Struggling with Breakup /Grief/Isolation

confusednewt

Hi,

Myself and my ex partner were together for almost 2 years. We lived together and met in lockdown so the relationship feels like it was a lot longer as we had the boundary of being long distance at the beginning and talked all day every day for months before meeting. This was my longest serious relationship and never before had I planned or wanted to get married to someone and start a family; both things we frequently discussed on a serious level. 

We recently broke up a few months ago. I ended it as I didn’t feel loved and I also felt like they didn’t really have the time for me; they work full time and were always tired and had little money so we gradually stopped doing “couple things” and the intimacy died down and we just argued and bickered all the time which was very overwhelming being autistic. I also think we both lost track of ourselves and our passions/hobbies and now we both don’t really know who we are.

We also discovered that when I got my autism diagnosis, they are most definitely ADHD and we really struggled with communication really, there was no break of trust or cheating whilst together and the actual arguments though dramatic, were never violent or serious it was all petty surface level stuff I.e money/energy/chores and I think maybe we shouldn’t of lived together so soon, and just waited out covid to continue long distance whilst still having our own friends and family near for support. 

They are moving out of our communal home in around a week back to their home city about 2 hours away. I’ve been feeling really s*uidal about it (have accessed support) but am scared on living alone again even though I have before, because I’d got so dependant/comfortable with them, and also being disabled means that I do need a bit more extra help around the house which they were helping with and helping with my panic attacks etc. 

I also recently found out that from when we broke up, (even though we did get back together shortly after for a few months) that they went straight back on dating apps and have been messaging people explicit images, photos and videos which truly broke my heart, because I for one have not even been thinking about anyone else, I’m still grieving the relationship and stuck between regret and hurt that we never tried couples therapy. During the time of these messages etc I was often in the spare bedroom where I’ve been sleeping the past few months crying and really overwhelmed and knowing that was going on in our old bedroom on my furniture and sheets makes me so upset and feel so sick.

I was first worried i’d never see them again when they leave, and I do still hope we can be friends in the future - even though I am still holding onto the thought we could still maybe get back together after working on our own mental health in the future (whether this is wrong/right or will change in the future I don’t know atm I’m just hurt).

But after finding out they’ve jumped straight into all this dating apps and seeing their profile and seeing some of the content that has been shared and plans to meet up with others for sex I’m so hurt. I don’t know what to do with those feelings. I don’t know if this is a typical thing men do after a breakup compared to women? It’s something that hasn’t even crossed my mind at any point. 

I’m just looking for some advice really. I’ve tried reaching out to friends and family but everyone’s struggling at the moment. I just want to believe and know (maybe from others experience) that this will get better and I won’t feel like this forever and also maybe if this is a normal way men react after? Do men see sex differently to women? Is that why I don’t want or can’t think of anyone else?

I know I ultimately broke up with him so he is probably seeking validation from others, but he knows 110% that I still love him and regret it and want to get back together - but I do also appreciate and respect we both need to work on our own mental health right now and surround ourselves with friends and family but I’m just really hurting and need some support. Thankyou

Leo_Aces

Hello @confusednewt, I’m very sorry that you are struggling since the break up with your ex partner. It is understandable that you are feeling apprehensive about living on your own again due to needing a hand with things.

It sounds that you know that the separation is for the best for the both of you, however of course this doesn’t make it easier. Everybody copes with breakups differently and there’s never a right or wrong way.

You say that you have tried reaching out to friends and family, it sounds like you are a little worried about bothering them as they also have things going on. However we can all feel this way sometimes and it doesn’t mean that we can’t be there for those we care about.

Things may feel a little overwhelming at the moment and it could feel difficult to look ahead to the future. Perhaps you might want to start small, for example how you can now have your home the way you want it again. Time will help and it’s great that you are taking to look after your mental health 

Ollyoyster

Hi,  I have been there, and yes at the time it is super hard to cope,, but I promise you, its better to end it now rather than further down the line, and I promise you in a year or sooner you will look back on this part of your life and realise you made the right choice, and it's made you stronger and you will find true happiness that you deserve.  Yes men do tend to do things a lot different to women, not  all, but it's common for the man to jump back on the wagon, ease their ego etc,, women need time to process I find... I promise you things happen for a reason, and in a few months down the line you will find the reason, I hope I've helped a little bit,  one day you will be giving another lady some of your life experience advice, promise you,  sending hugs x

janer1967

Hi there and welcome to the community 

Been there myself separating is likely to evoke same emotions as a bereavement cycle you will go through diffetent feelings and emotions 

It will get better for you as you start to find your mojo again 

Men do deal with it differently and some nog all do quickly seek intimacy.  They are often looking for casual no strings attached fun and nothing serious.  

I know you want to stay friends but uph often find this isn't possible especially if you both move on 

Thinking of you I know how much it hurts right now it will get better 

rubin16

I had one serious relationship 3 years ago and was with the person for 2 years and lived together and did everything together, however this broke down in similar circumstances and I was deeply in love with the person. I have Autism and am male and to this day I still havn't even started looking for anyone else, I'm just too worried to get hurt again (As the break up made me have a massive meltdown/mental health issues). I also have alot of medical problems so its hard to have the confidence to meet someone and them finding out and accepting that. My Ex though started going on dating sites and everything straight away.

I don't know but I feel maybe Autistic people have a different sense of love feeling. I don't really understand emotion myself but it seems like others can just get over things easily. I think it also causes stress due the change in routine/massive life change which is hard to deal with as well.

I hope all the best for you.

confusednewt

Thankyou so much to everyone that has responded to my message, I really appreciate it. It is so hard because it was such a big thing for me to live with them, and its true you don't know someone until you live with them and I think I definitely realised that my needs weren't being met, not nesecarily because he didnt want to or didnt care but because he is much younger than me, (22) and i'm 28 so I think we both have diffrerent expeiriences/maturity which hurts. We still message every now and again but very surface level and i do hope we can be friends in the future. I've just been trying to keep myself busy by hanging out with the friends that haven't been ignoring me as i've got more poorly and doing lots of art / going to art therapy and i started writing poetry again to get out the feelings in a healthy way. I just hope i can heal from this in time and it doesnt take too long to not hurt as much. i wish i didn't feel everything as much as i do too

confusednewt

rubin16 said:

I had one serious relationship 3 years ago and was with the person for 2 years and lived together and did everything together, however this broke down in similar circumstances and I was deeply in love with the person. I have Autism and am male and to this day I still havn't even started looking for anyone else, I'm just too worried to get hurt again (As the break up made me have a massive meltdown/mental health issues). I also have alot of medical problems so its hard to have the confidence to meet someone and them finding out and accepting that. My Ex though started going on dating sites and everything straight away.

I don't know but I feel maybe Autistic people have a different sense of love feeling. I don't really understand emotion myself but it seems like others can just get over things easily. I think it also causes stress due the change in routine/massive life change which is hard to deal with as well.

I hope all the best for you.

hi @ru@rubin16 thankyou so much for sharing this - especially from an autistic point of view, it really helped and it is very interesting as this is very much how i feel. I 100% dont feel ready to even talk to anyone at the moment, so seeing him jump straight onto apps and such really hurt, and made me feel so insignificiant but it is really interesing and makes a lot of sense that us autistic folk see love a different way and hopefully i can find a partner in the future that is more accepting/understanding and educated themselves on my health issues so that communication and trust is easier.

Excalibur75

Hi all

I have only had one serious relationship for eight years but that ended 20 years ago. we were both 21 and very much in love.

We met when she worked at my care home as a gap years student in 1996.  She left within a month of us getting together.

We saw each other Up to Five times a year and we talked on the phone at least once a week for eight years

I am a quadriplegic male and She lived in Germany.  We talked about living togetherAnd having kids but I didn't want her to give up on her friends or career to Become a carer for me and our kids!

Towards the end we had a break of nine months in which time by Started chatting to an old disabled girlfriend online and we started flirting with Each other and I thought what's the point in ruining my a Able-bodied girlfriends Life

She moved on within a couple of years finding a new able-bodied partner and having two kids in 2010 and 2012.

this is what I ultimately wanted for her no matter how much it hurt me!

On a brighter note we still email each other up to 4 times a year and talk about our news and other stuff! I think of her as a Very close friend even now!

Puja

confusednewt said:

rubin16 said:

I had one serious relationship 3 years ago and was with the person for 2 years and lived together and did everything together, however this broke down in similar circumstances and I was deeply in love with the person. I have Autism and am male and to this day I still havn't even started looking for anyone else, I'm just too worried to get hurt again (As the break up made me have a massive meltdown/mental health issues). I also have alot of medical problems so its hard to have the confidence to meet someone and them finding out and accepting that. My Ex though started going on dating sites and everything straight away.

I don't know but I feel maybe Autistic people have a different sense of love feeling. I don't really understand emotion myself but it seems like others can just get over things easily. I think it also causes stress due the change in routine/massive life change which is hard to deal with as well.

I hope all the best for you.

hi @ru@rubin16 thankyou so much for sharing this - especially from an autistic point of view, it really helped and it is very interesting as this is very much how i feel. I 100% dont feel ready to even talk to anyone at the moment, so seeing him jump straight onto apps and such really hurt, and made me feel so insignificiant but it is really interesing and makes a lot of sense that us autistic folk see love a different way and hopefully i can find a partner in the future that is more accepting/understanding and educated themselves on my health issues so that communication and trust is easier.

I can relate to your post and comments and especially this.
I too am hopeful my future dates/a partner is also autistic or neurodivergent too as think it would be a better match of communication and thinking style as NT often don’t get ND people in my experience and also able bodied and well people struggle to understand and accept limitations of those with neurodivergent, physical and mental conditions too. 

So grateful to Scope for raising awareness of all disabilities including ‘hidden’ ones and making this lovely forum for us all to connect and share our experiences, knowledge and make friendships too in a safe environment 🙂 

MollySco9

The best way to get over someone is to show them what they're missing. Some may see that as toxic, but I think it's just great for your own self esteem. With my previous boyfriend I reached a point of feeling better than that. I lost some weight, and spent some money on some clothes that helped me feel confident, and I quickly got my confidence back. And what started with wanting to prove him wrong, turned into me feeling too good for him.

I was on a night out with my girls and I was in this gorgeous [Removed by moderator – advertising] dress and he happened to be in the same club as me. He couldn't take his eyes off me, but that night I got so much attention from other really nice guys too, and it left me feeling silly that I'd been so desperate for his attention all this time, when there was loads of other great options out there.

I've now never been happier in my own body and felt more confident about myself.

Community_Scope

Hello @MollySco9

We just want to let you know we’ve edited your comment because it contained an advertising link. For more information about why we removed this, please consider our online community house rules.

All the best,

Cher

Online community team