Hard Times adjusting.

Gadget9616

Hello all,
I have no one to talk to about this, so I thought I'd put it out there, in the hope someone could guide me. 
Like the title says, I'm having a bit of a hard time, with my 11 year old. He wants the life his friends have. He is starting to push boundaries, break rules & has developed this lovely "I don't know, I don't care" attitude. I know it's just the growing process, it's just constant. I am struggling with my own condition and I'm trying to be a good mom. How do I control a child that is hell bent on ignoring my rules when they are there for a reason? 

claregrace

I am a mother of three adult children . This is my point of view, please feel free to disagree, there is no instruction booklet! Firstly don't panic, this is normal and natural. At this age your son is just at the start of learning to think for himself and make choices. That's a good thing. You want them to have a strong personality! I think the trick is to help them make the right choices. So pick your battles. Children have limited experience of life so don't understand what bad things can happen. I found that explaining possible outcomes of different choices really help. The child gets to think through what the implications of their actions are. Explain that you are on their side and want to help them make good choices, you are not the enemy you want them to succeed at what is important to them. Look at life from their point of view and find out why they want to do something yiu don't agree with. I used to give my children lifts just so I can get them alone ti talk through whats going on with their lives. Being a parent is tough but I found compassion, talking and helping them achieve what's important to them got me through  most things. Your son may have hit upon a nerve with you that he wants the life his friends have. Ignore that totally. He has got a fantastic mum who loves him dearly   Lucky boy. You can always see someone better off or worse off. Thats a life lesson he needs to learn, to be happy  and gratefulwith what you have got. Hope this helps.

Tori_Scope

Thank you for sharing that with us @claregrace I hope it's been helpful for you to read, @Gadget9616! I'm sure that you're not the only one in this situation.

We've had another member, @ikonik, post about something similar recently, though their son is a bit older than yours. I'm wondering whether you two might like to connect?

leeCal

I gave my children boundaries when they were young which meant that they were quite well behaved as teenagers. Having said that I have found that they keep in touch with my partner, their mother, far far more than with me, so I guess there’s a price to pay one way or the other. ☹️

Apart from that that I can’t offer any more help but claregraces advice sounds good to me.

Gadget9616

Thank you for your advice, and yes it would be great to connect with another parent going through something similar. 

I did give him boundaries when he was younger, and he has always been a good kid. Lately the attitude has changed and things have taken a turn. I was diagnosed a few years ago with Ushers and obviously being progressive, things have to change as my sight does. The conflict is I'm trying to focus on myself and learning how to adapt, at the same time he is growing up. It's two sets of very big emotions clashing!! I have always tried to include him, I never want him to feel pushed out. Yesterday was a weak moment for me, I'd just fell over his shoes for the third time this week and caught myself on the bookcase. This attitude seems to erupt when I'm having  bad day, or maybe I'm taking it a bit too much to heart? I was told an awful lot about how I need to adjust/adapt and come to terms with my sight loss, but no body ever mentioned how my son would feel? 

SueHeath

To be honest with you @Gadget9616 a lot of this sounds normal for your son's age group ie leaving things lying on the floor, i know the big difference is your sight but teens don't always think like that - do you think you might put a lot on him by reminding him of your issue - only a honest thought from me, so please don't take offence.

Gadget9616

Hi, @SueHeath
No offense taken

I know it's all normal for his age, however this isn't a normal household.. I try never to put pressure on him when it comes to my sight loss, however it is hard when I'm in pain or injured from falling/tripping over badly placed items (this includes the stairs as I went over on a book in the middle of a step!) my home is meant to be a safe space for both of us. 
I'm trying my hardest to balance his needs and my own, it requires compromise from both sides and all I get is "I don't care" or "well XXX doesn't have to do that, so why should I do it?" 
Some days are harder than others, as I'm sure every parent can agree too. I wrote the original post on a hard day for me.

I feel I should mention, I don't exactly require a lot from him. just simple stuff like move his things, keep the walkways clear and placement of things in certain areas (kitchen mainly!) x

Geoark

Hi @Gadget9616 to state the obvious first I am sure he does care. While you do not ask a lot off him, to be fair the situation he is in does mean there is more being asked of him. For example he will need to be more safety conscious than many of his friends. 

The problem is if the focus is on consequences when he does things wrong there is a big chance that other areas are going to be ignored. With everything going on he may not want to share his own emotions or thoughts, or even know how to begin to do so. While it can be a bit of a postal code lottery there are charities out there that offer mentoring opportunities to children facing difficult situations. If there is nothing local to you consider talking to his school to see if there is something they can do. 

What I will say is that children are incredibly resilient and it often amazes me how well they do adapt to changes, even if it does take a little while.

Something I found and it can be difficult, is when these sort of things happen it easy to be frustrated or even angry, it can be more beneficial to not say anything until you calm down. It can be less confrontational and gives you time to consider how to approach it in a much calmer way.

I hope things change soon for you both, as would hate to see it happen after a serious fall and injury.

janer1967

My son at 10 when I became disabled and un wheelchair had to adjust with me as I was single parent 

2 years later I became blind in one eye and very.limired vision in other 

He accepts I need help with certain tasks not that he has to do much but he enjoys the responsibility and independence it has forced him into 

We talk a lot and it may not be the right thing but he is rewarded with spending money and treats after all I'm saving gov by not having a carer and if he was older 15 now he would get paid for being a carer 

elahrairah

its very difficult setting boundaries but they are absolutely necessary and youre doing well by trying to be consistant and having reasonable expectations that are enforced.  kids always push against boundaries, but they need them in order to feel safe and protected, even as they try to avoid and evade them.  unfortunately this doesn't make them easier to live with!

L_Volunteer

@Gadget9616 How have things been for you more recently? I appreciate it has been a little while since you last posted on this thread now.

I want to make sure you have access to the support you need and deserve but I am also aware that things might have changed since.

Please don't hesitate to let us know if we can do anything else to support you. We are all here for you 

Mummabecks07

I am having the same issues with my 13 year old daughter she is acting up in school the whole term she's been suspended the back for a few days then suspended again i have always had rules in place and if broken their are consequences but she does not care what I punishment she gets or may get she's bullying her younger brother's literally anything I say or do she doesn't care. And it's now almost like the behaviour is intentionally happening especially at school because she acts up she comes home what child wouldn't take advantage of that? Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated I have 7 children all together 5 at home and my 13 year old is testing everything I know any pointers to where I can get some mental health help for her she's been on the chams waiting list for nearly 2  years xx

Biblioklept

Have you nagged camhs and told them that things are escalating and getting worse with your daughter @Mummabecks07?? 

Have school put any support in place for her?