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Disability and Relationships: Answering Questions, Busting Myths

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  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    Facebook is just a place where everyone hides their secrets and wants to be popular. It is certainly not a place to meet someone.

    Generally people who are healthy want everything you mention and real friendships are hard to find online. Abuse of others is common. Even disabled people can be abusive online where anonymity makes it easy.

    Because most of the servers that the software is run on are not in your country there is nothing any police can do about abuse. Even if they are in your country the laws haven't kept up with modern technology.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • VioletFenn
    VioletFenn Community member Posts: 124 Pioneering
    Sam_Scope said:
    @VioletFenn do you have any thoughts on how @DannyMoore is feeling?
    Firstly, apologies for taking so long to reply on this thread - I don't always get notifications for some reason (will check what's up). 

    I personally know a couple of separate individuals who identify as 'asexual' in that although they enjoy relationships with others, have no interest in either sex or physical intimacy. 

    I think that it is absolutely possible to be asexual; however the issue is whether a person is 'truly' asexual, or has convinced themselves they are because they don't like the idea of sex for other, possibly subconscious reasons. Given that many autistic people have sensory issues relating to touch etc, I don't think this is surprising. 

    If a person would like an intimate relationship and it's just the potential 'ick' aspect putting them off, then it's worth talking to someone about it - there are counsellors available, but it can be difficult to access such help. But I do think it is perfectly acceptable - and possible - to have longterm relationships that don't involve sex at all. The difficulty is obviously in finding a partner who feels the same way, as it isn't all that common. That said, there are groups both on Facebook and the internet in general for those who identify as asexual. 

    Violet 
    ASD advisor, Scope
  • frasermathieson
    frasermathieson Community member Posts: 18 Courageous
    Hi everyone and @htlcy

    I find it really difficult to get a girlfriend.  Every girl I have asked out have said no and looked like me as if I was a freak.  The trouble with nowadays are people are so quick to judge - they look at the outside, see a guy with a walking difficulty and a slight speech issue and suddenly its "he a freak, lets not go near him".

    I have been on dating sites and got conned a couple of times to meet someone so spent money to travel for no one to show up.  I even met a girl who we were getting close, had a couple of dinners etc and went out to a nightclub.  Next day, as she was so drunk, she asked me if she tried to kiss me.  When I went no, she said 'good, I would prefer to be sick than kiss someone like you'.  I soon realised I was lowering myself to her level but transpired she fell pregnant and was planning on blaming it on me!!  Cruel, cruel person.

    Obviously those experiences have really knocked confidence, almost to the extent where I am frightened to trust anyone who does come into that 'close' spectrum again.  As I get older,  see my friends getting partners, married and becoming parents, it hits me that I may never have this, and some days it gets me down.

    You hear of people who are so lonely when they get older, especially when there spouse passes away and there is no extended family near by.  At 37, I feel this is the path I am destined to travel.

    Sorry for sounding like a dour guy from Scotland!! :smile:
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 740 Listener
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  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    When dealing with 'the fairer sex' you need to be confident and you need to be able to talk (in most cases). If you go into anything thinking 'will she be my girlfriend' then they sense that and find it oppressive. You need to go into things thinking 'will she make a good friend'. This sort of thinking has two effects. Firstly you are more relaxed because little depends on it working. Secondly she will think that you aren't pushing her into something and may well push at you instead. One other thing. Just because it may have been a while since you were with someone it doesn't mean you should begin to worry about getting into something fast. That will appear to them as desperation and will definitely put them off. I have been single 12 years and have openly stated I am not getting into something
    yet still I have, from time to time have had to fend off women wanting more from me. It isn't about playing games, it's about not asking too much of any situation.

    Whether you meet through a dating site or any other way just try to make a new friend. Keep your concentration on them and not worrying about how they see you. Treat them politely and try to keep conversations interesting. Generally make them feel that they are the important and interesting person. Also try to make them laugh and enjoy the meeting up. Oddly I have found that if things aren't going too well then come out and say so, taking the blame by giving some trivial reason as to why you aren't enjoying things as much as you should with someone like her. It's surprising how that will make them appreciate you more. It can also make them work harder at the meeting.

    As far as judging people is concerned. We constantly judge people ALL the time. Everybody does. It's a part of being part of the human race. Even with really good friends we never turn this off. Always making sure that we understand the motives and actions of those around us.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • RSW665
    RSW665 Community member Posts: 14 Listener
    I've said this before I know, women find me attractive but 9 times out of 10 it never goes any further because of my disability, or because of the care I need related to it,  I go out as often as I can so it's not as if I'm anti -social if it's not the women themselves that are put off, their friends or relatives put them off. Is anybody else having this problem.
  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Community member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    RSW655, are you sure you aren't blaming everything on the disability? Having 9 out of 10 women like you is far above normal even for the best looking healthy men.  Perhaps it is easier for them to blame your disability rather than admit to you that they simply cannot get along with you? Sometimes when people are disabled they can be pushy and oppressive, trying to make something happen sooner than most others are comfortable with. This doesn't just apply to dating and relationships, it applies to everything.

    I have seen it often when spending time with other disabled and even been guilty of doing it myself in the past. We want so much to be accepted that we can often frighten the people around us away.

    When I used to visit a disability centre regularly I used to be good for other people. Helping them enjoy their time there and not taking things so seriously. So much so that when new people joined us they were always put next to me. I showed them how to enjoy what they could, have fun, not take life too seriously and not try to push other people into liking them because, in the outside world, this is what they had to do to get noticed at all.

    Unfortunately, being treated as a minority that no one wants to see, can have unfortunate repercussions for the people within that minority.

    TK
    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • frasermathieson
    frasermathieson Community member Posts: 18 Courageous
    @Topkitten your points are absolutely correct, it is the case you need to be confident in yourself then that will then let you be confident in meeting people.  I am guilty myself of expecting things sooner than later, and letting things develop naturally.

    I'm not an envious guy but do feel left behind when I see friends getting into relationships, and suppose its something that I want to happen.  I've changed my way now so I am not jumping right in and messing things up so hopefully, one day, that special person will come along.

Brightness