Moving Out and Away at 21 (TW)
Hi. I'm in a tough situation and I'd like to know if anyone could offer just a bit of advice or understanding, really. To preface, I'm 21 and I'm an Autistic ADHDer with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, and I live with my mother (my carer), my brother, and my sister.
For the past year or so I have been feeling very uncomfortable in the family home. My brother has been NEET since the age of 17, and is now 19, and I have never felt comfortable living with him. However about 6 months ago my mother has a conversation with him about him not engaging with education or work and there was a big blow up.
I was, and have been most of my life, blamed (by him) for him being NEET. He has said that my behaviour (my BPD episodes, which he is never involved in) is the reason he wants to kill himself all the time, and the reason he wants to move out.
My mother suggested that he lives with his father (who he doesn't speak to), and my father wants to build a relationship with my brother so that my brother could move out and into my father's house. But my brother won't talk to my father, I don't have the option of talking to my father and moving in with him.
I am having anxiety attacks most of the day. I am sacred of being in my own family home because my brother is constantly there (he plays video games all day) and making noise. I am scared of his footsteps and the sounds that he makes. I don't know how to manage my feelings and I feel that I would be better off moving out, but then I would be away from my mother (my carer).
I can't access food and water much of the time, which has made me weak. There have been times where I have felt too afraid to leave my room to use the bathroom and have used my floor instead. I am disgusted by my behaviour.
My mother doesn't want my brother in the family home, but because he is not competent enough to move out, I have to take the initiative and move out myself. If I move out, my mother won't be able to afford the family home anyway because my benefits cover almost half of the bills (there's four of us). She also relies on me for support and I do most of the cooking and chores, and I won't get her care anymore because I'd be too far away.
I'm really scared and I know I'm not ready to live alone, but I can't live with my brother anymore because of his past (and present) manipulation. I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how I can cope. I feel that I'm being unreasonable and I don't know what to do anymore.
Thank you.
Comments
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You need to contact adult social care services and the homeless team under your local council to access support to get out of there and into a better place as soon as possible. You are dealing with domestic abuse and neglect no just from your brother, but your "family" too.
In England, you'd qualify for housing support under the domestic abuse clause of housing law for this reason. should be the same if you live in Scotland/Wales/NI, but you need to check.
from someobe who went through someting similar at your age, you will get through this and you will thrive once you've taken these first steps/
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I don't think you are being unreasonable.
I'm going to suggest you reach out to adult services at your local council, for help, support and advice.
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Thank you for your reply. I have contacted social services before: first time, they did not respond to my application. Second time, I could not get a social worker because I was receiving care from my community mental health team. I did try a third time, still no response. My council's social services only support older adults, anyway.
I don't think my family are neglecting or abusing me, I think I just feel like they are. I'm too sensitive. I live in Wales, and I'm sure we have a similar housing law. The only problem is that I'm not experiencing abuse or neglect, so I don't think they'd be able to help me.
I'm really scared, I feel like moving out would just make matters worse for me. I'm sorry you've had a similar experience; it is a very difficult situation and it's hard trying to get support for this.
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Might an advocacy service help?
I realise this is an Age Concern link, but still useful for signposting.
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Thank you for the link. I have tried my local advocacy service before and they have not been able to help me (I cannot exactly remember why, I think it may have been that they were ill-equipped to deal with my case). However, the second option on the PDF of Independent Professional Advocacy looks promising!
I'm starting to feel really guilty now, though. My mother has started crying because either me or my brother has to move out. I know that even though I have disabilities, I'm still not as disabled as my brother (he has Asperger's only, but he's more disabled because he doesn't want to do anything other than play games with his friends).
I really hate standing up for myself, I feel as if I have to tear everyone down. I'm sorry for all of this, thank you for your help and for listening.
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It is very difficult but if you live your life to please other people, you will only make yourself unhappy and have unhealthy relationships with those people.
It is okay to put yourself first 😊
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Hi @RivetHead If you are still in contact with your CMHT, can you ask them for support with this? I would encourage you to ask them for assistance in finding you an advocate if you are not currently linked with them.
What you have described is as Stellar said is domestic abuse and/or neglect and as Kimi said, you are not being unreasonable. It may feel strange and uncomfortable to stick up for yourself but you have started to by asking a question on here. It would be useful to speak to a professional about your situation because you feel that something is wrong even if you don't want to call it abuse or neglect.
I know it feels very disheartening when I've had a bad or useless response from a service however there are lots of other people who work in same services, in your case adult social care, so I would encourage you to contact them again if your CMHT can't help you. Although they should.
You are not doing anything wrong. You have a right to feel safe in your own home, wherever that is.
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Thank you. I'm not in contact with my CMHT and don't really intend to ever contact them again (a particularly nasty nurse got me arrested based on a false police report and I had my computer devices taken away for half a year, was kicked out of college because I was on bail, and bailed to my father's house). They agreed that it was best that I didn't seek help from them. I am sorry for oversharing on that matter, I just feel I must voice my disapproval for my local CMHT.
Adult social care in my area are actually outsourced by the council to a service that only deals with adaptions to houses for older adults. I know I sound a bit daft with all these excuses, but it's just the way it is in this part of Wales.
However, before I was discharged by the CMHT I was referred for psychological therapy. I've nearly finished my course of therapy, but my psychologist is amazing. I'm seeing her tomorrow so I know that I should tell her how I feel, because so far I have been playing it down and a bit evasive on the subject, so I'm not helping myself at all.
The main problem now is that my brother can't move out because he says he is 'not capable of living by himself'. So it still falls on me to move out, even though I'm really scared of living by myself, but I'm probably more capable despite having a greater disability.
Sorry I'm basically ranting now!
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I don't know what the provision is like in Wales, but supported housing does exist for working age adults, of all types. You wouldn't necessarily have to be totally alone.
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Yes, it does. I'd only qualify if I was assessed though, which means I either need a social worker or to be assessed by my local housing team. Because of the issues with social services I think I'll have to be assessed by the housing team.
There isn't much supported accommodation in my local county and the waiting list seems to be years long. But I need to get the ball rolling and I'm sure they can help me sort something out, even if it is not ideal.
I just feel angry that I have to move out and yet my brother gets to live the life of Riley. But it is life I suppose, and probably a quite helpful lesson. Or so I can delude myself.
I do apologise for the first few paragraphs of this comment being so terse. I don't intend to come across as snappy, I'm just completely bemused at the whole situation (the one that I am currently living in. It's very much, yet another, 'why me.').
Again, thank you for your help. It's good to know that I'm not just losing the plot.
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@RivetHead Sounds like you have been through a lot. As you have a link to services because you are engaging with your psychotherapist I would encourage you to let her know that you need support with things you have mentioned specifically wanting to move out. If you are 21, there will be support available to you. If you are not happy contacting your local authority Homelessness service perhaps you could search online to find young people's support services in your area. I know, it's all a lot of work isn't it! But you don't have to do it all by yourself and as Kimi87 said, supported housing exists and you don't have to be totally alone in your living situation. But that is something that you will need to find out more from locally.
I hope you can have a bit of a rest this evening at some point. Nothing can be done about it tonight but hopefully you will feel ready and fresh to take a step towards what you need. I hope you have a good session tomorrow.
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I'm sorry to hear that. With services, you have to borderline harass them to get them to do anything. Because of austerity, they will look for any reason not to help people. This will include misrepresenting the law an not responding to messages. That's partly why they didn't respond.
you are experiencing abuse. not all abuse is physical, much of it is psychological. you're not too sensitive. you are in an abusive living dynamic, largely thanks to your brother.
also seeing your mum's comment regarding that either you or our brother have to move out actually works in your favour. not
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Hi everyone. The night I posted this I made an application to my local social services and updated my housing register application, and from this I've been offered two phone calls. Well, on the plus side they've seemingly listened to my plight. However, this does mean that I have to make a phone call… two of them.
The social services phone call appears to be with the children's team, which is quite disappointing. One of the many times I've tried to get help from social services in the past I was referred to the children's team, only to be told that I need to be referred to the adults' team (I was 18), then to be told that I was not old enough for the adults' team. Seeing as I'm only 21 now, I doubt this has changed.
I may just have to accept my situation as it is. I also didn't realise my sister was still drinking after having said she'd stop. So really, I think there are more important matters for me to get bothered about.
To be honest, I don't know what I'd do without all of the stress at the moment. Doing chores for other people and wasting my day away with anxiety attacks and long walks has just become a part of my life now.
My brother can't move out. He's too disabled.
I must move out: I'm disabled.
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Hi again @RivetHead That's so great that you took action and have two phone calls. Your life is worth more than stress and doing for others. Your life. Yours. I noticed that you are answering questions yourself rather than letting professionals/services answer them for you. For example, about the team to which you would be under. Ask them, let them tell you, ok. Don't do their job for them. Another example, are you able to assess your brother's needs? Really, it doesn't matter because your needs are what is important here. So, if you focus on what you need then hopefully services will hear you. Please don't make excuses or try to reason why other members of your family are doing this or that. It's a waste of your energy. Save your energy for yourself. Good luck. You know you are worth more than this or you would not have asked for help. It may not be a straight line but you are already taking steps yourself.
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Maybe see if Rethink run any supported housing in your area? I lived in a Rethink flat when I was in my 20’s. It helped bridge the gap before more independent living. I just applied direct to Rethink but it was a long time ago so it may have changed. Worth checking out though
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