Terminally ill Mum

MobileGames

Trigger warning. Mentions terminal illness. Morning. How are you all? Long post coming up. My sister is bossy,manipulative and invalidating when it comes to our terminally ill mum. I'm the one who empties the sick bowl,gets her on and off the commode,checks her blood sugars,keeps her cool,hands her her medicines,orders the medicines,gets what little food and drink that she can stomach,checks that her driver doesn't dangle in the commode. When my sister comes over she's loud,can be argumentative to do with mandates being lifted,fiddles with her mask and drops it down,showing her nose,is bossy,says "ew" when our Mum's sick,doesn't know how to check her blood sugar and moans about life in general. Mum said that she doesn't want her over.

The last time she came(Saturday August the 13th),she took Mum downstairs whilst I went out to see a few friends for an hour,wearing a mask,and she had to stay downstairs in the evening because she couldn't climb the stairs! I said that she'd have to sleep in her chair. She went on the sofa and fell off it. I rang rapid response,they said to ring 999. I rang them and they said that there could be up to a six hour wait. I got my sister to come over,who said she'd tested herself and didn't wear a mask. She couldn't get her up either. She propped her up against a chair,with a pillow behind her back. My brother in law kept an eye on the chair. Our mum was sick 3 times because of the exertion. The paramedics came at 3.20pm. We waited 3 hours and 20 minutes. This could've been avoided. She had the cheek to say to me "We can't let her go downstairs anymore." It was her,not me.

A hospital bed came on Monday the 15th of August. My Mum is a double up with the carers now. They wash her in bed or on the commode now. They change her pull on pants because she's incontinent both ends. They cream her bottom and legs,and brush her hair. The district nurses come every day and the doctor pops in once a week. My sister came over to relieve me for an hour and all she did was cause problems. I had Mum upstairs for a reason,for her safety.

Fast forward to Saturday the 20th,i rung to ask  her if she could come over for a bit whilst I saw my friends for an hour. I said that she'd need to wear a mask to enter the house, leave the house and be near Mum. "Yesss!"  She replied. So I said that Mum is very ill,it's important. She said "I know,stop going on about it." She got arsey with me so I said "Don't bother coming over until you can wear a mask properly." and hung up on her. Since Monday,she's text me twice after calming down from her hissy fit,asking how Mum is. I said that she hasn't been sick for 4 days. She said that that's good and to tell her she said hello. Mum said she can't be doing with her at the moment,finds it tiring chatting to her,she's bossy,loud and that she could wear a mask and to wear one properly,but gets funny about it. I feel mean for not having her over,but Mum is seriously ill with cancer. Thanks for reading. 

ShirleyW

Whilst not defending your sister at all perhaps she is finding it difficult to deal with Mum's terminal illness.  

You are obviously coping well and doing a fantastic job.  Would it possible for someone other than the two of you to look after Mum for an afternoon?  Then perhaps you could both have a chat together and discuss the problems and fears you both have.

My own Mum died over 5 years ago.  When she received her cancer diagnosis she was told she had less than 6 months left.  There were 3 of us siblings and we had a rota for looking after her, as well as the various carers and medical staff coming in.  

It's a very difficult time and I know that the 3 of us reacted in totally different ways but we tried not to have any arguments.

MillieMay

Can a local hospice help at all, they sometimes provide community help.
I am sorry about your mum, hope you’ve got some support to.

MobileGames

@Teddybear12. Thank you. I've rung them and done an online chat,but they aren't that helpful. The district nurses,the doctor and social services are helpful. 

MobileGames

@ShirleyW. Thank you. My sister can help a bit during the 6 weeks holiday and other holidays,and on a Saturday,but then she's at work. Her husband has cancer too so I don't want to put too much on her. I have a routine and stick to it. In the morning I help her on and off commode,check her blood sugars,hand her her tablets,such as blood pressure,one to stop the bleeding,ant acid,underactive thyroid,etc,give her 1/2 a weetabix with milk and a drink and put the fan on. The carers wash,change her pad,dress her,cream her legs and bottom, brush her hair and empty the commode. At lunchtime check her blood sugars,help her on and off the commode if she needs it,hand her a tablet,get her some soup or a boiled egg and a drink and hand her her insulin. At tea time check her blood sugars and get her a boiled egg or soup and a drink. After the carers have gone,who empty the commode and reposition her  in the evening,I check her blood sugars,hand her her tablets,her Enoxaparin   injection and a drink. My Sister said that she'll wear a mask because Mum needs protecting. I hung up on her last Saturday. I had to to make my point. I don't think she thought I'd do that,but I had to because she wasn't taking Mum's illness seriously. 

MobileGames

@MilleyMay. Thank you. They ring,but don't really do much,only when Dad was dying,who died six months ago and they were with him. They shaved his face,changed his pull on pants and comforted him and set up a driver,which should've gone in sooner than that. 

MobileGames

@Teddybear12. Thank you. 

L_Volunteer

@MobileGames How have things been for you more recently? I appreciate it has been a little while since you last posted on this thread now.

I want to make sure you have access to the support you need and deserve but I am aware that things might have changed since.

Please don't hesitate to let us know if we can do anything to help. We are all here for you