these expectations have been agreed upon, thank her for listening and understanding, don't allow for further questions, and leave the room if you can.

It can be nerve-wracking to begin with, but as long as you listen to each other, and help her to know that she has a responsibility to manage her own budget and finances then it will really help you to get used to setting boundaries in the future.

Another thing I could suggest is asking if she could contact student support services at the University, who I'm sure would be able to assist her with advice on learning how to budget independently.

I hope that's useful for you, but please do let me know if you're still unsure of anything.

Alex

Alex_Alumni

I also wanted to share a few useful resources which you could pass on to your sister:

• A UCAS Budget Calculator
• Advice on useful budgeting tips from UCAS
• Money Helper's advice on student money

If you feel we could offer any other support for yourself, please don't hesitate to say.

Tori_Scope

Hi @Thea I just wanted to check in with you to see how you've been doing since you made this post. How have things been? Have you managed to speak to your sister at all? 

Nicetomeetyou22

Hi @Thea sorry that you have been put in this situation this is 1 of the reasons I fell out with my sister nearly 3 years ago now even though I have 6 children to look after 3 whom have complex needs she would always ask me for money 💰  but she never used to pay me back so in the end I cut all ties with her and come to think of it that's only reason why she would call me for money she never asked how her nieces and nephews were or nothing I'm afraid you have got to just say NO and start thinking about yourself you are not a bank sweetie I do hope you find a way out of this situation takecare 

Thea

Thanks everyone! I spoke to her on the phone and told her not to ask for money as I won't be able to help her anymore. She started crying and now I feel so bad, I don't want this to ruin our relationship 😞

Nicetomeetyou22

@Thea you have to think of yourself you have your own life to lead I'm pleased I told my sister no when I did it just goes to show family members can be funny at times but well done to you by saying no and standing your ground I'm so proud of you and don't feel bad about it either ❤  sending you virtual hugs ❤ 

Thea

@Nicetomeetyou22 Thank you so much 🥰

Nicetomeetyou22

@Thea your very welcome 🙏

Alex_Alumni

Well done for giving your sister a call @Thea it must have been a difficult conversation for you both, but you've taken the right step for yourself. Hopefully after a little while, your sister will understand why you cannot keep giving her money without being paid back.

Did you manage to share any of the resources to help with budgeting with her? If she's open to help, it may well soften the blow so to speak.