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Exhausted

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Rin1472
Rin1472 Community member Posts: 58 Courageous
Hello,

 Does anyone else ever feel so exhausted with life?

My beautiful children are my absolute world and make my soul smile, but my mind is a dark place. I see them dying in my head. I check they are still breathing at night. I feel terrified almost daily. I’m scared of so much and I don’t like socialising. But I love going on adventures with my children, painting, colouring and writing. There is a massive fight in my mind between seeing the beauty in every little thing and the darkness at the same time. 

I’m not suicidal and have no plans to harm myself. I’d choose to suffer my whole life rather than allow my children to have to experience their mothers suicide like I had to. But I do think ‘what is the point’ sometimes. 

I think I’m permanently damaged and this is just my experience of life now. I’m not depressed and still take joy in much of life. I’ve just suffered so much trauma that it’s hard to not feel afraid. I get support, but I don’t think I can be ‘fixed’.

I lost my dad in February 21 to covid. I still very much needed him, but I’m only now just feeling any pain from his death. I held his hand on the Covid ICU while he was ventilated and in a coma. I wrapped his fingers around mine to pretend he held my hand back, but I couldn’t even feel his skin through all the PPE. Every day I hear the words of the nurse echoing ‘he’s gone’. I told the mental health specialist this yesterday, and even she was holding back tears. 

Anyway, I’ll stop rambling, but will share with you all a poem I wrote. Feel free to share your own poetry here. I love reading creative writing. <3


Dad, we weren’t ready for you to go. 

You were supposed to get better and heal. 

How can we live in a world without you?

We must be dreaming, because this can’t be real.


There are no words for the pain in our hearts. 

A piece of them went with you. 

We wish we could tell you again how much you meant to us. 

How can this situation be true?


You were the hero to four little girls. 

You inspired us and made us strong. 

We’re grown now, but you were still our world. 

That you’ve been taken just feels so wrong. 


We’ll never be the same without you. 

But you showed us what it means to be brave. 

We promise that we’ll continue to make you proud. 

The best parts of you we will save. 


Please don’t make us say goodbye?

That you’re gone we can’t believe. 

We will never stop loving you dad. 

We wish you didn’t have to leave. 


28/09/1959 - 26/02/2021

Comments

  • Alex_Alumni
    Alex_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,562 Disability Gamechanger
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    Hello @Rin1472 and well done for reaching out here on the community, and sharing your poem with us.

    I'm sure anyone who has experienced a bereavement, particularly during the pandemic, can really resonate with the feelings you've expressed. They are certainly heartfelt, and I'm very sorry for your losses.

    Have you spoken to your GP, or any other support services about the worries and thoughts you are having about your children? 

    We'd like to support you as much as we can with how you are feeling, so please keep an eye out for an email from community@scope.org.uk a little later, as I know you prefer to communicate by text and email.

    I hope you are finding the community a supportive space, and please do ask if we can help with anything further :)
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  • Rin1472
    Rin1472 Community member Posts: 58 Courageous
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    Hello @Rin1472 and well done for reaching out here on the community, and sharing your poem with us.

    I'm sure anyone who has experienced a bereavement, particularly during the pandemic, can really resonate with the feelings you've expressed. They are certainly heartfelt, and I'm very sorry for your losses.

    Have you spoken to your GP, or any other support services about the worries and thoughts you are having about your children? 

    We'd like to support you as much as we can with how you are feeling, so please keep an eye out for an email from community@scope.org.uk a little later, as I know you prefer to communicate by text and email.

    I hope you are finding the community a supportive space, and please do ask if we can help with anything further :)
    I mentioned the thoughts about my kids at the assessment yesterday, and was told it sounded like a completely normal response after so much trauma and significant losses. I have to wait a little while for the outcome of that assessment, but she did mention trying some new medications.

    I actually spent years worrying the same things about my dad, so when he died, I’d already watched him die 1000 times in my head in various ways. It’s not such a new thing unfortunately. 
  • Alex_Alumni
    Alex_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,562 Disability Gamechanger
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    I'm pleased to hear you've done an assessment @Rin1472 and that you can follow up by looking into new medications too. 

    I'm sorry to hear that the thoughts you're having aren't new, but hopefully having access to talking therapy, the support of your GP, and of the community here can help you to understand and manage them moving forward. 

    We're here to listen and support you in whatever way you need :) It was great to see your artwork on the forum too, I hope it's helpful to share it.
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    Scope

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  • Karen7788
    Karen7788 Scope Member Posts: 598 Pioneering
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    When the dark clouds hang over,
    as though the light will never come.
    See the sun through your children's eyes,
    just as your beloved Dad would have done.

    You come across a a really loving, caring mum @Rin1472
    I often say that we don’t know what worry is until we have children ourselves. My children, all grown now, are the joy of my life, I still worry about them as much as they worry about me.
    I’m so very sorry for your loss and the pain that comes with it. I hope that you can start to smile when you think of your Dad and that you get strength from his love. 


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