Kid refusing to go to school.

Popdiva43

Good morning, well for me it isn't, my 15 year old son is blatantly refusing to go to school, I'm sat here this morning crying, as I suffer from depression and a disability that affects me, so don't have strength or will power to do anything, my son does suffer from anxiety, and states his being bullied, but won't tell me who by, I'm already being summoned to court next month because of this. The school just keep saying your child needs to be in school and I say I know that, don't you think I'm bloody trying. It's like they don't care about me trying, they say or we'll you will go to court and be fined or go to prison, I'm at my wits end with this and I've had enough. 

Popdiva43

Oh and sorry but my son refuses to talk to anyone. 

Tori_Scope

Hi @Popdiva43 This sounds like a really stressful situation for you both. I'm sorry to hear that the school doesn't appear to be helping, as I imagine that'll be making things worse.

This isn't something I've gone through myself, but I found the following pages online, which may be of use:

• How do I deal with school refusal? (Action for Children)
• Help with getting your child to go to school (gov.uk)
• Child being bullied at school? (Scope)

The gov.uk mentions that the local council can sometimes work with you to improve your child's attendance. Have you tried speaking to them? Maybe that'd be a good place to start?

Oh and sorry but my son refuses to talk to anyone. 

Do you mind me asking who you mean by 'anyone'? It's quite normal for people, especially teenagers, to be resistant to speaking about their mental health. If speaking to a GP or counsellor seems like too much at the moment, perhaps he could benefit from using an online service designed for young people? I've put some below:

• Childline
• YoungMinds
• Papyrus
• The Mix

Do you mind me asking whether you're currently receiving any support for your mental health at the moment? I'm sure this must be taking a toll on you, and it's important that you look after yourself, as well as your son. 

Popdiva43

Good morning all again, my son is refusing again to go to school,I want to know if I can legally take him out and have he home schooled, already looked up companies that would help, his anxiety is through the roof, and my mental health really isn't good. The school are saying I'm not trying hard enough, what is not hard enough,I wake him up at 6.30am,tell him to get ready, tell me to go away but not in a polite way, even when I managed to have a meeting with the school, all they said was young man you have to come into school and that's, that or your mum is going to get into trouble, (which I already am got court hearing in 3 weeks) , and my mental and physical health really isn't good, so I know if I don't go they are going to go against me,I physically can't force him to go in, and I'm the one being punished for God damn trying.Ive tried to get my son to talk to someone about how he feels but he won't. Please help, I want him to have an education but not at the expense of his mental wellbeing, or mine. 

Tori_Scope

I'm sorry that this is ongoing @Popdiva43. Here's a gov.uk page on homeschooling, which has some information about getting the process started, as well as advice on homeschooling. 

I can only imagine how daunting the prospect of your hearing in a few weeks is. It looks as though there are a few different possible outcomes, some of which look more positive than others. This gov.uk page states that legal action can include:

• a Parenting Order

• an Education Supervision Order

• a School Attendance Order

• a fine (sometimes known as a ‘penalty notice’)

I've also come across a charity called Not Fine in School, who seem to have some really fantastic advice and support on their website. 

bexter73

Hi. 

I’ve had a school refuser and you have my sympathies as I know how difficult and upsetting it is. 

In my case my daughter is ASD and had very bad anxiety. I couldn’t get her even down the path to the car let alone into school, she’s as big as me!. How are we physically supposed to get them there if they won’t go!?. I asked the local authority for an inclusion officer who was great!. She got threats of fines stopped while we found the best solution for my daughter. We were awaiting an appointment from camhs for the anxiety but waiting list was ridiculous. So I was advised by inclusion officer to ask my gp for a sick note for school while we waited. And she also pushed the school to send work home. I got my daughter a tutor too and found lots of support online in home school forums to keep her work up to date. 

Hope some of my story helps a bit. 

Best of luck x

Popdiva43

@bexter73, I'm so sorry you've also gone through what I'm going through, I had a phone discussion with a doctor, about my son, he did want to talk my son but refused, I ws crying down the phone about my sons attendance for school, and the words out of his mouth were, "he needs to be in school and that's that". No god damn help what so ever, I have my sons head of year ringing me today after school, and I know there going to be an argument,because I do take my youngest to school, she only has time off when she's ill, so I do want my kids to have an education, but in the teachers eyes, I'm the one keeping him off, which is so untrue. 

bexter73

Oh gosh what a disgusting attitude from your doctor!. Good luck with the phone call later. All these schools seem to care about us attendance, don’t give a **** about why the child isn’t able to be in school. 

Hope it goes ok x

Popdiva43

@bexter73, managed to get hold of school admissions for where I live, explained the situation and she was very lovely and helpful, going to get someone to ring me about the choice of homeschooling my son. 

bexter73

Oh great! 😁

Tori_Scope

That's good @Popdiva43 Fingers crossed the next call will be as positive. How does your son feel about the possibility of homeschooling?

Popdiva43

Tori_scope that is what he has wanted,but I didn't think it would be allowed, as school never mentioned the possibility of my son being able to be home schooled. 

Tori_Scope

I see @Popdiva43 The gov.uk page I pointed you towards before says:

If your child is currently at school, you should tell the school if you plan to educate them at home. The school must accept if you’re taking your child out completely. They can refuse if you want to send your child to school some of the time.

If your child is attending school because of a school attendance order, you must get permission from your local council before you can educate them at home.

It was more tailored towards home learning during lockdown, but you may find our blog post on a teacher's top tips for home learning helpful to read. 

Let us know how the phone call goes!

Popdiva43

Well what can I say, the school never bloody called me, but a guy from the council did, but missed the call, so he left a message stating he was going to call me Monday, regarding homeschooling for my son, so there are people that care, just not the main one which makes me angry. 

bexter73

@Popdiva43 typical of schools! The amount of times I’d call begging for a call back that never came. I know teachers are busy but honestly!. 

Hope you can relax a bit over the weekend. And the call Monday goes ok 

Popdiva43

Here we go again, my son is calling me all the names under the sun,blantely refusing to go to school,and no the school still haven't rung me from last week, did have a call yesterday from a lady wanting to make an appointment for son, who was referred by doctor, so that's something positive, and was told if an problems with me son, to ring them and they would help, at least someone wants to help us and not just fob us off, as like we are nothing. 

bexter73

Oh no. It’s relentless isn’t it. Try not to take his name calling to heart, he’s just scared and angry right now. 

I used to ring the school then send an email saying I’ve called and would like a reply asap so I always had evidence that I did try and get in contact. 

I wonder if the lady who called was camhs, fingers crossed it is because they can liaise with school too (they did in my case). 

L_Volunteer

These sound like really difficult and frustrating situations @Popdiva43 and @bexter73. Though as you rightly say, there are thankfully individuals within the system who care.

How did the call back with the council go for you @Popdiva43? We are here for you if you would like to share more with us.

Good luck with the appointment with the lady for your son. It sounds like they are wanting to be helpful so let’s hope they are helpful.

You are definitely much more than nothing! You are wonderful and so is your son. Ultimately, you are both humans and deserve respect.

Good tips @bexter73 based on your own experiences, thank you for sharing them. I hope they are useful. How are you finding things now?   

bexter73

@L_Volunteer my daughter has been in an alternative provision unit for children with ASD/adhd for a year now. She’s very happy and settled. Managed to catch up on the year she was completely out of education thankfully 

Alex_Alumni

That's really positive to hear @bexter73 it's so important that children feel happy and comfortable in whatever setting they are learning in  

Popdiva43

Good morning everyone, well today is the day I go to court about my son, my anxiety is going through the roof, I'm in alot my pain today, but I'm going, I want to put my side across to them, so please everyone keep your fingers crossed for me, I will let you know the outcome later on today.