Adult children still living at home.
I'm sure this is a common problem, especially with the current economic climate and more young people not being able to afford to live alone.
We have three of our 'kids' still at home. The youngest is still at college and planning to go to university in a couple of years. The older two are 25 and 29. All three are autistic.
The older two don't do anything outside the home. I'm trying to get one of them into volunteering as they did some in the past and enjoyed it. The older one used to run a craft business online but that's dwindled away due to their depression. They sleep until about one in the afternoon and then play with their pets for the rest of the day.
I'm caring for my disabled husband and don't have much time spare to do chores so I expect the kids to help out a little, but it's been a battle that's raged in our house for years. I have to specifically ask for jobs to be done - they won't see a sink full of dirty pots and wash them, they'll just perch more pots on top. If the floor is filthy they won't think to pull the hoover out, yet the oldest one constantly complains about how dirty the house is and how badly washed the pots are (my husband has sight loss but he does like to do the dishes and sometimes misses bits).
I often tell them if it's not clean enough for them to do it themselves but they just tell me they're disabled and can't do it. Their own bedroom is spotless but they seem to be content to leave the rest of the house in a mess.
I asked all three of them to do the pots and hoover the pile of dust that I'd swept into a corner when I went out a couple of days ago. When I came home the pots were done but the sweepings were still there so I asked why it hadn't been done. The eldest one just looked daggers at me and refused to speak to me until yesterday when I asked what was wrong and why they weren't talking to me. They said I'd been 'passive aggressive' in asking why the job hadn't been done, and that they were too worried about their ill pet to do anything. Yes, their pet is ill but this behaviour has been going on for years, not the last few days. They started screaming at me that I have no empathy for them when they're dealing with difficult things and that they hate their life and having to live at home. My husband is a bit more old fashioned than me and feels that as parents this is our house and our word is law. He hates it if the kids monopolise the tv and won't let him watch something even when he gives them notice.
He gets angry that they open all the blinds and curtains round the house as the bright sunlight messes with his vision. They move furniture round when he goes out so things are unfamiliar to him trying to walk around the house. His opinion is it's our house as parents and the kids should live by our rules. The kids argue that they're adults and so have an equal say in how the house is run and I fall somewhere in the middle.
The friction is getting worse and worse. It's making my husband ill with all the constant arguments. He has epilepsy and the stress is affecting it. Our oldest says they feel like they're living in a house share with housemates that don't really like them.
Can anyone relate to our circumstances? If so, how to do you find a balance that works for your family?
Comments
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I'm sorry to hear since your previous threads things haven't improved.
Being in the same dynamic means the same patterns of behaviour will just keep occurring, unless changes are made. Honestly? I'd start looking at what supported living is available in your area. Get them each a care needs assessment.
Inform Adult Services they are being asked to leave due to relationship breakdown and abusive behaviour.
It is very depressing for them but doesn't excuse their behaviour towards you, disabled or not that's unacceptable.
Being more independent will help build their confidence. They might end up living somewhere they are supported, but that's a big improvement on living with parents.
You might find your relationship improves if you aren't all living together - I moved out at 35 and my Mum and I have a much better relationship now.
One of the reasons I went was the realisation I would never get the "adults living together" dynamic that I tried so hard to achieve. She wasn't willing or able to break away from the parent/child relationship and in my situation I was the one getting abusive behaviour.
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I've never considered their behaviour as abusive as they've always been like this. The youngest one told me today they didn't want to be near me because I 'attacked' their older sibling yesterday. Their behaviour is really hurtful and now I'm dreading the weekend when another one comes home from university as they seem to gang up when they're together. Our 25 year old has said the same thing and that they also feel uncomfortable when the older siblings are all together.
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I can sense how worn down you must feel. When certain patterns go on for years, they stop feeling like a problem and just become the way things are. But as your family has grown older, it might be time for things to evolve a little, so that everyone's views, including yours and your husband's, are better respected and considered.
It’s frustrating when everyone else seems to recognise their own needs so clearly, yet overlooks yours. If your adult children weren’t living at home, you and your husband would probably be enjoying short weekend breaks or the occasional night out, just like many other parents of grown-up children do.
If you're not already doing so, maybe now is the time to start creating a bit of space between you and the everyday demands of family life. It’s not about punishing anyone or making a statement. It’s about giving yourselves the breathing room to reflect, recharge, and focus on what really matters to both of you, without the constant pull of responsibilities at home.
When it comes to the problems with the curtains and furniture, setting clear expectations might help. Your husband’s eyesight makes bright sunlight uncomfortable, so perhaps a compromise could be reached by keeping some rooms shaded while allowing more natural light in other communal areas. As for the furniture, a simple rule like ‘no major changes without discussing it first’ could make a big difference. It’s not just about courtesy, but also about safety. Sudden changes in the layout could be disorienting or even dangerous for your husband, so explaining this clearly might help everyone understand the importance of consistency.
If your husband is finding it difficult to watch his television programmes in peace, perhaps your adult children could invest in small smart TVs for their own rooms. That way, they can watch whatever they like without causing disruption, helping to keep shared spaces calmer. Of course, you can still say, ‘Dad’s watching such and such, would you like to join us?’ It’s not about excluding anyone, but about offering choices and making sure everyone feels considered and has other options if his choice of programme isn’t for them.
Investing in a dishwasher could also take some pressure off day-to-day tasks. The newer models don’t require rinsing beforehand, so getting them into the habit of putting used plates and pans straight into a dishwasher could reduce the need for constant reminders. It’s a small change, but one that could save you from repeating the same conversations about dirty plates and pans piling up in the sink.
The goal isn’t to impose rigid rules, but to foster an environment where everyone’s needs, including yours and your husband’s, are valued and respected. You deserve to feel comfortable, supported, and at peace in your own home, with space to enjoy the things that matter most to you.
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Hi @starbuck - I'm so sorry, particularly about what you & your husband are going through.
As you say, many young people are continuing to live with their parents as it's difficult for them to be able to afford somewhere of their own.
Despite all your now adult children having disabilities, so too does your husband. If they wish to remain at home with you both, then compromises perhaps need to be made, & I tend to agree with your husband here. Of course you won't see your children as being abusive in the slightest, but it's your home & your 'rules' need to be considered.
One thing, I feel, that can't be compromised upon is your husband's safety; the 2nd being that you need them all to help you in looking after the family home.
Would it help to say we absolutely have to discuss this, & it's non-negotiable? Perhaps one child might help with doing the dishes, perhaps another with general tidying up/vacuuming. If they disagree, then perhaps a rota in sorting out these tasks each week may work. Your home matters to you all, but if they also want to feel valued as adults, then they should be finding a way to help (guided by yourselves as parents). I'm just suggesting that they take on some responsibility in whatever way they can & possibly to their individual strengths.
Asking them, or indeed giving them responsibilities, may help further your relationship with your children.
Honestly, I don't sense that you want your children to leave, just that you absolutely need things to be different. Perhaps your children don't actually know how difficult things have become for you both, in your different ways, as parents. Obviously I don't know, but hope you can all end up working something out together so you can all enjoy your home.
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I moved out of my parent's house aged 19. It seems incredible to me that they would behave in such an unacceptable manner.
Easy to say, but I would tell them to leave. You are entitled to a life too.
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We gave up our dining room so they could put a smart tv in there and use it as tv/games room but they still monopolise the lounge and told me last week that their dad should go in the tv room if he's the only one watching something. I pointed out his chair is in the lounge and the sofa in the tv room is too soft for him but that just didn't wash.
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I think the lot of them need a reality check. You aren't required to babysit fully grown adults.
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Why should you feel intimidated by spoilt kidults in your own home? I would take legal action if they won't leave voluntarily. I think this is going in a worrying direction.
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Put their rent up to an amount that makes you feel more appreciated. And set a strict date for them moving out.
Many autistic people can live independently. In fact, they can be very good at it as they are sometimes more frugal with money than NT people - spending less on socialising, on food and transport (if they qualify for free bus pass)
If your two qualify for a social services care package - now's the time to get the ball rolling. Let social services know you're not prepared to accomodate them any longer; this could qualify them for priority housing.
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@starbuck Came across your thread by accident. How are things getting on? You should get them together and have a serious chat, even going as far as threatening them that they will have to leave if they don't buck up their ideas. It might make them have a rethink! Try what @MW123 and @chiarieds have suggested. Giving them responsibility for chores etc. You and husband are right, it is your house. Maybe you could get a community Police Officer to give them the "what for".... Give them a shake up! It's coming up to Christmas and it would be nice for you all if this could be sorted out. Best of luck!
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This sounds like an awful situation. You clearly love your children but it sounds like you’re walking on egg shells which isn’t good. I think you’ve received great advice already and you’ll know in your heart what’s best for you - them remaining with you but changing their behaviour or them moving out (with social services help if needs be). I think a rota idea is good in the interim. And a dishwasher is a life saver! I’d also suggest if you’re children aren’t for sitting down like adults and listening to your views that you write them a letter explaining how you and their father are feeling, how their behaviour is impacting you both, how you understand that they have their difficulties but you’re human and you do too etc., that you just want everyone to be able to get along, respect one and other and everyone do their bit. Maybe end by saying that if things aren’t working out in __months you feel it would be best if they leave because you’re ALL unhappy with the situation and it isn’t healthy for you ALL to be living this way. Good luck.
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We've had discussions and things have improved slightly but not enough for my liking. We had another big row after I drove them to a large city for a con and went off to wander round a museum for a few hours. By 5pm the musuem was closing so I had to go and sit in my car and wait for them. Three hours later they came back by which time I was in tears with the pain from my arthritis from sitting down for so long.
I lashed out and said some things I regret and have apologised for but nothing much has changed. I will try the letter idea as talking to them does nothing.
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I realised I didn't reply in April to say, that I didn't consider my mothers behaviour abusive until about 2 years after I moved out.
It was only then that I was able to see what had been going on wasn't normal. And I gave myself a massive pat on the back for breaking that cycle of behaviour - it took me a while to see just how well I had done and how brave I had been!
If you were living with a partner and they were the ones behaving in such a manner towards you, then that might be more clearly recognisable as abuse, but it happens in all walks of life work colleagues, between friends and inter family relationships.
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I feel so sorry for you. If I lived near I would have a word with them myself. There is no need for it. They need to be told it is yours and your husbands house and they should act accordingly. They need to know this can't go on, they need to know you and your husband have had enough and that you all have to get on in the same house. My brother and I got a bit unruly once (teenagers) and my parents got the Police around and two Police Officers give us a talking to. It worked because we were shocked our parents went that far and we realised we must have been upsetting them. That is why I mentioned the Police Officer! By the way we were not bad kids… .😋 BUT if need be get some help like that, maybe an official from social services or the Police might shake them up and make them think they need to change their ways. Don't let this go on, if a talking to does not work, get some help please! You deserve to live in peace with your sons! Best of luck!
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I'm not going to give any advice but I would like to give you some support.
I'm an autistic adult age 43 who does and always has lived at home. I require significant daily help, I do however do the limited things I can do such as washing up etc.
When I was much younger I was a terrible person I can't deny that by pure luck I got a grip around the age of 18. and it really was down to pure luck. I have autistic meltdowns where I can and do damage my own property and injure myself and genuinely can't recall a thing about it. But none of my behaviour issues are towards my mum. The screaming at you and ignoring you isn't acceptable ever.
However your situation is awful and you are clearly unwell yourself with pain etc, it's definitely not sustainable or typical although I am not sure what would be best that's why I'm not giving any advice just support,
be kind to yourself
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Throw them out, no excuses. Who do they think they are?
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I have to say your more than likely 20 years to late to start teaching them to respect you and your husband without them having some real hard truths and actions that they will not like to hear at there age
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