Mental health

Thank you so much. X

Yes I am going to a social event today where there will be a quiz, bingo, a raffle and 70's music.

Good morning all.

I am feeling good today but very tired.

Mental Health is such a sore point for me and makes me angry! 😤 I’ve battled ADHD, Autism, Depression and Anxiety for over 35 years and it’s fair to say, life has been a roller coaster. 🎢 I was even placed in a children’s psychiatric at a well known children’s hospital in Manchester between the ages of 6-8 years old.

I attended 3 main stream schools, alongside 3 Special Need’s Schools throughout my childhood. I had a very unsettled, insecure, emotionally abusive childhood. I think the most stable part of my childhood was attending a boarding school in Kirkby Lonsdale.
I always had the support of a Social Worker and Psychiatrist’s when I was a child, but after leaving school that support ended. Over the next 26 years, when I wasn’t working as a Gardener & Estate Ranger, I lived in a very unsettled and abusive home. Like my childhood I would just isolate myself away from the world, because of the volatile relationship with my father, I could go weeks without speaking to him. I finally left home in 2012 and it’s fair to say the relationship and subsequent marriage I got myself into was detrimental to my mental health! My first wife was emotionally abusive, controlling and had a temper like a volcano 🌋 I walked out of that relationship after 8 months and tried to make it work again twice, nope was the answer and I put a nail in the coffin!

Then like a fool I went charging, head first into another relationship. But this time I thought it was different as we got on really well, had a lot of things in common and knew how to make each other laugh. Again this lead to marriage 6 years into the relationship and I got on well with her family. But due to the long hours I was working as a Support Worker, I just ended up burning myself out both mentally and physically! I’ve now not worked for almost five years, after contracting covid in 2023, my ex wife just couldn’t handle my unstable mental health and dumped me! I ended up in a Psychiatric Unit in Derby and it’s fair to say an OT took the blinkers off my eyes big time! I realised that my ex wife was the problem, was manipulative, knew how to get her own way, was always placing huge demands on me and one thing I’ve learned is - She had a way of weaponising my mental health against me! She would never accept blame for her mistakes or actions, I don’t like people knocking on my front door due to my ex always having bailiffs banging on the front door due to unpaid bills. I can look back and see that I saw the world in black and white and she saw the world in Unicorns, Rainbows and Glitter!
In 2023 I was diagnosed with BPD which just added another burden for me to have to live with. Alongside the increase in physical ailments, I was just overloaded and still to this day can’t make peace with my Mental & Physical Disabilities!

I will say this though, Mental Health Services in this country absolutely suck! Mental Health Teams just don’t have a care in the world, they just leave you to fend for yourself, don’t want to provide adequate support and you will either end up having to leave a voicemail when you ring up or leave a message, be told they will ring you back and then all you see is tumbleweed rolling past! I’ve been on the waiting list for counselling for over 8 months, the same amount of time for a Social Prescriber, I’ve been referred to Psychology at the Community Mental Health Team (Wellbeing Team) I’m awaiting for referrals to something else as well, I’ve asked time and time again for a referral for an advocacy place, My GP has just been my point of contact and sorted out my medications.
I am now living a reclusive life, now as a Service User in an adapted flat that is suitable for my Mental and Physical Disabilities. I’ve only left my flat once in the last four months, I’m scared to go out, I don’t want to be seen in public and don’t want to be judged by people. I keep my own council, I’ve not seen or spoken to my family in almost ten years and have cut off all contact with friends.

I have started to get my affairs in order, I’m now paying for a funeral, I’ve sent items I’d in her items from my Grandfathers to my two nieces so as they stay in the family, I’ve donated my hiking and camping gear to a local school, I’ve filed for divorce from my ex wife, I just need now to try and fathom out how to do a lasting power of attorney for health, finance and property. I’m still here fighting and breathing, but don’t get me wrong…. I have the grim reapers hand on my shoulder every day, I’m always disappointed when I wake up, suicidal thoughts do enter my head etc.

But I’m proud to have overcome every obstacle and challenge placed in my way, I’m a stronger person than I think I am and life has taught me so many lessons, yeah I’ve got regrets due to decisions and choices I’ve made in life and it’s a burden I’ll have to carry until the time comes for me to pass on to the next life.