What to do

carcari
carcari Online Community Member Posts: 81 Contributor
edited March 29 in Everyday life

I've been with my husband for 22 years. Married 13 this may.. we're both suffering with bouts of depression my husband worst then myself just lately. Doctors have him on medication. And that doesn't seem to work the same way it does for me...

It's getting to the point were we can go all day without speaking to each other. Some days in to scared to say anything to him. We were on a small family break to see extended family even she picked up that he can be very controlling.. I've getting to a poi t where I don't want to be around him. I also have a 19 year old son who is autistic who is started to pick up that me and dad are not wellโ€ฆ I want to leave but wouldn't know where start. And have way to much to lose if I was to just up and leave

Comments

  • Littlefatfriend
    Littlefatfriend Online Community Member Posts: 114 Empowering

    Please:

    Unaware of the details of each of your situations may I suggest a perspective? No judgement here ever.

    If your husband's depression is perhaps even a little more acute than yours (or if he deals with it in a different way to you) you are at risk of assuming responsibilities which aren't yours. Or his. Or your child's.

    Have you considered counselling?

    Having worked in counselling for decades I'm sure it really could make this different for all/each of you.

    It could help you imagine solutions.

    How to move from where you are.

    I'm sure it will be available near you.

    Good luck

  • shell319
    shell319 Online Community Member Posts: 7 Listener

    Are you ok .

  • charl1980
    charl1980 Online Community Member Posts: 199 Empowering

    One big question here do you love him? Dispite the issues in sickness and in health and all that or do you find yourself not loving the man he is today if this is the case there is your answer unfortunately

  • Bluebell21
    Bluebell21 Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 10,155 Championing

    Hi @carcari I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time at the moment.

    You have now taken the first step in reaching out to Scope to ask for advice. That takes a lot of courage.

    https://www.relate.org.uk

    Relate might be worth talking too.

    We are here for you anytime to help and support you where we can.

    Please take care of yourself.

  • Charlie_Scope
    Charlie_Scope Posts: 63 Scope Online Community Coordinator

    Hello @carcari.

    You've had a lot of great suggestions already so I don't want to overwhelm you, but I wondered if either of you have any support other than medication to help with your depression? Counselling, either individual or couples counselling, might be helpful in your situation.

    No one can tell you whether to leave or not, but you should prioritise your own wellbeing and safety and remember how important you are too. How long have you thought about leaving?

    You mentioned your extended family had picked up on some controlling behaviour and I wanted to ask if you'd like to talk any more about this? Safelives have a great page explaining a little about controlling or coercive behaviour which you might find of interest.

  • Ranald
    Ranald Online Community Member Posts: 912 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1009771#Comment_1009771

    Do you not remember the now deleted, appalling comment you made on this thread previously? Have you no shame?

  • Mijuka
    Mijuka Online Community Member Posts: 17 Listener

    i am really sorry and understand your situation, however, solving the situation is another issue. pls do not count on advice, there is hardly an advice for such things, unfortunately.

    If u can ,, pls for long walk, go to the gymโ€ฆ

    physical activity will help

  • durhamjaide2001
    durhamjaide2001 Scope Member Posts: 13,615 Championing

    i would suggest maybe going to the GP and seeing what they can do.

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 3,658 Championing
    edited March 29

    Do you not remember the now deleted, appalling comment you made on this thread previously? Have you no shame?

    Some people consider discrimination only as it applies to themselves - poor oppressed man ๐Ÿ™„

  • Ranald
    Ranald Online Community Member Posts: 912 Championing
    https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1009823#Comment_1009823

    I too was frustrated with difficulty seeing my children etc, when I got divorced. In the heat of the situation I felt their was bias towards my ex; but I read a bit on the subject, and I got over it.

    There is a definite swell of misogyny In recent years. Grown men acting like toddlers and blaming woman for all their ills.

    The op didn't deserve a load of bile, when simply seeking advice.

  • WhatThe
    WhatThe Online Community Member, Scope Member Posts: 3,658 Championing

    carcari, hello ๐Ÿ™‚ I hope you are alright and that you didn't see that comment this morning. I've been in an unhappy marriage and don't think I could live with anyone again.

    Anything you can do to spend less time together will be good for you. Getting up and leaving is quite a drastic step. Marriage guidance might help you begin communicating with one another to find a workable solution.

    It's not the same at all but when my dad became unwell, he withdrew and became hostile to us all. Men's virility can be affected by medication and cause depression even without an active sex life.

    ( I'll never understand men ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

  • Wibbles
    Wibbles Online Community Member Posts: 2,504 Championing

    The grass is not necessarily greener - weigh up all of the pros and cons

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