Who do you treat better?

Anhedonia · November 25

Hello,

I've been reading some beautiful posts, particularly of those struggling with their mental health and emotions and it struck me how supportive everyone is of each other.

I wondered, do we all treat others better than we treat ourselves?

Are you as kind and suportive of yourself as you are with others?

I am guilty of not applying the advice I give others to myself

Nightcity · November 25

Welcome to the forum.

I also like helping others but don't often bother with myself as I have zero time for myself as I still blame myself for my many past mistakes and don't believe I'm a good person even though I try to be.

Rachel_Scope · November 25

Such great questions! I am definitely kinder to others than I am to myself. I have a good example just from last night with my husband. He was incredibly stressed because he got an email from his car insurance provider saying they're cancelling his policy because he hasn't sent in the right documents (he has). I looked at exactly what they said and it seems it's because they haven't been able to speak to him on the phone. I told him to call them today and it will all be sorted, it's just a misunderstanding. Now, if that were me, I'd be crying, panicking, and thinking the world is going to end, but for him I was able to be rational.

The brain is an enigma!

Anhedonia · November 25

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1085689#Comment_1085689

That makes me really sad, it was some of your posts I had read and thought they were so lovely!! I hope you will one day find space to forgive yourself and be gentle with yourself.

I don't know what you blame yourself for, but even if something was actually your fault, we all make mistakes, it's part of being a person and you shouldn't waste your whole life living in regret, it only makes space for more regrets! You deserve every happiness. A person that wasn't good, would not concern themselves with whether they are good or not. It would not even cross their mind!

Anhedonia · November 25

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1085693#Comment_1085693

What a beautiful example! I think I'm very similar to that. I'm good under pressure or handling other people's issues but my own I get overwhelmed easily. I'm far kinder and more level headed for other people than I can ever be for myself. Has your husband managed to call and fix the insurance today? An enigma it certainly is!

Nightcity · November 25

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1085715#Comment_1085715

That's kind and means a lot.

You're absolutely right I was a teen at the time, it was some 26 years ago now and It's probably time to move on as two of the 3 people it affected aren't here anyone anyway and They did forgive it at the time.

You've only joined today but I can see it's going to be wonderful having you here, you talk a lot of sense. This is my third time here; n total I've been here 3 and a half years but only 15 days this round.

thank you for your kindness.

Anhedonia · November 25

I'm sure I'll talk too much and start to annoy people, but I really appreciate your kind words!

3 and a half years is an achievement, something must keep you coming back?

Beating yourself up over something you did 26 years ago is silly. None of us are still the person we were as teenagers. We all do stupid things and it sounds as though you were already forgiven, so why continue torturing yourself too? I look forward to talking to you more

Nightcity · November 25

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1085726#Comment_1085726

I am quite sensitive and A couple of times I've clashed with the same couple of members then leave, eventually I calm down and remember and miss most the others and try again. It took 8 months but let's try again!

I talk too much on here so we'll annoy together 😂

Rachel_Scope · November 25

He's busy at work at the minute @Anhedonia but he's finishing a bit early so he'll have time to call them. Our daughter is off nursery today so I'm sure baby snuggles will help him feel better too 😊 It'd be great if we could be that levelheaded for ourselves wouldn't it?

@Nightcity you're too harsh on yourself. There are lots of things I've done in my past which I regret, and yes I do replay them in my mind sometimes, but everyone changes and you're entitled to move on from past mistakes, especially with you saying the people involved forgave you.

Nightcity · November 25

https://forum.scope.org.uk/discussion/comment/1085742#Comment_1085742

Thanks Rachel.

I think what it's been, is I know how upset they were when it happened and How it temporarily disrupted their lives. You have both helped me today finally sit, think and move on.

I have thought about it, they did indeed forgive me, I was 15, immature and also genuinely unaware of the results it would cause because my mental age always dragged about 6-7 years behind my physical age in my tests so effectively mentally I was 8 years old.

I learnt from it, grew up, would never do it as an adult so you're both right Today I forget it for good.

thanks so much.

66Mustang · November 25

@Rachel_Scope

I’m studying cognitive neuroscience at the moment and find it so interesting, especially as it’s something that directly affects me. What you wrote is super explainable, and it’s totally normal and logical from a cognitive-neuroscientific point of view!

You probably already know our brains have different parts that handle different things. People refer to “emotional brain” and “logical brain” … other than being an oversimplification, it’s apt. The prefrontal cortex handles execution and measured/delayed responses to situations (“logical brain”); the amygdala reacts to stimuli perceived as threat and reacts – quite literally before we get chance to think (“emotional brain”)

Different parts of the brain engage when you face a problem yourself compared to observe someone else's problem…When something is distressing to you directly, the amygdala may respond before the prefrontal cortex, and the associated limbic system essentially takes the “driver’s seat”.

When you’re looking at someone else’s problem you can think about it rationally because – and it’s not just a figure of speech – you’re able to think about it more logically 😃

Rachel_Scope · November 25

@Anhedonia everything has been sorted with the car insurance. It was a misunderstanding and he feels so much better. It felt weird to be the one who was calm and collected!

That's really interesting @66Mustang! Is there not a way I can wire my brain to be logical for me too? 😂

66Mustang · November 25

@Rachel_Scope

I think the "issue" is because society can progress much more quickly than evolution!

When things are distressing, the body pumps resources to the muscles, heart and the parts of the brain that handles autonomous reactions, because those things traditionally were what we needed to deal with anything "scary"

Our reactive brains haven't evolved to learn that "scary" things actually require rational thought, if you think about it cavemen didn't need to deal with insurance companies 😆

Rachel_Scope · November 25

Cavemen were lucky in that regard 😂

SmellyBin · November 25

What a wonderful topic you have started, @Anhedonia It does sound very familiar indeed. I am glad we can feel safe here to share this.

And @66Mustang that is really interesting about the brain you're mentioning. I've started looking into the brain and the nervous system years ago, from interest… I'm not a proper student. Unfortunately, even though there are miracles out there, there is only so much we can do to alter how we are wired, to let go of old patterns and habitual itches as some call it. I wish it was easier, but with my dysregulated nervous system very much has her own way of doing things :)
That said, I recently came across 'limbic self-blame' and it explained quite a lot.

Who do you treat better?

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