My Life

Life was usually better 20 plus years ago and these days things seem so tough. However, if we persist brighter days will come, and hardships are needed in order to find salvation. I hope you find your salvation wherever you can.

Oh bless u make a complaint please!

Hope you get well soon

It is strange that public holidays affect us more that other days of the year (except perhaps key family dates). Maybe it goes back to childhood when the extra day off and, perhaps, a family trip out or similar made them special?

I am coming out of a really bad time probably one of the worst low periods in my life and have so much that is negative going on around me. I'm about a year older than you and also on very high levels of anti-depressants. I find that my way out of the hole is doing things which benefit others. A friend who has helped me through the last year is now in a bad place themselves and supporting them in any way that I can helps. My ex-foster son lives with me and his health, both mental and physical is worse than mine so being a rock for him can be draining but it also seems to create a replacement attitude.

I may be in a different place than you as I am a gay man and I lost both my parents just over 30 years ago and my sister about 8 years later. I have been lucky in that following my parents death, I started to build a found family. Some are very close and I see every day or several days a week and some I may not see for a year or more but we can just pick up the phone and talk about anything as well as specific issues. Several of us have experienced the same traumas, so there is a level of understanding and not having to say things but yet know that you are being heard.

As today was a bank holiday I treated myself to a lie in, escaping into a book. Books are one of my refuges and when I am alone they are like a safety net. When I got up I made a mug of tea and toast and marmalade (which I only have on a weekend, so it was a bit of a treat). Then I got down to some council work, preparing a discussion paper. Although I have views on the matter, I find that writing a document which is more factual, rather than opinion is therapeutic and helps my mind. I guess between the research and concentrating on outlining the issues to be considered without imparting my own views, means that I am diverting my mind from me and my worries/issues. When I was younger I used to write plays and short stories, some of them dealing with the topics I was experiencing, often exaggerating the storyline to make things worse, heightened of more emotional. I have been told that I was putting myself in charge of the narrative and testing the worst scenarios. One of my found family popped in unexpectedly for a mug of tea and a chat which was a nice supprise. For me the hardest part of each day is heading to bed, as it is the time that I can divert my mind as easily. I have some puzzle games on my phone which I work through as well as a book on the go and I will generally fall asleep whilst doing one of those activities, i.e. keeping my mind away from my own demons.

I'm not making light of the situation as it has taken me a while to get to this point. Thirteen months ago I hit a depression so low it ranked in my three worst experiences. For six months I could not even go into my back garden. I didn't bath, I only ate bread, cakes, sweets, crisps etc. I did no housework or changed the bedding. Spending time with anyone was exhausting and I was often glad when they left as I'd have a strip wash, clean my teeth and get dressed rather than slob around in a dressing gown. In October, a friend got me to leave the house with him and at that time I started attending council meetings again but only if I was with someone both there and back. It took until March of this year for me to leave my house on my own and I was forced into doing that because of an emergency. Even now every day has it's challenges and I have had times when I have slipped back but i have just got back to a point where life has hope. The positive that keeps me going I guess is working to make things better for others and to try to prevent them going through some of the things which I have. Most of the time no-one knows who I am or how i've been involved but I prefer it that way. I have set myself targets and challenges but if I don;t manage them I don't let myself get upset and try again another day. I guess I've just learned not to be so hard on myself.

It's "bank holiday syndrome" the weather is good people are off work and we think they are all having a lovely time while we are miserable. Of course this is not true at all. Lots of people are fed up, sad, depressed etc. The sunshine is lovely but when its out we think we should be too doing something fun. I hope you get some therapy to help you feel better.