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C-ptsd recovery diary - many blessings 🙏🏻

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sophiesa
sophiesa Community member Posts: 1 Listener
What's important
Eating - 3 meals a day pls
Sleeping - at least 8 hours. Try get up at 7-8 9 at a push
Drinking enough water - you need lots baby girl
Fresh air every day - you need to go a 10 minute walk - try make it more and more each time. This is important. Outside isn't dangerous. You CAN handle yourself. I know you want to freeze but I stand up for us. We've got this. There's no need to be scared any more. Not nieve. But no longer scared okay?
Do something that is self care every day - even on hard days try do all these things. The routine will help.
You need lots of fruit and veg. You don't feel well on **** food
No one cares in the best way possible
You are always worthy. No matter how you act or look, I am here. I won't give up on us
Remember to be grateful - this one is also important. 10 things. You can do it. They are there.
Do something fun. Ya too serious sometimes
The depression can be a **** hard thing, running around in the brain thinking there is nothing to be done. There is plenty to be done. You are just frozen. Unfreeze babe. Breath. Look at something funny. It's not the end of the world. Things will feel better. It will lift. Things will shift. The only thing we control is what we do. That's it. For better or for worse. We take on the souls of others with love and gratitude yet we can't spend a second alone with our own. No. I love you. You are powerful. You have an ibility to understand and empathise beyond! You're so funny and clever. I love how geeky we are and so beautiful. So lucky! I know this brain can be a **** headache but so what. At least there IS good, even when I don't feel it, faith in knowing its out there - in charity, in faith, in compassion, in action, in stories, in people's eyes. It belongs in this world and you are worthy and shining of it. Be kind to yourself first. Breath. The more you let it in the more you're brain will recognise a good thing. Start small. Step by step. No 0 - 100. We gonna start at 1 baby. And thats you're safe. You're loved. There are many things to live for. Even though you have a choice. You don't. Too much not lived yet. Too blessed to be even be experiencing time. No matter how I feel in it. Matters to me but remember others have their own battles, own demons, own beauty, own understanding, memories, opinions, and boundaries.

Don't just mask - this one!!!
Don't just play along but be inside your head the entire time, say how you feel. But don't act impulsively. Talk to someone first about how you're feeling. Don't let an intrusive thought blind and freak you out. You are not your thoughts. It's okay to be upset and angry. Express. Don't repress and especially don't blame. Isn't their responsibility to fix how you feel. Only you can do that. Emotional understanding. It's okay to have a big reaction but one isn't always necessary. Stop living in shame for expressing. There is no need. You can say it and expereice what it is like to step by step understand and resolve this. Learning isn't stupid. Don't ever let anyone make you feel stupid. You're far from it. You understand complexities of emotions others can not. You still have much to learn but you got this.
Get a hobby of some kind - I don't know what to pick but find something you're passionate about. That lights you up where you can feel confident and empowered. This is important. The world deserves to see what you've got
Don't worry about money and weed
I know there's issues going on with the weed at the moment and that's tough. It is an addiction. An emotional one. Save me. Rescue me from my pain and anguish of stress. I no longer can handle the responses my brain and body give on normal living. But living without you is worse than living. I want to reduce. I want to steady these emotions but I feel so pent up all the time. Pain is a tragedy for me. Buries me into the ground and shovels mud into my mouth. Frozen. But I'm not. It's a response. It's cptsd. I wish I wasn't so scared. I'm scared my childhood has impacted the cycles of the rest of my life and I am doomed to repeat the endless upheave and downpour of emotions that cause a great amount of tension in me. I see animals shake after a truama on TV and then go back to normal and I think I feel so pent up and it's because I don't express enough, need to shake it out somehow. I've just sat in disbelief my whole life of how this is happening. But I'm not what's happened to me. I'm not my memories. But how do I become unfrozen? Where do I put down this fear? Its glued to me. Its been cradling me for so long were almost one. I don't even recognise the face of it now to begin with, almost feels warm and cosy giving into it. Makes me feel a sense of comfort but then again fear is all I've ever known. No community. No sense of belonging to something more. What do I look up to? Not a person, but kindness. How do I hold on to something that isn't tangible? Where are we going? What are you doing? Are you going to be proud of this life if you continue to do this for the rest of it? What is this worth? Whatever you want it to be. There is no control. Only you can make this worth something. Thats it. Only you. No ones coming to make it better. You can ask for help on how but you have to be willing. You have to want. I know its hard when you've seen darkest of dark, but the fact you have means you know what not to look for. How not to get stuck. All the things that are beautiful and warm. Thank god you learned from that. I don't think anyone can **** you now. And I think you can handle any situation with what you've been through. Nothings scary any more. You can face to face with the darkest parts of yourself and chose light. That's what makes it worth it. The mistakes are okay. You've learned. You're patient. You've got this. Breath. Share more. Get it out. Stop living in that head!!!! Stop living in that head!!! Say it say it say it. There is no shame. You can be whoever you are in that day. Accept that others can too. Do not try to bring the mood up in a room. Bring it up in you. Inwards to outwards. Doesn't matter what everyone else thinks. You have no control over that. Inwards out. Feel how you want the room to feel. You freaking out and want it to be chilled? Feel chilled then. I give you permission. Breath. Want it to be buzzing? Feel buzzing, you feel angry and the room feels awkward right? We can all sense it. You can with others as well. Don't take it personally. How do you want to feel? How do you want to be treated? Don't expect that from other people. But you can feel that yourself.
And even when you can't that's okay too. It'd alright to not push against the tide and roll with it. I have anxiety right now, okay. Instead of freaking out I'm gonna say that's alright. Breath for a couple of minutes. Maybe go find something funny. Get up. Did you eat? Do you need to say something? It's okay too. Acceptance. That's a big one. It's a roller coaster ride and becoming more curious instead of reactive is the saving grace. Okay how can I learn from this? So many times I go round and round and forget that is something being taught. Next time I feel like this how can I change the routine. Cause I know if I stay in it the pathways in my brain that have done it 1000000000000s of times are gonna do it again. Change the pace whilst accepting that's how it's gonna feel for a bit but learning helps and change comes. It's consistent change that wins the game, it's long and takes time but what else you gonna do? Feel this way for another 10 years? F that. Absolutely not. No expectation on how I'm gonna do something or which way I'm gonna learn but the goal is to be curious. Why why why. Healing is scary but being frozen is worse. I'd rather look, understand and be free than be stuck under the bed for the rest of my life. 
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