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Its Friday.......Jokes

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JustPete
JustPete Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 303 Pioneering
If you are sitting near a Smart Device like Alexa/Google (other brands available), ask it to tell you a joke and post here.  The quality of joke has no reflection on you!  I will start.

"How did the kangaroo steal the car?..........She jump-started it"
I am a Scope Community Volunteer Adviser with knowledge of "life"!  Lived experience including employing personal assistants, being gay, sport & leisure inclusion & participation, mental health issues.  

What is the bravest thing you've ever said? asked the boy. 'Help,' said the horse.  'Asking for help isn't giving up,' said the horse. 'It's refusing to give up.”

Comments

  • MarkM88
    MarkM88 Community member Posts: 3,127 Connected
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    Knock Knock
    Whos there? 
    Boo
    Boo who? 
    Don’t cry it’s only a joke 
  • woodbine
    woodbine Community member Posts: 12,115 Disability Gamechanger
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    one from my 8 year old grandson:

    Why should you never trust stairs?

    They’re always up to something.

    2024 Election won

  • Pa1n
    Pa1n Community member Posts: 10 Listener
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    Two Irishmen were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the car's indicators are working.

    He promptly sticks his head out the window and says: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no."

  • Pa1n
    Pa1n Community member Posts: 10 Listener
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    Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

    Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

    Billy replies: "In the car."

    "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

  • Pa1n
    Pa1n Community member Posts: 10 Listener
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    An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

    "Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."

    Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"

  • Pa1n
    Pa1n Community member Posts: 10 Listener
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    Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

    "Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.

    The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

    "That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

    Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

  • JustPete
    JustPete Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 303 Pioneering
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    You put my Alexa to shame!!!!!!  
    I am a Scope Community Volunteer Adviser with knowledge of "life"!  Lived experience including employing personal assistants, being gay, sport & leisure inclusion & participation, mental health issues.  

    What is the bravest thing you've ever said? asked the boy. 'Help,' said the horse.  'Asking for help isn't giving up,' said the horse. 'It's refusing to give up.”
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
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    Frank Carson (Irish comedian) goes to a hardware store and says
    ”have you got any nails?”
    the assistant says “how long do you want them?
    Frank says “forever.”

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • xavier
    xavier Community member Posts: 3 Listener
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    What troubles do Ghosts have throughout the whole week?
    Saturday fright fever.

    Why couldn’t I go to a dumpling party on Saturday morning?
    I had to work on Friday night.

    What do ghosts like to do on a Saturday night?
    Boogie!

    Credits: Saturday
  • Karen7788
    Karen7788 Scope Member Posts: 598 Pioneering
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    Friends who haven’t seen each other for years meet in the street.

    1st man “ Hi, how are you, are you still working?”

    2nd man “ Yes, I’m working as a spy”

    1st man “ A spy, then why are you dressed up as a shepherd?”

    2nd man “ I’m a shepherds pie “

  • Teigr
    Teigr Community member Posts: 4,091 Disability Gamechanger
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    My dog's just blown up his kennel.

    He's a Yorkshire terrorist.
  • leeCal
    leeCal Community member Posts: 7,550 Disability Gamechanger
    edited August 2022
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    What do you call a sheep who hates Christmas?
    (press bar to find out)
    Baaaa humbug!

    Two workmen go in to a pub, sit down and start eating their own sandwiches. The publican spots this and says “oi, you can't eat your own food in here!”
    So the two workmen swap sandwiches.

    “This is my simple religion. No need for temples. No need for complicated philosophy. Your own mind, your own heart is the temple. Your philosophy is simple kindness.” 
    ― Dalai Lama XIV

  • Biblioklept
    Biblioklept Community member Posts: 4,995 Disability Gamechanger
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    leeCal said:
    What do you call a sheep who hates Christmas?
    (press bar to find out)
    Baaaa humbug!

    Two workmen go in to a pub, sit down and start eating their own sandwiches. The publican spots this and says “oi, you can't eat your own food in here!”
    So the two workmen swap sandwiches.
    How do you do the press the bar to reveal spoiler message? 

  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Posts: 12,499 Disability Gamechanger
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    What kind of device are you using @Biblioklept

    National Campaigns Officer at Scope, she/her

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