Jealousy of people with normal lives

MJoanna

This year I have become disabled and mostly house bound. For the sake of brevity I won't get into the why and what here, but my life was shrinking greatly for several years before this year where my health declined significantly.

There are many things I could and maybe will post about, but today, right now, I'm hurting emotionally about how people who have no called me for months are reporting their wonderful lives to me, either on holiday in the Dominican Republic, or a friend who was parted from her husband in Australia while he settled their new home in Amsterdam. 

This last friend didn't call me when I was going through hell a few months ago, and just sent me a message cuddling her husband as she met him for the first time in 4 months. 

If she had called me to talk about the many events and difficulties, as well as the new home I moved into, I might feel differently, but seeing them in that picture reminded me how limited my life is and how alone I am. 

Of course I understand that jealousy is an unhelpful emotion and especially coupled with resentment, as it is now, it's something I have to deal with. 

How do others cope with this?

Are there any online meeting for those that are housebound?

woodbine

I have learnt over the years never to waste my precious time being jealous of anyone, I know that probably doesn't help.

As for online meetings this is a great place to get to know people to join in with the fun and chats, we're a friendly lot and totally non-judgemental, so I hope you will stick around and enjoy being part of the forum.

janer1967

Hi and welcome to the community 

Unfortunately that is a typical occurance for disabled people 

Your friends lose interest and slowly you no longer ses them sorry but this just seems to be reality

You will find lots of support on here and lots of virtual friends 

Not heard of any groups for housebound but there are services where you are assigned a volunteer buddy who will talk to you on regular base . I don't know the name but you should be able to find details maybe off the Internet or local authority community groups 

RetroRemix

I know it's not good to be jealous, but some people can also have a pretty good way of making you feel like you are crud and an outcast.

I don't really consider myself disabled (but I have partial hearing loss, tiny speech problems and problems with memories and other problems with my mind) but people pick up on anything that isn't part of their normal and pick and pick and pick at it. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, whether I'm a caring role for my family member, or not or how quiet I am.

Why would I be jealous of these people who never outgrew prejudices they should have outgrown in primary school? No, what I think instead is that these people should grow up and accept that there are people that are different to them already.

And I'm not speaking for everyone, there are many brilliant and loving people out there too... but some grind my gears so much.

So, it's not jealousy on my end so much... it's the fact these people make me feel like I may as well be an alien looking in on humanity rather than being a part of it.

mandy1811

Hi m joanna I also know exactly how you feel.As Iam also practically house bound. I can leave my home but need someone with me.And unfortunately don't have anyone to help me do this.what hit home for me was you talking about the loss of freinds. I thought it was just me and couldn't understand why freinds have stopped calling. But I understand now its not just me. I would love to know if anyone has any ideas of what I could be doing at home or any more groups I could join. To keep me sane.

Sandy_123

Grass is never greener on the other side, altho people post happy pics and seem to be having a great a life on social media, that's the life they want people to believe they have. Anyhow The life you have been dealt with its about making the most of it that you can, maybe in a different way from before. 
There may be things in your comunity going on, on line. 

Hannah_Alumni

MJoanna said:

This year I have become disabled and mostly house bound. For the sake of brevity I won't get into the why and what here, but my life was shrinking greatly for several years before this year where my health declined significantly.

There are many things I could and maybe will post about, but today, right now, I'm hurting emotionally about how people who have no called me for months are reporting their wonderful lives to me, either on holiday in the Dominican Republic, or a friend who was parted from her husband in Australia while he settled their new home in Amsterdam. 

This last friend didn't call me when I was going through hell a few months ago, and just sent me a message cuddling her husband as she met him for the first time in 4 months. 

If she had called me to talk about the many events and difficulties, as well as the new home I moved into, I might feel differently, but seeing them in that picture reminded me how limited my life is and how alone I am. 

Of course I understand that jealousy is an unhelpful emotion and especially coupled with resentment, as it is now, it's something I have to deal with. 

How do others cope with this?

Are there any online meeting for those that are housebound?

Hello @Mjoanna

Firstly, I'd like to say I am so sorry you have been going through such a difficult time with your health. Without knowing, I am hoping that you are under medical guidance for you to live as pain free and as well as possible

I was housebound by my disability for three years, and still find it difficult now. I came to understand what people meant by "you'll learn who your friends are" and like with what you are feeling, it very much hurt, and I felt jealous. I also questioned how others cope with this, I found great solace in various online communities, relating to my disability and to my interests. 

So, I'd like to know about you. What are your interests? Have you got any hobbies? Crafting talents? Read a good book recently? or watched a good film or tv series? 

As for online meetings for those who are housebound, we are always here, we play games, have debates and various discussions. I also found brilliant groups through my local council, who meet both in person and online. We discuss all of our ancestry and local history research. 

MJoanna

woodbine said:

I have learnt over the years never to waste my precious time being jealous of anyone, I know that probably doesn't help.

As for online meetings this is a great place to get to know people to join in with the fun and chats, we're a friendly lot and totally non-judgemental, so I hope you will stick around and enjoy being part of the forum.

You're totally right because the goal is to lose that destructive jealousy, as it is so toxic. How did you achieve this?

Last night I was watching a long podcast on TY and one of the guests brought his wife of and they had a long segment where they talked about their open relationship. I sat there watching with interest, but underneath, felt all this pain well up - relationships have never been great for me even when I was well and now I'm disabled a relationship feels a million miles away. 

How did you get out of being jealous?

BTW, I do make a contrast of jealousy and envy, where envy is actively wanting the person not to have the thing. Generally I do not suffer from envy. 

MJoanna

janer1967 said:

Hi and welcome to the community 

Unfortunately that is a typical occurance for disabled people 

Your friends lose interest and slowly you no longer ses them sorry but this just seems to be reality

You will find lots of support on here and lots of virtual friends 

Not heard of any groups for housebound but there are services where you are assigned a volunteer buddy who will talk to you on regular base . I don't know the name but you should be able to find details maybe off the Internet or local authority community groups 

woodbine said:

I have learnt over the years never to waste my precious time being jealous of anyone, I know that probably doesn't help.

As for online meetings this is a great place to get to know people to join in with the fun and chats, we're a friendly lot and totally non-judgemental, so I hope you will stick around and enjoy being part of the forum.

Thanks janer1967 - I remember you commenting on my plight with housing earlier in year and thanks again for that. 

Acceptance is so important isn't it. As things have declined for me, the acceptance has lagged behind and every time I get to a place where I think I've reached a point of acceptance, things either get worse or more complicated, or a new trigger comes in and messes with my head. 

Your comment is hard to read in some ways, but I do understand why you are being blunt and to the point.

As with the volunteer buddy, I have never heard of that. Actually since I moved to this new borough I haven't registered with a GP, as all my medication is handled by my old surgery and I will change that in the new year, when I will also ask about this. 

MJoanna

RetroRemix said:

I know it's not good to be jealous, but some people can also have a pretty good way of making you feel like you are crud and an outcast.

I don't really consider myself disabled (but I have partial hearing loss, tiny speech problems and problems with memories and other problems with my mind) but people pick up on anything that isn't part of their normal and pick and pick and pick at it. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, whether I'm a caring role for my family member, or not or how quiet I am.

Why would I be jealous of these people who never outgrew prejudices they should have outgrown in primary school? No, what I think instead is that these people should grow up and accept that there are people that are different to them already.

And I'm not speaking for everyone, there are many brilliant and loving people out there too... but some grind my gears so much.

So, it's not jealousy on my end so much... it's the fact these people make me feel like I may as well be an alien looking in on humanity rather than being a part of it.

Such a relatable post. The problem for me I think is weeding out the people who care from those who do not, as several have made noises about how they care and even promised to help and then let me down. 

If people just simply didn't care it would be easier to walk away from them emotionally, but because they say they care, but then are absent and do not follow through, it messes with my head. 

So true about feeling like an alien looking at the world from outside. So relate to that.

MJoanna

mandy1811 said:

Hi m joanna I also know exactly how you feel.As Iam also practically house bound. I can leave my home but need someone with me.And unfortunately don't have anyone to help me do this.what hit home for me was you talking about the loss of freinds. I thought it was just me and couldn't understand why freinds have stopped calling. But I understand now its not just me. I would love to know if anyone has any ideas of what I could be doing at home or any more groups I could join. To keep me sane.

Mandy I was thinking the other day of even starting a Zoom group and a website, but that's a lot of work and I already max out my energy working from home (which I'm lucky to be able to do, just) and taking care of myself. 

Totally it's not just you, and I hope like me this thread has affirmed that for you.

MJoanna

Sandy_123 said:

Grass is never greener on the other side, altho people post happy pics and seem to be having a great a life on social media, that's the life they want people to believe they have. Anyhow The life you have been dealt with its about making the most of it that you can, maybe in a different way from before. 
There may be things in your comunity going on, on line. 

There is a lot of truth to the idea that people post their best lives. A the same time this isn't so much about that, but more about one to one message and contact. 

For example, about 5 people said they would help me pack and unpack when I moved, but only my 72 year old Mother did. It was heartbreaking. Then I get messages about their lives on Whatsapp every few months with little consideration for the promises they have broken or a willingness to really listen to me. 

One person just hasn't even looked at a message I sent months ago updating him on the fact that I wanted to see him and a mutual friend, but was now disabled so couldn't go to pub and restaurants etc. 


Your point about making the most of things and even being grateful for what I have is so true and I will try to work on that.

MJoanna

Hannah_Scope said:

MJoanna said:

This year I have become disabled and mostly house bound. For the sake of brevity I won't get into the why and what here, but my life was shrinking greatly for several years before this year where my health declined significantly.

There are many things I could and maybe will post about, but today, right now, I'm hurting emotionally about how people who have no called me for months are reporting their wonderful lives to me, either on holiday in the Dominican Republic, or a friend who was parted from her husband in Australia while he settled their new home in Amsterdam. 

This last friend didn't call me when I was going through hell a few months ago, and just sent me a message cuddling her husband as she met him for the first time in 4 months. 

If she had called me to talk about the many events and difficulties, as well as the new home I moved into, I might feel differently, but seeing them in that picture reminded me how limited my life is and how alone I am. 

Of course I understand that jealousy is an unhelpful emotion and especially coupled with resentment, as it is now, it's something I have to deal with. 

How do others cope with this?

Are there any online meeting for those that are housebound?

Hello @Mjoanna

Firstly, I'd like to say I am so sorry you have been going through such a difficult time with your health. Without knowing, I am hoping that you are under medical guidance for you to live as pain free and as well as possible

I was housebound by my disability for three years, and still find it difficult now. I came to understand what people meant by "you'll learn who your friends are" and like with what you are feeling, it very much hurt, and I felt jealous. I also questioned how others cope with this, I found great solace in various online communities, relating to my disability and to my interests. 

So, I'd like to know about you. What are your interests? Have you got any hobbies? Crafting talents? Read a good book recently? or watched a good film or tv series? 

As for online meetings for those who are housebound, we are always here, we play games, have debates and various discussions. I also found brilliant groups through my local council, who meet both in person and online. We discuss all of our ancestry and local history research. 

Hi Hannah

My condition is primarily a pain condition, specifically nerve pain, CFS and problems with psych meds that have ruined my body and I can sometimes leave the house, but it often costs me in terms of pain and energy, such that it's a rare event. The outside world is scary. 

I'm sorry you had such a hard time and from what I read, it seems that you have turned a corner? Regardless I totally hear you that you are still suffering. 

My interests are 

Music - I play bass guitar, but it's a social instrument and I have no ability to play in a band. I have a home setup that allows me to play covers and develop my own ideas and I do love my musical equipment, but often the pain and energy issues stop me from being able to do it anything like as much as I would want. My dream in the future is to play with people in a live setting, as I haven't done that since I was in my 20s and I'm now 45 (took up playing again in 2019 when I started getting ill).

Chess - I do play online, but I've noticed that my rating has dropped a lot and so has my enjoyment. My work is very intense and that takes most of my mental energy and the medication I am on blunts my mind and causes me to miscalculate a lot. It's sad, but it's still there. As with music, my dream would be to play at my local club and play team matches against other clubs, but again it seems a world away.

Philosophy and Psychology - I do have a psychology background even though I work in technical marketing and these areas, as well as some science topics really fascinate me, so I spend a lot of time listening to podcasts and audiobooks on these subjects. I crave debate and discussion and really feel like a prisoner who is in solitary confinement unable to have those long debates that so excited me and that I was pretty good at. I heard that prisoners' brains in solitary confinement change and I'm worried that this is impacting my cognition, but then the medications could be the main reason I'm blunted. 

Work - I don't have a major passion for my job, but it is of interest. I wouldn't do it if I didn't have to though. 

I will look for help at my local council.

How do you play games here? Or did I misunderstand?

MJoanna

I just wanted to firstly thank you all for your lovely comments. 

Also, I'd like to add something that happened yesterday. 

I had to go the post office, no choice. So the only option I had was an Uber (I allocate my PIP money for this kind of thing). I was sitting outside on the bench and this women who lives in the building came and spoke to me. She had invited me before to her place with some others, but it was very awkward and she said some insensitive things. 

She asked me how I was and I explained that after I was rushed to hospital a few weeks ago I had wanted to see her (I was really scared to see her and her friends again actually, as they seemed not to be very understanding).

So I said I was having a hard time and she said,

"You can walk around" - I said, no not really, it's about once a week I can walk 100 yards or so to the pharmacy or something. I'm not 100% housebound, but about 95% or more and it's just that if I rest and don't stand much for a week, I can walk a bit before the crippling pain kicks in. They never see the real suffering.

Then she said,

"We're all going through the same thing". I looked at her in some disbelief as she had previously said that instead of meeting as a group, we could have a cup of tea together, which was a relief. 

When she said this, anger boiled up in me and I said something like,

"Yes, I know youve had the flu recently, back pain and have kids to manage, but you're not disabled. Not everyone is disabled, are they?"

We left it that we would have a cup of tea together and take it from there, but I got into the Uber and felt this rage build up. 

My suspicion is that one of her friends saw me walking past her and told her that I was 'fine', when in fact, this was a rare moment in an agonising isolated week where I forced myself against my will to walk to a shop to get something that I needed. 

They don't see me when I get to the shop, leaning on the counter, the walls, dragging my legs along like I'm about to fall over, then coming home and screaming into the lift then the sofa when the pain hits me as I get in. 

They don't see what are probably 5 major health issues that affect my daily life so much that I often feel like ending it.

What to say to these people? My Mum said don't disclose too much, whereas my instinct is to tell them everything so they get it - but that has seemingly never worked, as the start of this thread discussed. 

Hannah_Alumni

Hi @MJoanna  

I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you ever heard of the spoon theory? It's a perfect analogy of what those in the disability community can go through. It may be something to send to you friend(s)?

Yes, I was able to have help with surgery. Isn't a fix it all but helps me manage everything better. I hope they're able to find something to help with your pain. It's hard enough to go through everything physically and mentally yet to add pain on top is horrible. I'm keeping all my fingers crossed someone will say "we have this" and it works

That's amazing. I'd love to have the talent to play an instrument. Do you have a favourite bass player? What kind of covers do you play? 

Maybe your local council has something for chess players? I don't know much about chess, other than they made a series about it on Netflix, which is still on my list to see. It won't be worlds away forever.

I actually studied Criminology and Psychology at University. Have you got any podcasts to recommend? I feel like I go through them so quickly. I've been recommended Siddhartha by a friend which is on the reading list, but I haven't explored Philosophy as much as I'd like. You have so many interests, so I don't see it impacting your cognition. It's been lovely getting to know you here!  

This is our Coffee Lounge; Coffee lounge — Scope | Disability forum
Here are our some of the games. 

• Alphabet game - Page 9 — Scope | Disability forum 
• New Game - Count 1 to 40 using only odd numbers. Members with S & T in username can stop game. — Scope | Disability forum
• THIS OR THAT? - GAME - Page 2 — Scope | Disability forum
• Half and Half word game — Scope | Disability forum

Hope to see you join in

We are always here if you want to talk, vent or have any questions or queries. 

I'm so sorry that you had such an awful run in with the woman who lives in your building. Maybe show her the spoon theory too? I always feel it's a double-edged sword. Telling people vs Not telling people. Maybe when or if you do have that cup of tea with her, you'll just know whether you feel comfortable enough to open up or not.

But I am so glad that you got out. Even if it was just to the Post Office. Not that it caused you pain, I'm still hoping that gets sorted for you soon, but the step in the direction in regard to your mental health, hopefully will help your view of the outside world being scary. 

MJoanna

Hannah_Scope said:

Hi @MJoanna  

I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you ever heard of the spoon theory? It's a perfect analogy of what those in the disability community can go through. It may be something to send to you friend(s)?

Yes, I was able to have help with surgery. Isn't a fix it all but helps me manage everything better. I hope they're able to find something to help with your pain. It's hard enough to go through everything physically and mentally yet to add pain on top is horrible. I'm keeping all my fingers crossed someone will say "we have this" and it works

That's amazing. I'd love to have the talent to play an instrument. Do you have a favourite bass player? What kind of covers do you play? 

Maybe your local council has something for chess players? I don't know much about chess, other than they made a series about it on Netflix, which is still on my list to see. It won't be worlds away forever.

I actually studied Criminology and Psychology at University. Have you got any podcasts to recommend? I feel like I go through them so quickly. I've been recommended Siddhartha by a friend which is on the reading list, but I haven't explored Philosophy as much as I'd like. You have so many interests, so I don't see it impacting your cognition. It's been lovely getting to know you here!  

This is our Coffee Lounge; Coffee lounge — Scope | Disability forum
Here are our some of the games. 

• Alphabet game - Page 9 — Scope | Disability forum 
• New Game - Count 1 to 40 using only odd numbers. Members with S & T in username can stop game. — Scope | Disability forum
• THIS OR THAT? - GAME - Page 2 — Scope | Disability forum
• Half and Half word game — Scope | Disability forum

Hope to see you join in

We are always here if you want to talk, vent or have any questions or queries. 

I'm so sorry that you had such an awful run in with the woman who lives in your building. Maybe show her the spoon theory too? I always feel it's a double-edged sword. Telling people vs Not telling people. Maybe when or if you do have that cup of tea with her, you'll just know whether you feel comfortable enough to open up or not.

But I am so glad that you got out. Even if it was just to the Post Office. Not that it caused you pain, I'm still hoping that gets sorted for you soon, but the step in the direction in regard to your mental health, hopefully will help your view of the outside world being scary. 

Hi Hannah, thanks so much for the links and the affirmation. 

Also I'm really glad that you had some success with surgery, even if it's not been a magic bullet. 

Having a bit of a crash and a difficult time so can't reply in full, but I hope to come back to this thread

MJoanna

Hannah_Scope said:

Hi @MJoanna  

I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you ever heard of the spoon theory? It's a perfect analogy of what those in the disability community can go through. It may be something to send to you friend(s)?

Yes, I was able to have help with surgery. Isn't a fix it all but helps me manage everything better. I hope they're able to find something to help with your pain. It's hard enough to go through everything physically and mentally yet to add pain on top is horrible. I'm keeping all my fingers crossed someone will say "we have this" and it works

That's amazing. I'd love to have the talent to play an instrument. Do you have a favourite bass player? What kind of covers do you play? 

Maybe your local council has something for chess players? I don't know much about chess, other than they made a series about it on Netflix, which is still on my list to see. It won't be worlds away forever.

I actually studied Criminology and Psychology at University. Have you got any podcasts to recommend? I feel like I go through them so quickly. I've been recommended Siddhartha by a friend which is on the reading list, but I haven't explored Philosophy as much as I'd like. You have so many interests, so I don't see it impacting your cognition. It's been lovely getting to know you here!  

This is our Coffee Lounge; Coffee lounge — Scope | Disability forum
Here are our some of the games. 

• Alphabet game - Page 9 — Scope | Disability forum 
• New Game - Count 1 to 40 using only odd numbers. Members with S & T in username can stop game. — Scope | Disability forum
• THIS OR THAT? - GAME - Page 2 — Scope | Disability forum
• Half and Half word game — Scope | Disability forum

Hope to see you join in

We are always here if you want to talk, vent or have any questions or queries. 

I'm so sorry that you had such an awful run in with the woman who lives in your building. Maybe show her the spoon theory too? I always feel it's a double-edged sword. Telling people vs Not telling people. Maybe when or if you do have that cup of tea with her, you'll just know whether you feel comfortable enough to open up or not.

But I am so glad that you got out. Even if it was just to the Post Office. Not that it caused you pain, I'm still hoping that gets sorted for you soon, but the step in the direction in regard to your mental health, hopefully will help your view of the outside world being scary. 

Hi Hannah, thanks so much for the links and the affirmation. 

Also I'm really glad that you had some success with surgery, even if it's not been a magic bullet. 

Having a bit of a crash and a difficult time so can't reply in full, but I hope to come back to this thread and answer you properly. 

Joanna

Steve_in_The_City

Hi @MJoanna I am sorry you are going through a bad and unsettled time, but you are not alone and your life isn't limited. I went through some of what you went through. I too moved to a new area, and no one helped me even though they said they would. I took this as a life lesson: Finding out who your friends actually are.