ADHD / Autistic young adult - help — Scope | Disability forum
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ADHD / Autistic young adult - help

ByTheSea
ByTheSea Community member Posts: 39 Connected
edited October 2022 in Autism and neurodiversity
Hi everyone

I am wondering if anyone else is in or has been in this position, I am struggling with how to handle this, quite a long completed history but will try and keep it short.

My is now 24, diagnosed ADHD/ PDA / autistic traits at 13, he was on medication at school because he was having extreme difficulties but took himself off this when he left school and onto smoking cannabis.
He has been honest with me over the cannabis and I have accepted it to a point due to his difficulties and pain ( he has a lot of joint issues too).

He works full time.

One of my main issues is what appears to be very coercive behaviour towards me, which I am struggling to understand if it's just his conditions or being brought up in a bit of a toxic environment ( I divorced from his dad when he was about 5), his dad has been very toxic since, seperated my elder son from me, befriended literally all my family including cousins. 

My son appeared to try and take my house (and me) over when he left school !
He emptied my garden shed all over the garden to use the shed just for his bicycles, he tried to set up his own BT account for internet when I was changing suppliers and didn't have internet for about a week (he had internet on his phone).

He has very oddly offered to buy me iphones on his account, the first one I accepted but then I became suspicious and bought another phone but he is still paying for the sim card, which I have asked several times for him to change over to me and he keeps making excuses that he can't.

We mostly have got on ok other than this lately, although I feel like I'm treading on eggshells, he gets stressed if I say anything wrong.

He asked me a few weeks ago how I would feel if he moved out, he has been spending time with a friend and they want to get a house to share, at the moment he said his friend is living in a HMO property.

This has come to quite an issue now because I am very worried about his coercive behaviour and the cannabis use. He says often that he needs to cut down but it seems spending time with this friend is increasing his use.
My issue with him now is, I don't think he is dealing but I cannot be 100% sure, I have put it to him that he is going out of the house several times and putting me at risk as I do not want a raid from the police.

I have asked him to move with his friend but he said it is not as simple as that.

I genuinely don't know what to do or how to tackle this, if I do give him notice to leave I fear he is going to damage the house (council) and play victim and cause more issues for me in the neighbourhood.
However at the end of the day, he is my son and I worry about him.  

Anyone experienced similar or in this position now ?

Comments

  • Biblioklept
    Biblioklept Community member Posts: 4,180 Disability Gamechanger
    From my own experience people with PDA, ASD and ADHD like to feel in control. Plus we don't always think through how what we do and what we want may impact other people, me included. Even when I try to, and I think I'm quite conscientious, I don't always get it right so even when I'm trying to be mindful of others as I make the wrong assumption about how something might impact them. What I'm trying to say is that some of what you're seeing as coercive behaviour may not intentionally be that way

    BUT! It is your home and he shouldn't be making the decisions like that and needs to learn that you're in charge. You should be able to feel safe and comfortable in your own home.

    As for the cannabis, from my reading and interaction with others with ADHD, it's really common because it chills the mind and is a huge dopamine boost. But it can still have negative consequences, especially if he's dealing.  :(

    Is his father still in the picture and would it be helpful for his dad to talk to him?

    Do you know much about his friend? 
  • ByTheSea
    ByTheSea Community member Posts: 39 Connected
    @Biblioklept
    Hiya and thankyou so much for your help and understanding.
    I completely agree with all you said, it often crosses my mind that it's just the way he is and not deliberate behaviour, even from school I have always tried to support him when school have gone against him. I do think I either have the same or more likely autism (I am the opposite from him in a way as I am introvert but he is extrovert), but I think it makes me a lot more patient with him.
    Unfortunately I think his Dad maybe contributes a lot of the issues still, he's around but sees and speaks to them when it's convenient for him and he upset him so much at Christmas that my son said basically he didn't want anything more to do with him.  
    Unfortunately I don't know too much about his friend yet, I think it's the same person his elder brother said he went to school with when I mentioned it to him. I haven't brought the drugs up with his elder brother yet but I might do, but I think he also has difficulty talking to him sometimes because he gets stressed.
    I think a lot of the cannabis is habit and pain relief, a lot masking, I think he just wants to fit in.
    He has assured me that he is not dealing and he is only using it with his friend which is why he goes out.
    I don't think he is, there's no other obvious signs.
    Thanks again, have a good rest of the day.          
  • Tori_Scope
    Tori_Scope Scope Campaigns Posts: 12,487 Disability Gamechanger
    It sounds as though you have an awful lot on your plate at the moment @ByTheSea. I've sent you an email from [email protected] to see how we can help :) 
    National Campaigns Officer, she/her

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  • ByTheSea
    ByTheSea Community member Posts: 39 Connected
    @Tori_Scope hiya, yes that's the story of my life though, I do tend to take most of it in my stride, I am grateful to have found this site though, I will check in on your email shortly, thankyou so much  
  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 7,979 Disability Gamechanger
    It sounds like you are doing really well taking most of it in your stride @ByTheSea. However, "It's ok not to be ok". 

    You deserve support and we are here for you and listening to you. Glad to hear you are grateful to have found this site  :)
    Community Volunteer Adviser with professional knowledge of education, special educational needs and disabilities and EHCP's. Pronouns: She/her. 

    Please note: if I use the online community outside of its hours of administration, I am doing so in a personal capacity only.
  • ByTheSea
    ByTheSea Community member Posts: 39 Connected
  • L_Volunteer
    L_Volunteer Community Volunteer Adviser, Scope Member Posts: 7,979 Disability Gamechanger
    You are welcome @ByTheSea. How are you at the moment?  :)
    Community Volunteer Adviser with professional knowledge of education, special educational needs and disabilities and EHCP's. Pronouns: She/her. 

    Please note: if I use the online community outside of its hours of administration, I am doing so in a personal capacity only.
  • Biblioklept
    Biblioklept Community member Posts: 4,180 Disability Gamechanger
    ByTheSea said:
    @Biblioklept
    Hiya and thankyou so much for your help and understanding.
    I completely agree with all you said, it often crosses my mind that it's just the way he is and not deliberate behaviour, even from school I have always tried to support him when school have gone against him. I do think I either have the same or more likely autism (I am the opposite from him in a way as I am introvert but he is extrovert), but I think it makes me a lot more patient with him.
           
    Do you think you'll look to get assessed? It's hard as an adult but autism and ADHD do tend to run in families! I'm an introvert and have both autism and ADHD <3 

    How are things with your son now?? 
  • ByTheSea
    ByTheSea Community member Posts: 39 Connected
    edited October 2022
    @L_Volunteer
    @Biblioklept, hope you are well, yes this is what I have found too, that it's so damn hard to get a diagnosis, even for my son, we were originally told nothing wrong with him after a very patronising assessment on NHS, I was so angry because I knew there was something there. I managed to fund a private assessment who diagnosed him ADHD, by that time was rebelling against the school so much that he was also diagnosed ODD, so they couldn't diagnose autism even though there were some signs, that put me off the NHS assessments for life and unfortunately I haven't been able to fund a private diagnosis for myself. I have recently found what looks to be a good online one by reviews, I might try this one if I can raise it. 
    I'm also struggling to get other diagnoses, I think and a GP agreed that there might be Ehlers Danlos Syndrome in the family, which is often linked to Autism and ADHD (don't know if you have joint issues etc as well ?)  
    We're not too bad at the moment thankyou very much, I think, he's had to take some time off work which always leads to him smoking more, although I noticed he's smoking more e-cigs, don't like that either but probably better than cannabis. I think he is still upset with me stating it could be seen to outsiders that he's dealing, I think like you say, he doesn't understand cause and effect, another issue he had at school too.         
  • Biblioklept
    Biblioklept Community member Posts: 4,180 Disability Gamechanger
    ByTheSea said:

    I'm also struggling to get other diagnoses, I think and a GP agreed that there might be Ehlers Danlos Syndrome in the family, which is often linked to Autism and ADHD (don't know if you have joint issues etc as well ?)  
           
    I could rant all day about the NHS assessments and diagnostics! I've very very grateful we have the NHS but it shouldn't be so much of a fight to access some areas.
    I'm not hugely familiar with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome but I do have a lot of joint issues - I've just never bothered to get them looked at. Very interesting that there may be a link!!

    If you are keen for an ADHD or autism assessment for yourself, you could look into Right to Choose. Basically you're assessed privately but via the NHS so doesn't cost anything and no huge waiting lists. I know lots of people have used Psychiatry UK for ADHD assessments and they've recently started doing autism ones too. 

    Right to Choose ASD
    Right to Choose ADHD 
    There are lots of other private places that offer Right to Choose too so worth a look if you're keen!

    I'm so pleased things are a little better with your son <3 
  • ByTheSea
    ByTheSea Community member Posts: 39 Connected
    edited October 2022
    Joint issues, pain, clicking, also many linked issues ( gastro, allergies, fatigue, easy bruising ) , here's a good link for info
    The Ehlers-Danlos Support UK – Support for people touched by the Ehlers-Danlos syndromes

    Hopefully things aren't about to get worse for him again, he was very late for work today and frustratingly the day before he has a week off !

    I know it's common, do you have that issue and does anything work for you ?
    Makes it worse because he hasn't even been there long, he left a job he'd been in for 7 years since school mainly because the money was bad, took up a job in retail, which he had done before part time, he was late one minute the first day I think and was warned (I said one minute was a bit extreme) , apparently that is how they work and it's unfair on others if you're late. He hasn't told them he has ADHD so can't use that as an excuse, he said he didn't want to use it, I think he probably didn't tell them at interview because he might not get the job.
    This was where he was incredibly lucky in his previous job, they knew about his condition from the start and actually were really very good and made a lot of allowances for him. 
    I think he has one person supporting him here who he's friends with so that helps but he was incredibly late today and a midday start !
    I woke him up around 10 ish as I thought he said he was working, he said he starts at 12, it was getting close then to 12 and I thought maybe he meant he had to leave at 12, he got up about 11.30 and said he'd still overslept. 
    He hadn't been to bed late, not on anything digital, I think probably he went to sleep around 10 /11
    I think it's probably changing to a more physical job, making him more tired, I don't know ?
    Hopefully he will get away with it somehow
    I told him maybe he needs 2 alarms or something ( that's what I used to have to do) I think he said he put 2 on but early and then thought he'd reset them but couldn't have done it right.         
    Thankyou so much for the links, I will look into that, I have heard the name right to choose but hadn't realised what they was about !      

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