Its Friday.......Jokes

JustPete
JustPete Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 303 Empowering
in Coffee lounge
If you are sitting near a Smart Device like Alexa/Google (other brands available), ask it to tell you a joke and post here.  The quality of joke has no reflection on you!  I will start.

"How did the kangaroo steal the car?..........She jump-started it"

Comments

  • MarkM88
    MarkM88 Online Community Member Posts: 3,119 Connected
    Knock Knock
    Whos there? 
    Boo
    Boo who? 
    Don’t cry it’s only a joke 
  • Pa1n
    Pa1n Online Community Member Posts: 10 Connected

    Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.

    He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

  • Pa1n
    Pa1n Online Community Member Posts: 10 Connected

    Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

    Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

    Billy replies: "In the car."

    "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

  • Pa1n
    Pa1n Online Community Member Posts: 10 Connected

    An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

    "Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."

    Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"

  • Pa1n
    Pa1n Online Community Member Posts: 10 Connected

    Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

    "Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

    The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

    "That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

    Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

  • JustPete
    JustPete Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 303 Empowering
    You put my Alexa to shame!!!!!!  
  • leeCal
    leeCal Online Community Member Posts: 7,537 Championing
    Frank Carson (Irish comedian) goes to a hardware store and says
    ”have you got any nails?”
    the assistant says “how long do you want them?
    Frank says “forever.”
  • xavier
    xavier Online Community Member Posts: 3 Listener
    What troubles do Ghosts have throughout the whole week?
    Saturday fright fever.

    Why couldn’t I go to a dumpling party on Saturday morning?
    I had to work on Friday night.

    What do ghosts like to do on a Saturday night?
    Boogie!

    Credits: Saturday
  • Karen7788
    Karen7788 Scope Member Posts: 596 Empowering
    Friends who haven’t seen each other for years meet in the street.

    1st man “ Hi, how are you, are you still working?”

    2nd man “ Yes, I’m working as a spy”

    1st man “ A spy, then why are you dressed up as a shepherd?”

    2nd man “ I’m a shepherds pie “

  • Teigr
    Teigr Online Community Member Posts: 5,079 Championing
    My dog's just blown up his kennel.

    He's a Yorkshire terrorist.
  • leeCal
    leeCal Online Community Member Posts: 7,537 Championing
    edited August 2022
    What do you call a sheep who hates Christmas?
    (press bar to find out)
    Baaaa humbug!

    Two workmen go in to a pub, sit down and start eating their own sandwiches. The publican spots this and says “oi, you can't eat your own food in here!”
    So the two workmen swap sandwiches.
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,471 Championing
    What kind of device are you using @Biblioklept? 

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